My adult daughter w/ BPD update

[Parents! Get help here!]

I’m a mess - struggling to just barely cover up invisible pain. Keep calm and carry on is basically my thought pattern now.
Talking to my daughter yesterday was devastating to me…nothing new, just recent. 

She is a thirsty user - a parasite - of me in particular. Her chaos and poor decisions are like permanent marks on me. The last one where I gave her a ride to the mall to “meet her friend” was especially hurtful.  I worked so hard to make sure that she had a place to live - with her father -  after her jail time in late 2021/early 2022.  I wanted to make sure that she would finally face the consequences of her actions.  She lied to me with absolute conviction - it was easy for her. Logically I know that I am not the cause of her mistakes and her very bad choices - but as her mother and contributer to half of her DNA, I still feel responsible.  She’s my only child and I feel like I lost a very big deal & important game of Chance.  Despite the love and financial resources that she’s been given, she has BPD - as you all here well know as a serious psychological problem that can only be fixed with intensive CBT treatment.  She has absolutely no interest in receiving this help.

I’ve worked a long time to understand her, to support her, to meet her where she is and to offer whatever help I can.  In spite of my love for her and my many efforts to help her, she is currently homeless, she’s living in her car with an abusive partner & she’s using addictive drugs.  Sadly, she has no plan to climb out of the hole that she has made for herself. 

I fear she will commit suicide either intentionally or by accident.  My therapist who has steadfastly tried to convince me that if I help her, it will be like drinking poison.  It will ruin my relationship with my husband (not her father) - who is truly an innocent victim in this situation.  My daughter will lie to me, use me and treat me like a combination of human ATM and pack mule.  My therapist  is 100% right. She knows exactly what I’m dealing with because her own mother was diagnosed with BPD. 

The truth is really all that I am interested in at this point in my life and I know the truth.  It still hurts - a lot.  I still love her.  I want her to get better but I cannot force that to happen.  She is a very damaged, very stubborn 27 year old adult.  She’s going to do what she wants to do and all of it is bad for her. 

How do you get beyond this knowledge and insight about your adult child?  For me - I’m planning on moving away with my husband to a place that is half a world away (Thailand).  She doesn’t know this yet.  I’m sure that anyone who has parenting experience with a BPD child understands the fear of abandonment that they carry as part of their disorder. When she was younger it manifested itself by her literally begging me to stay at the apartment I rented for her to attend college - she would cry, threaten me and just act irrationally when I’d visit her once a week and when it was time for me to leave. And after a year of rental fees for the apartment, she never attended a single class.

I’ve learned to put boundaries in place.  She & her current boyfriend stole nearly 30k from my bank account from late 2019 until 2020.   He was skilled in identity theft and she had my card information.  This is the current legal problem they both face.  She blamed me yesterday for their terrible circumstances.  She says I’ve “ruined her life” by reporting this theft to police.  She says they can’t get work or a place to live because every time a potential landlord or employer does a background check they find pending felony charges against them.  The next court date is July 14. They have already had several continuances.   I’ve communicated to the DA that I will be available to give testimony on that day - but that I will be unavailable afterward.  I’m planning to move to Thailand at the end of this month.

I haven’t posted here in quite awhile but I know that this particular group of parents will understand what I am going through. Any advice is welcome.

[DoneMom]

I’m a mess - struggling to just barely cover up invisible pain. Keep calm and carry on is basically my thought pattern now.
Talking to my daughter yesterday was devastating to me…nothing new, just recent. 

She is a thirsty user - a parasite - of me in particular. Her chaos and poor decisions are like permanent marks on me. The last one where I gave her a ride to the mall to “meet her friend” was especially hurtful.  I worked so hard to make sure that she had a place to live - with her father -  after her jail time in late 2021/early 2022.  I wanted to make sure that she would finally face the consequences of her actions.  She lied to me with absolute conviction - it was easy for her. Logically I know that I am not the cause of her mistakes and her very bad choices - but as her mother and contributer to half of her DNA, I still feel responsible.  She’s my only child and I feel like I lost a very big deal & important game of Chance.  Despite the love and financial resources that she’s been given, she has BPD - as you all here well know as a serious psychological problem that can only be fixed with intensive CBT treatment.  She has absolutely no interest in receiving this help.

I’ve worked a long time to understand her, to support her, to meet her where she is and to offer whatever help I can.  In spite of my love for her and my many efforts to help her, she is currently homeless, she’s living in her car with an abusive partner & she’s using addictive drugs.  Sadly, she has no plan to climb out of the hole that she has made for herself. 

I fear she will commit suicide either intentionally or by accident.  My therapist who has steadfastly tried to convince me that if I help her, it will be like drinking poison.  It will ruin my relationship with my husband (not her father) - who is truly an innocent victim in this situation.  My daughter will lie to me, use me and treat me like a combination of human ATM and pack mule.  My therapist  is 100% right. She knows exactly what I’m dealing with because her own mother was diagnosed with BPD. 

