How Long has Their Imposed Estrangement Been?

[By Still Water]

Hello Friends,

As we come up on over a year’s estrangement, I’m wondering what length of time others have experienced. His declared no contact came after I asked for mutually honoring texts - an address to his sneering ones over our non-pushed views. In his same text, he accused us of emotionally abusing and neglecting him in childhood. (We did anything but, always getting him help, always caring for him in his dysregulation.) Thankfully, our son w/BPD still speaks to his youngest brother (who is docile and navigates passively) but has not recontacted his other sibling - after this sibling asked him to simply converse via email, instead of texting, because (according to the sib) our son w/BPD would launch into arrogant rants and become incensed when civilly disagreed with, never asking about his sib’s life and family, always focused on himself, demanding that he never mention us - as a condition to have a relationship with him. The texts, our other son said, would be very uncomfortable. As I said to this other son, last week, I wish our Sw/BPD could just grasp that we love him, no matter what. It hurts, but the hurt is not controlling us.  We are living fully and peacefully with each other and our other two, enjoying our work, grandkids, etc. So, my question is, how long has estrangement been for you? What helps you deal with it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi By Still Water
I have not had a time of estrangement lasting as long as one year. I think everyone here probably has a different story to tell. For some it has been a long time, for others (more like myself I suppose) it comes in bursts.

I remember the anxiety I had during the first few instances of estrangement or no contact. It started dd not coming home at night, staying away a couple of days - all the time I had no idea where she was - and she was very much a teenager.

There are two really positive things in your post. The fact that there is contact with one family member is a really good sign and something that can ease your pain.

The other thing is that it sounds as though life is generally good with work and other family members.

The seemingly total self absorbed nature of BPD is so hard to take. When I had major surgery dd didn't call or pop in to see how I was.

There are two things that help me when I don't have contact. The first is that I use Bach Flower Remedies - particularly Red Chestnut. I take this when I feel the anxiety is sort of pulling me apart.

The other thing is that I take time to sit for a minute and think loving thoughts about dd. I didn't cause this, I can't cure it, I can't control it. These periods of time can really help me break the circles of anxiety and sadness that happen for me when I haven't had contact.

It will always feel as though there is a gap in my life though. Even when there is contact, it is the loss of the person that I watched grow up, cared for etc.

Thanks for posting. We all benefit when someone shares their journey here.

[By Still Water]

Sancho, thanks for helpful ideas. His birthday was last week; I'm sure you understand how those special days strike us. I've a dear friend who has not seen her daughter in about 7 years...deeply painful for so many.

[brokenmama]

My daughter and I are semi-estranged and go through periods of non-communication.  We've been doing that for about the last 3 years.  Its exhausting and very difficult!  In the meantime, I've found a website that has been very helpful in coping; www.rejectedparents.net.  It is a community of parents who have been estranged from their children for a variety of reasons not the least of which is mental illness.  In fact I would say a large part of the community is struggling with some kind of mental illness in their children.

I share in case it is something any of you might find beneficial. 

[By Still Water]

Broke mama, thank you for this resource. I look forward to exploring it. Much appreciation!

[Galadriel]

My estrangement has been over a year now and I expect it will last years to come as long as she remains with the man she left for.

[By Still Water]

Thanks for your reply, Galadriel.  What helps you to cope with that estrangement?

[Couscous]

Here’s another resource that you might find useful: https://reconnectionclub.com/time-wasters/