I told him I want a divorce…

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I told my husband I wanted a divorce yesterday.  He said, “ I know, honey”.  I then said that I would like for him to move out.  He said, “ok.”

Today, its like nothing has changed.  He’s planning on doing stuff around the house on his day off and he told me this morning he went ahead and paid the mortgage. 

I think he’s not taking me seriously.  This is mostly my fault for backing down in the past, but I’m not sure what to do about it.  I’m trying hard not to be nasty.  This was really hard for me to take this step.  For me everything has changed.  For him, it seems like nothing has changed. 

How am I supposed to get him to move out?  How do I get him to take me seriously?

[B2]

I told my husband I wanted a divorce yesterday.  He said, “ I know, honey”.  I then said that I would like for him to move out.  He said, “ok.”

Today, its like nothing has changed.  He’s planning on doing stuff around the house on his day off and he told me this morning he went ahead and paid the mortgage. 

I think he’s not taking me seriously.  This is mostly my fault for backing down in the past, but I’m not sure what to do about it.  I’m trying hard not to be nasty.  This was really hard for me to take this step.  For me everything has changed.  For him, it seems like nothing has changed. 

How am I supposed to get him to move out?  How do I get him to take me seriously?

[BigOof]

How am I supposed to get him to move out?  How do I get him to take me seriously?

Get a lawyer and actually file for divorce.

[15years]

This is really hard to deal with. You've planned a divorce for a while now and built up the courage to tell him. He's not taking you seriously but it's also a manipulation tactic, not just that he doesn't believe you. I've tried this too and failed, I'm still stuck. It's such a hard decision to leave that you would need cooperation to not get exhausted and give up. If you give up this time, it's not a failure, it's a learning experience. If you're feeling exhausted and worn down now, you'll grow and regain your strength later.

How do you make him move out and accept that the marriage is over?
Maybe it's as simple as bigoof says, file divorce, do the nasty stuff you wouldn't want to do but are forced to, he won't end the marriage for you, he won't cooperate. Just talk won't do it, there has to be some action because he is stubborn and refuses to accept that the marriage is over.

Would you be willing to take some uncomfortable actions like filing for divorce to get the ball rolling? What else can you do? I wouldn't put my trust in verbally insisting and repeating that you want a divorce, there has to be some actions.

You're probably getting stronger and stronger. What you're going through now is a milestone, whatever happens in the coming days and weeks.

[GaGrl]

You've put your decision on the table -- it's in the open now. And his response indicates that he will take a passive-aggressive position. Now you know and can adjust your divorce strategy accordingly. Any attempt to talk it through at this point will probably result in arguments.

If you don't already have a lawyer, get one. Interview at least three, and ask about their experiences dealing with high a conflict individuals.

File for divorce, asking in temporary orders that he vacate the house.

Your state might require mediation. Do the session(s) but don't put a lot of faith in getting to a mediated settlement.

Trust your lawyer in how best to get to a final settlement.

[B2]

Thank you all for the reply.  I have been putting off actually talking to a lawyer because I know how angry it will make him, but I will stop procrastinating and do it. 

He was way too calm when I told him.  I feel like I’m on edge, waiting for him to explode… verbally, he’s never been physically violent. 

He wants to wait until Tuesday to tell our kids.  (Today’s Saturday).  I realize this is a stall tactic to see if I’ll change my mind, but yesterday when he requested we wait a few days, it seemed like a small concession. Last night we slept in the same bed, which was so awkward. I could easily sleep in my daughters bedroom, since she has bunk beds, but not without telling her why since it’s so out of the ordinary.  I would even sleep on the couch, but again, what do I tell the kids.  They are smart kids and I know they realize I’m unhappy in my marriage, but again, I’ve put up with so much, for so long, it will probably take them by surprise too. 
 

[ForeverDad]

Regarding kids, typically the walls have ears.  They may not be that surprised.

Remember that you have a right to privacy and confidentiality - including the legal advice.  Your spouse has no right to interrogate you, demand confessions or pressure you to share your lawyer's legal advice.  Family courts and lawyers are there to guide the unwinding of the marriage.  Yes, expensive, but necessary in our sorts of protracted cases.

Remember this too:  You may feel you have to be fair and give advance notice every step of the way.  Reality check:  Your spouse will probably not be fair in return.  Expect sabotage.  You're read some of our experiences.  Court doesn't care whether either of you are nice or not, nor fair or not.  Too often being overly fair will give him an opportunity to sabotage you.  So all you have to be is just a decent reasonably normal person and protective of your own interests and the interests of the kids.

You've heard of TMI?  Too much information?  That caution starts now.  If you were trying to fix the marriage, then yes you both would share information.  If the marriage has failed, then all you share is legally required information and also necessary parenting information.  Period.  Follow lawyer's legal advice.

[15years]

Basically, you have already informed him of your decision, whatever he says or believes. Explaining and repeating could lead to emotional exhaustion. Your next course of action should be your concern.

[ForeverDad]

Domestic court, often referred to also as family court, is there to handle the unwinding of a marriage or relationship.  If one spouse wants to divorce or separate, it will happen, the other can delay or even obstruct but cannot stop it.

Court addresses (1) the financial matters, (2) the custody issues and (3) the parenting schedules.  That is, of course, a simplification.  Our sort of cases are far more complicated than just that.

You will need to examine the risks and rewards of each aspect of the divorce.  Your interests as well as the children's interests.  That is your priority now.  You and your children.