Beginning again

[BoCat]

Hello, this is my first post.  I am a divorced mom of 5 adult children. My youngest, age 23, was diagnosed with BPD in high school. I was first exposed to her extreme emotions when I was dating someone, and she was not happy about it, even though I only spent time with him when the kids were with their dad. That relationship is long over, but my daughter still believes it caused her BPD.  As a teenager, she ended up in an adolescent psych hospital after an ER visit for a panic attack and suicidal ideation. It was difficult to find a therapist that was well versed in BPD; but when she went to college, miraculously I found there was a group of therapists near campus who specialized in the disorder!  My daughter began seeing a therapist there, and more than 4 years later, is still talking to the same therapist. She loves her, and it really has helped. Meanwhile, I have read lots about BPD and tried my best to support my daughter at her worst times.
Despite her emotional issues, my daughter is a high achiever... straight A student, pre-med, involved in many activities. Fast forward to now, she is a college grad, living in a different city and working at an MD office. She is also in the midst of med school applications, changing meds, and just the stress of life. A couple of weeks ago, a phone conversation turned into a rage, and now she is deciding whether she wants to have a relationship with me because we have differing views on politics and religion. She cannot agree to disagree. She said I have always been critical and never listened to her. If she ever has children, she's not sure if she will allow me to be around them, as doesn't want me doing to them what I did to her. What?  Is this the same child I comforted and supported when her dad was verbally/emotionally abusive?  The child I've always loved and tried to encourage in whatever she wanted to do?   It hurts.
So this is my first step in trying once again to ride the storm out, to learn more about BPD, and to take care of myself. Coincidentally (or not), tomorrow I am beginning therapy myself, that is the second step.
Thank you for letting me vent. It is good to know there are others out there who understand how difficult this is.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Bocat
This is a great place to vent - I come here often! First of all you have done an amazing job. Your daughter was diagnosed quite young, so you have been on a journey for some time.

Looking at dd's current situation I suppose it is a time when some extreme symptoms of bpd would surface: changing meds, different state etc. The stress levels are high and bpd turns to  . . . . . blame.

It is a complex thing that I don't quite understand - something quite outside normal logic and reasoning. But once they feel the pain, there is the need to blame and the safest person is the one who has been there, has done all the hard yards.

It is always a shock to be confronted with the verbal outburst and you feel the pain in your heart.

How to deal with it is often commented on here. I had constant abuse and blaming for years, violence etc. I always knew though that it was the illness taking over when this was happening.

There are lots of suggestions here as to how to respond. I found that no response was the best one. Then eventually I found that most of the time my heart was not bruised either. I let the words go past. I just let time pass to see how things were when emotion was less.

How did you cope with your dd's tirade?