I have a minute

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all,

I don't know what to do at this moment.  I know that I'm the one that has to do the heavy lifting of changing how I interact with wBPD/NPD.  It's really hard right now.  My emotions are such that I'm scattered, hard to focus, off my feed,
I've got a mixed emotion blend going on.
I'm conflicted on keeping on keeping on with the marriage.
I know that some folks on here have been able to have a successful marriage with a BPD but ...
I know that however it works out I'll be ok.
I know that I am a survivor.
I don't know at the moment if I have enough juice left to keep on keeping on.
Sometimes I wish she would do the actions that she has threatened like leaving or self deletion.
I kind of have to keep on keeping on until I get some things situated, gotta plan for the what if's. you know?
I have been mindful of not being invalidating and I have also found times where I could be validating.

The few friends that I do have have suggested to pull the plug.

I don't know how to feel about that just yet.

I'm happy that there is finally a reason for her behavior, funny how being able to label something helps clarify things.

I'm sad because I know that she's hurting.  But damnit I'm hurting too.

I've already went through so much stuff... 

IT SUCKS. 

Peace 

[BigOof]

I've already went through so much stuff...

This is known as the "sunk cost fallacy" (of relationships) which leads to suboptimal outcomes.

Do you remember life before pwBPD was gaslighting you? How good would it be to get back to that? Have your freedom, friends, interests, and stable emotions. It takes some time and hard decisions, but you can get there with the added benefit of personal growth from the experiences you've had.

[Manic Miner]

This is known as the "sunk cost fallacy" (of relationships) which leads to suboptimal outcomes.

Do you remember life before pwBPD was gaslighting you? How good would it be to get back to that? Have your freedom, friends, interests, and stable emotions. It takes some time and hard decisions, but you can get there with the added benefit of personal growth from the experiences you've had.

Is the last possible while living with Wwbpd, or you are talking after divorce or separation?

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all,

What I was referring to was the "crap" that I had already been through and the thought of more "crap" ... If that makes sense?

[BigOof]

StartingHealing, would you advise your friend to go through that "crap?"

[ForeverDad]

I'm happy that there is finally a reason for her behavior, funny how being able to label something helps clarify things.

That too — learning about BPD and other acting-out PDs — was a crucial enlightenment for me.  I did not learn about PDs until a few months before my marriage imploded.  Once I knew what I was dealing with, I was able to make an informed decision which path to take.

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing, would you advise your friend to go through that "crap?"

No, I wouldn't advise a friend to go through it.  I'm working on myself.  Need to rebuild some self, and also I'm trying to put a path forward together.  If that makes sense? 

[FirstSteps]

It makes real sense to me.  I've been doing the same - trying to work on myself so I can navigate the world in a healthier way.  And see a path forward.

It's worked to some degree.  But I'm starting to think I'm also using it as an excuse to stay.  I never get the space and  time to really work on myself.  The chaos always intrudes, and then I have a hangover into the calm where I'm doing nothing.  I'm starting to see I'll have to jump at some point.  But you have to be ready for that and feel it too.

[BigOof]

I'm working on myself. Need to rebuild some self, and also I'm trying to put a path forward together.

Boundaries are a gift you give to yourself. They're wonderful. They're free. They're kryptonite to a pwBPD.