BPD and view of death as abandonment

[Meriwhether]

Since abandonment is a major component of a pwBPD, how does this person handle a favorite person dying? Or a child's death?

My pwBPD had a favorite person to die a few years ago (this was before the diagnosis) and it was like a major social media obsession with seemingly attention-seeking social media pics/posts that were over the top. There were constant pics of the cemetery and parties and staged photo shoots at the grave site every year at the anniversary of the death.

Most recently she had a stillborn birth with a boyfriend who was the father (or fiance as she says). I can't figure out how this will play out for her. Any experiences with death and BPD abandonment issues?

I'm painted black and blocked on everything, but it is very concerning to me because of my grandchildren whom she has with my son. I've not seen any info on BPD and abandonment due to death so any info you may provide is very appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I don't have any sources of professional information, but my BPD mother is elderly and so I have observed how she has coped with life cycle events.

Life cycle events are big changes for anyone. Consider that pwBPD have difficulty handling their own uncomfortable emotions and so handle them in disordered ways. Losing a loved one is extremely emotionally difficult for anyone. It's understandable it would be for someone with BPD as well. The difference would be in their way of grieving.

Another aspect of family dynamics where there is a disordered person is the Karpman triangle. There is information about this here on this site and a lot out there. From my own observation, my BPD mother sees things from victim perspective.

The first time I saw how my BPD mother coped with a loss was at her father's funeral. She was emotionally cold and didn't show emotions. It was similar at my father's funeral. The rest of us were crying. Her demeanor was cold. I don't know if it's because she didn't feel sad or that it was so hard, she just blocked her feelings out.

One way she copes is through projection. My father passed away after a long illness and during this time, her BPD behaviors increased. I think she did feel abandoned. She acted as if he was doing this to her. She was in victim perspective and so she acted as if she was the victim of his behaviors when in actuality, he wasn't doing anything on purpose. I think she also felt abandoned when our attention was mostly on him, not her where before, we paid attention to her needs more.

I was painted black at the time my father passed away. I think this pattern of behavior is common. In the Karpman triangle- there's a victim, and there's the person who they see as responsible for their feeling like that.

Surely your pwBPD is going through a difficult time. I see that your connection with her is that she's the mother of your grandchildren.

It's interesting as my BPD mother disliked my father's family. It was mutual but they tolerated her and were nice to her. I assumed once he passed away, she'd want nothing to do with them, but she got very upset when she was not included in a family reunion, and also tries to stay in touch with them. This makes no sense to me considering the things she has said about them. It's strange but your pwBPD's behavior with you doesn't connect with what she may want from you.

What my mother responds to is attention to her feelings and when people expressed sympathy for her loss, she responded to that. Your pwBPD is grieving now- as anyone would but in her own way.

For the sake of your relationship with your grandkids, I would advise you pay extra attention to her feelings. It may not feel natural to you to go overboard with this and she may not respond appropriately but it's the only way I know to at least have the chance to stay connected if you wish. You can send something to her- flowers, or a sympathy food basket, something that you feel she would like. It seemed odd to me when my mother's family would constantly compliment her and make her feel special, but I also see that she responds positively to this. You might give this a try.

[Meriwhether]

Notwendy,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and give me such good information. I can look back over the past 12 years with my ex daughter in law and see so many of the same behaviors you describe regarding your mom. I have taken the past few weeks to study BPD and garner as much knowledge as I can, in the hopes of being a loving support to my young grandkids and to realize just what my son lived through (and still lives through even though they are divorced).

I want to tell you about this situation and would like your opinion as to me moving on or going back to revisit reaching out to her on the loss of her baby. Without a lot of back story, when we learned about the baby, I did text her a very nice and loving text. She never responded but that was truly okay as I didn't expect that and I didn't do it for that purpose. I had thought about when she came home that my husband/I could cook some of her favorite foods and deliver to the door. I also thought about taking the kids to shop for a nice piece of jewelry or keepsake that they could give her in the baby's memory. Fast forward to only a few days later after these thoughts...I was at the ballfield watching my granddaughter play softball. The other grandmother was present. I walked over to her and proceeded to ask her how her daughter was doing (she was still in the hospital). She literally screamed at me when I asked if she were still in ICU. I turned around and walked away. About five minutes later my son received a text from the ex-wife saying that if I approached her mother ever again that she would call the police on me from her hospital bed because her mom 'was intimidated' by me. I was stunned in the moment, but later decided that maybe me reaching out wasn't the thing to do and I dropped the plan to take food or to buy/send a gift. During self-reflection, I wondered if me reaching out was more about me trying to get her to accept me than me trying to be a kind person. I still don't know the answer but I think based on your wisdom and the Karpman Triangle, that she and her mom "feel" victimized by me and any attempt I make to be a normal, caring person is viewed as me being their Persecutor and gives them opportunity to talk negatively about me and our family to the grandkids (as we know they have/do).

Thank you again for any insight you can give. As much as I've read this summer, experience seems to be the best resource.

Meri

[Notwendy]

Apples don't fall far from trees and so it's possible the screaming grandmother was also reacting in her own disordered way. As you said- if you were expecting any kind of approval from her, for me, expecting anything from my mother is a sure way to anger her. You can't expect anything from someone who feels like a victim. In addition, this grandmother was likely also projecting her own grief.

My BPD mother was very mean to me when my father passed away. It didn't seem to occur to her that I was grieving too. I recall saying to her "I lost a father" her reply was to say even louder "well I lost a husband". There can only be one victim in the Karpman triangle. Expecting any consideration from them seems to feel unreasonable to them.

They also may need to have a persecutor to align against and it appears that person is you. My best advice is to stay neutral, not react one way or the other. It's not about you. Don't take it personally. It's the dynamics.

I would though take their threats seriously. After my father's funeral we were at my mother's house and she said "if I see you touching anything in this house, I will call the police on you". I didn't want material things from her but there were items that were sentimental that I did want. She didn't want to give them to me. I wouldn't put it past her to call the police if she wanted to. Don't take that personally either. I am not a criminal and neither are you. It's about their twisted thinking.

I think it's best to focus on being there for your grandchildren as much as possible. Recall that my BPD mother's disordered behavior escalated at times of emotional stress. It may be that you can not get out of persecutor position for now. It may be that attempts to be nice to them will backfire because they need you to be persecutor for now. Knowing this, it may be better to go along with what she said- don't approach them person to person.

I sent or bought food gifts during the time of my father's illness and sometimes she was angry about it and even threw them out. It's hard to know what they will do. If I send a gift now, I have to accept that she will either like it or toss it out. I send them because, I choose to. I know I have done it. So for instance, I send flowers for her birthday because, I think it's the right thing to do and I feel better knowing I did. My best advice about if you send a gift, is to do it if you feel it's what you want to do. I would not cook something and bring it to her. Instead, I'd have it bought and delivered- so you don't show up. Probably something non perishable- tea, coffee, boxed cookies, rather than food for meals. She can then do what she wants with it, even if she doesn't use it right away. Then, don't have any expectations of how she reacts or take it personally.

[Meriwhether]

Yes, the screaming grandmother has called me screaming over the phone in the past. She escalated when I remained calm and parroted everything she said back to her. She finally hung up on me when she realized that I wasn't going to get emotional. This has happened twice. She has done that to my son many times, even when he was married. She would call him to yell at him for doing or not doing this/that (whatever her daughter reported to her). It's just such a dysfunctional mess.

Your info about your own mom and the dynamics is very helpful. Do you have siblings? If so, was there a favorite child? Thank you for taking time to help me and for your candor and transparency. I'm sure it's not an easy thing to think about what you have gone through and are still going through.