My stepkids are adults And am in touch with BPDex

[ennie]

I am the stepmom of two girls who have a BPD mom, and the ex-wife of their dad. This last month the youngest became an adult and graduated from high school. Their mom abandoned them 6 years ago after years of brutal accusations and custody battles.

I write because I am so glad I hung in there and want to encourage others to embrace their step-parenting roles. The girls are now my kids, they are so grateful for my presence in their lives and both are amazing, self-aware people. They are willing to have boundaries with mom, both have gone no contact for periods, and also are loving with her and willing to hang up. I am friends with my ex, who brought the BPD mom into my life as she was his ex wife when we were married. That experience was the most painful in my life so far. A wealth of learning and of pain, stress and fear.

I have visited the boards twice in the past 6 years. I am disappointed to see even less of a forum for stepparents. I think stepparents are such a huge and profound part of the recovery of kids from having BPD parents, and relationship partners who leave the BPD person with battered self esteem and deep confusion about what is real.  I also think the relationship between steps and the BPD ex of their partner is a hugely important and challenging family relationship that requires support and knowledge to survive! I am still in touch with the kids mom, and have come to value our relationship and her willingness to be vulnerable with me.  She has treated me badly, but now it has no power in my life.  So I forgive her, and that is so huge for her heart.  She is so sure she is a bad person, so me accepting her is like cool water on your way through the desert on foot. There is a weird way that I am someone in her life who has hung in there with her in a way nobody else has.

I hope admins eventually create a space for those parenting the kids of BPD folk.  For us to learn to navigate our roles with empathy for the BPD parent and ability to protect the kids is a huge part of what can mitigate the wounds a person with BPD can inflict on others, and we are an immensely important part of the family structure that is rarely acknowledged on this site. 

I remember feeling discouraged by the constant diminishing of my role I felt before BPD mom abandoned the kids and left the state, and by how my role seemed so immense and necessary in ways step parents in “normal” families did not seem to be experiencing.  I really needed to be not only a parent to the kids, who lacked a real mom, but also needed to be doing a great job of that and also accepting and empathizing with mom or the kids would feel terrible. This board helped me through that, but was also exclusionary and never created a category for stepparents relationship to a BPD person.  Being in a relationship with a BPD person (I called her my ex wife in law) was probably the most traumatic experience of my life, and hugely shaped who I am today. 

So, step parents of children of people with BPD: hang in there!  What a rewarding and profound experience.  It gets better. 

[Turkish]

ennie!

Thanks for returning to update your story. Great testimony.

We combined 3 boards due to a drop in engagement/new membership. There are still many heroic stepparents here like you who are posting and supporting 

[ennie]

Turkish! That is one name I remember.  Do you have a sense of why membership dropped?

At any rate, good on you all for providing these boards for folks.

En

[kells76]

Hey ennie, I remember you! I think you briefly updated us here a year or two ago also, right?

I can really relate to your experience:

who brought the BPD mom into my life as she was his ex wife when we were married. That experience was the most painful in my life so far. A wealth of learning and of pain, stress and fear.

Yes. Yes, there's learning and growth and building new skills and acquiring new tools, and it's also been the most excruciating thing I've ever done, and it's not over yet.

my role seemed so immense and necessary in ways step parents in “normal” families did not seem to be experiencing.  I really needed to be not only a parent to the kids, who lacked a real mom, but also needed to be doing a great job of that and also accepting and empathizing with mom or the kids would feel terrible.

I know that you know that I know. Sometimes I describe (to others, not to the kids) the role I have with the kids as "therapeutic", not because I am an expert or a professional or "know it all" by any means; more because due to what their mom and stepdad are like, I don't feel like have the leeway to do "average" or "C+" stepparenting. It's gotta be my A+ game All. The. Time. Always validating, empathizing, asking validating questions, not JADEing, staying neutral or positive about Mom, not reacting to their wacky stuff, working really hard on being present and grounded when they're around. I'm definitely not always successful.

Being in a relationship with a BPD person (I called her my ex wife in law) was probably the most traumatic experience of my life, and hugely shaped who I am today.

100000000%

I get that part of why it hurts me is probably because something about the relationship/interaction hits raw points from my FOO, yet that doesn't mean it hurts less or is less traumatic every time the dysfunction shows up.

So, step parents of children of people with BPD: hang in there!  What a rewarding and profound experience.  It gets better.

Thank you. The kids are 14 & 16 now, so it's been hard to be on the "downhill"/"end is in sight" part of the journey while still having 3 years 10 months to go (not that I'm counting ). The kids themselves are good kids, with challenging moments. It's the legally required interactions with Mom (and therefore Stepdad too) that I am counting down on.

I wonder if you felt a sense of "weight off" or something when your youngest turned 18?

Really good to hear back from you.

kells76

[GaGrl]

It's good to get an update, ennie!

Our children are all adults now, and so is the oldest grandaughter, so things are much calmer than when we first married. Ex-wife lives 1000 miles away in the same city as SD and SGD, but they both have strong boundaries now.

I wish I had a level of compassion and support for the Ex, but she is in her mid-60s now and has entered a level of paranoia that prevents any of us having any degree of acceptable interaction with her. And I had already established a no-contact boundary with her when she attempted to interfere with our marriage and "reconcile" with my DH (we had been married about 7 years at that time).

So we live our life and "coach" the adult children as needed. It works.

[ForeverDad]

  Nice to hear from you.  Blast from the past, and all that.

Our son's GAL told me a decade ago, when I wished for my ex to just get married to someone else and leave me alone, "No one will marry her."  I didn't marry either, though my son is grown, has aged out of the legal system and still living with me.  I sometimes quietly mutter that I have to drift away from here and move on with my life as others have.  Well, some day...

[BigOof]

ForeverDad, your advice is greatly appreciated and valued.

Sending love!