Adult relational chaos at Mom & Stepdad's house

[Notwendy]

So she's the one who leaves and then expects everyone to accommodate her on her birthday? Puts you in the position of changing your time with the kids or they have to be in a car all night? That way you are the "bad guy" for making them do this when she created the situation in the first place.  

Don't you just love these "no win" situations? (not) You either accommodate her or you become the blame for the issue she created. Yet, if you don't- who endures the consequences? The kids, and so as a parent, we choose the best decision for them, not us.

But she chooses the best decision for her. Truly, she created this. She can get in the car and come back for her birthday but she wants/needs to be accommodated and have it her way.

I'm sure this is crazymaking. The issue is though- she's not going to change - this is who she is. The problem though is that it involves children. When it comes to the drama triangle, most of the time, there are not true victims because adults have choices. However, when children are involved- they are potential victims in the sense that they don't have choices, they are dependent on their parents. It makes the drama triangle more complicated. If BPD mom is in emotional victim role, then you, SD and kids need to "rescue" her for her birthday but an all night drive is hard on the kids.

This goes along with mama-wolf's brining up parentification. I was also parentified as a teen. I recall having the sense that emotionally, I had "outgrown" my mother. We were all expected to take on the emotional caretaker role with her. In addition, I didn't really need a lot of hands on parenting. I could get myself to school, fix my own meals, and also was enlisted to help BPD mother with these sorts of tasks.  Likely your SD 16 knows about the marital issues. I understand why she doesn't want to talk about it.

But teens aren't adults yet. They still need a parent and it looks like their BPD mother isn't acting like one. Perhaps she's not equipped emotionally to parent teens. Thankfully for the girls, you are.

[ForeverDad]

It just occurred to me, most parenting plans include only the children's birthdays, and not the parents' birthdays.  Does yours specify either way?  This may be why DH is willing to politely say pound sand?

If it's not in the parenting schedule, the kids ought to be aware of it.

[kells76]

Interestingly ours includes parents' birthdays but not kids' birthdays.

That being said, DH's PT ends at 8pm the day before Mom's birthday. So in no way shape or form is he encroaching on her "birthday time".

[livednlearned]

Has your H responded to her?

[kells76]

I think so, and he hasn't mentioned getting anything back from her.

We were with the kids yesterday and neither kid made any of what would've been typical complaints from the past, like "Why aren't you letting us leave early", "why are you making us do an overnight drive", "I don't want to do what we're doing, I want to go on the trip to see Mom early", etc.

SD14 was with DH and SD16 was with me. SD16 didn't talk about the trip at all.

[kells76]

Has your H responded to her?

Yes. First he said "Aren't you out of town in [city out of state, ~9 hours away]?"

She said "No, I'm in [city in our state, still >3 hours away]"

He offered that they could pick up the kids an hour early tonight. Not sure if he's heard back on that.

[PeteWitsend]

...
Don't you just love these "no win" situations? (not) You either accommodate her or you become the blame for the issue she created. Yet, if you don't- who endures the consequences? The kids, and so as a parent, we choose the best decision for them, not us.
...

I've been there.  

I generally take the high road, but a couple times more recently, I snapped and told my D what was going on, and why it made me angry.  She just listens and doesn't say much.

  I know no kid wants to be dragged into a fight between their parents, but I want her to know we're not going to play along with her mom's dysfunctional behavior and demands, and it's not okay to be treated like that.

[kells76]

Update.

Kids did not complain about the late drive, interestingly. At least, not to us before they left. Sounds like SD16 puked on the drive up and SD14 puked on the way back. Poor kids.

At first it sounded like SD16 was going to be out of town only thru this last Saturday -- much shorter than she'd wanted. Then she emailed DH to let him know she'd be back this Wednesday. Apparently she 'd wanted to stay with grandparents, but they had something else going on, so she ended up staying with Mom's sister (with whom Mom had been staying at some point in the last month).

SD14 is back though. In the past she has been clingy with Mom/Stepdad if SD16 isn't around, so because it was our weekend with the kids, we'd tried to set up a friend staying over, too. That didn't work out, but interestingly, SD14 did fine on her own for 2 nights with us and no complaints or hints of "I just sleep better at Mom's". That was a nice surprise.

What DH did find out from SD14, though, as she was talking about her time up there, is that Mom's sister is now apparently openly involved in -- you guessed it -- a polyamorous relationship. Whatever your thoughts on it, what I can say is -- I had hoped that the whole point of SD16 getting out of town was to get away from all the drama at Mom's house with her/Stepdad/female family friend. I have no idea if SD16 knew ahead of time that her aunt is doing something very similar. Maybe it's a case of "even though it's the same, at least it's not Mom's house".

I had really hoped SD16 could have had a break from adult relational drama.

...

Petewitsend:

I know no kid wants to be dragged into a fight between their parents, but I want her to know we're not going to play along with her mom's dysfunctional behavior and demands, and it's not okay to be treated like that.

At some point having a backbone and calling it like you see it is the priority. It makes sense. Sometimes you just cannot "cover" for the other parent any more. We'll see if SD16 is near that point of being able to hear it. It feels touchy -- could go either way.

[PeteWitsend]

I understand the frustration of seeing dysfunction at your ex's house (or his ex's house), seeing it affect kids negatively, and not being able to do anything about it.

Or not being able to adequately convince any decision makers about it... you get "yeah, I see what you're saying, but it's not that bad."  And they only think it's not that bad, b/c the pwBPD lies through their teeth about things.

And the cost of a lawsuit is brutal.  And you feel guilty about whether you're stirring up more conflict than there otherwise would be.

[kells76]

Updating again... I guess for my own processing, not really sure if I have a question. Just getting it out there.

We knew SD16 was getting a ride back into town yesterday. She'd said something to DH like she would get dropped off at our place (even though it was a Mom day not a Dad day). We figured it was a mixup and she'd actually get dropped off at Mom's. It was supposed to be SD14's time with us, but she texted DH to say she really wanted to welcome SD16 back so she wanted to stay at Mom's. Sounds like DH  SD14 negotiated a trade, so that was that...

then DH and I were just getting back from an errand and we see a car in the driveway, and it's SD16 getting dropped off by Mom's parents. Kind of interesting because SD16 would have to tell them "don't take me to Mom's house". I guess Grandparents were staying in town and they were all going out to dinner later yesterday night? First thing we'd heard about it -- again, Mom didn't communicate anything to us. It would've helped SD14 too if we'd known. Oh well.

SD16 stayed with us for a few hours until it was time for the dinner plan with Mom. "Old" SD16 would've wanted to make Mom/Stepdad happy by "seeing them first before Dad". Interesting.

[Notwendy]

Who knows what could be going on. Maybe it will become more clear in a bit.