The truth is really all that I am interested in at this point in my life and I know the truth.  It still hurts - a lot.  I still love her.  I want her to get better but I cannot force that to happen.  She is a very damaged, very stubborn 27 year old adult.  She’s going to do what she wants to do and all of it is bad for her. 

How do you get beyond this knowledge and insight about your adult child?  For me - I’m planning on moving away with my husband to a place that is half a world away (Thailand).  She doesn’t know this yet.  I’m sure that anyone who has parenting experience with a BPD child understands the fear of abandonment that they carry as part of their disorder. When she was younger it manifested itself by her literally begging me to stay at the apartment I rented for her to attend college - she would cry, threaten me and just act irrationally when I’d visit her once a week and when it was time for me to leave. And after a year of rental fees for the apartment, she never attended a single class.

I’ve learned to put boundaries in place.  She & her current boyfriend stole nearly 30k from my bank account from late 2019 until 2020.   He was skilled in identity theft and she had my card information.  This is the current legal problem they both face.  She blamed me yesterday for their terrible circumstances.  She says I’ve “ruined her life” by reporting this theft to police.  She says they can’t get work or a place to live because every time a potential landlord or employer does a background check they find pending felony charges against them.  The next court date is July 14. They have already had several continuances.   I’ve communicated to the DA that I will be available to give testimony on that day - but that I will be unavailable afterward.  I’m planning to move to Thailand at the end of this month.

I haven’t posted here in quite awhile but I know that this particular group of parents will understand what I am going through. Any advice is welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Meriwhether]

I have no advice but as a mom I do have such empathy for you; I cannot imagine the pain you are experiencing. I hope you are able to find peace and joy when you move.
~Meri

[DoneMom]

Thank you, I truly appreciate your support! 

It’s been a tough road for me.  I really worked hard and tried to be the best Mom that I could be.  I was 31 when she was born. I truly felt I was ready.  In my brain - I thought it would be best to give birth to a child before my 30th birthday - if I could.  Her father and I got together in our late 20’s. 

I wasn’t even supposed to be able to have ANY children (severe endometriosis) and her father and I were together for 6 years before I got pregnant.  He was Catholic raised and wanted as many children as I could push out and raise but because I was the main money earner, I said “let’s give everything we can to the one we have that is in my belly now”.  I got pregnant the - very - first  - time that we had sex without any birth control!   Crazy to me at the time!  Crazy to me even now! 

The one baby that we had turned out to be an absolute horror upon her adolescence.  Before that she was a kind, studious grade A student. I paid more for private school than the mortgage on our first house each month.   She accompanied me to my job at “take your daughter to work day”. 
She truly was a good child.

Seems like olden days now - but watching her crash now is awfully sad & there’s nothing I can do.

[Sancho]

Hi Donemum
Your journey is similar to mine in many ways - ie the journey with dd and bpd plus substance abuse.

The desperation to avoid abandonment for my dd has led to linking up with many men, all with similar problems. They face the world together, with the pain dulled by first of all being together and then the drugs that throw heaps of dopamine into the brain to soothe the nervous system.

Then there is always the 'next day' - as I call it - when the bag is empty, the brain does not get its 'hit' and the pain starts screaming again - but worse because withdrawal makes it worse.

In that moment, only one thing matters - how do I get more stuff?

BPD takes our children from us in many ways, but when combined with substance abuse, the loss is huge. We get to a place where we just feel cornered, trapped in the cycle that you describe - bad choices, bad consequences.

Your move to Thailand will be difficult for dd no doubt and you are clearly prepared for worst case scenarios.

We all get to a point where we need to step back, and we do that in different ways. I hope the move will be a new beginning for you and also for your dd. Perhaps it will be the circuit breaker for her too.

Best wishes  . . . . .

[By Still Water]

Hello Done Mom,
     I, too, do not have advice. Your post has my heart so sorry for your pain, yet cheering on your move, hoping your new chapter in Asia will be one of peace and happiness.

[wannabeamomma]

I understand your pain. How much easier would it be if she was just thinking and acting like a “normal” person? But she’s not. And there is nothing you can do except try hope that someday she will realize that you love her more than anything else.

[Vincent56]

I feel so sorry for myself and am so guilt ridden and I read this and I am sick for you.  I could cry right now.  My girl is 33 and lives far away and that's the best.  Haven't spoken for 3 1/2 years.  I have definitely abandoned her in her mind, and I actually feel the same way sometimes.  I don't think there are drugs or crimes, but she has no successful relationships and me included.  I wonder when they get so sick of themselves and their lives that they finally get help? I am no doctor, and her therapist told her she didn't have BPD. even after she took the big test and all.  She tells her it's anxiety.  HA!  I even know what she has.  I went to therapy twice a week for a year and took all the DBT therapy so I'd understand it all.  I know what to do, I know how to think, but she's not interested after I set boundaries.  If I won't listen, I'm not any use.  I pray you get to where you need to be.