Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 12:07:34 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Controlling DIL  (Read 590 times)
Concerned Mumsie
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1


« on: July 28, 2022, 09:29:25 AM »

My daughter in law controls all access to my son.
He cannot visit, call or talk to me without her permission
or communicate with me in anyway.
Any ideas on how to reach him?
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Sancho
Ambassador
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 706


« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2022, 02:56:27 AM »

Hi Concerned Mumsie
I can see why you have chosen this name! What an awful position to be in. Is you DIL diagnosed with BPD?

It is a situation that has cropped up here in various ways, and it is very painful. It is not uncommon for BPD folk - probably more so when there is a strong bond between parent and child.

Can you describe what sort of contact you are 'allowed' to have? From what I have read and from my own experience I think there are a few things to consider as to what might be happening.

- DIL is in some way and to some degree - probably high degree - threatened by the relationship you have with your son.
-DIL needs the total attention of your son to avoid experiencing deep abandonment.
DIL will be looking for any excuse to cut the ties between you and your son.

I am not sure how you can work to change this situation.

If you did get the chance to spend some time with your son by himself, he will probably be quizzed to the limit by DIL. And even if there is no conversation about DIL, she probably won't believe him (the paranoid aspect of BPD).

If you try to take the initiative you risk putting your son as piggy in the middle. This would be a very difficult place for him to be.

So all this says I am not much help really. It is like walking a tightrope and you never know when a simple ordinary thing might trigger DIL separating you and your son even more.

The only thing I can think of is perhaps setting up routine contacts so that they don't require negotiation (perhaps you have this already). The other thing that I have had to use a lot (but in relation to the triangle of me, dd and gd) is that I have to always appear that I am not the slightest bit interested in being the main person in gd's life (even though I have been for 12 years!).

It is a bit of a play acting really. I pretend I'm not concerned etc - and somehow it seems to take the pressure off - most of the time! I always check with dd first about things I know I am going to have to do anyway - things like that.

I suppose what I am doing is handing over control to dd so she doesn't have to fight me for it.

I am not sure this is making sense and I don't really have enough sense of how things are playing out in a day to day sense for you. Perhaps you could give a little more detail?
Logged
GrandmaS

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7


« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2022, 05:13:13 PM »

Concerned Mumsie,

I am in the same situation, though my daughter-in- law has now cut me off from my grandchildren. Our son says "they" have decided that it is o.k. for him to still come see us. However, every time he says he is coming over, he cancels for very lame reasons. We stopped texting him and contact him via e-mail only in the hopes that she won't read his e-mails ( though she may). My counselor says to keep the conversation on a surface level only. If we do get a chance some day to talk to him alone, we will tell him we see a pattern of behavior-- he is cut off from his friends, family, and favorite activities. Then we will ask him  if he knows he has a right to make decisions, for example bringing the kids to a park so we can see them. Ultimately, it is his decision to stay in the marriage and allow her to call the shots. Some days I wish we wouldn't have raised him to be so nice (which is a sad thing to wish, I think). Standing up to her comes at a huge cost!

It helps to know there are other people out there with similar situations! I am 62 and have never met a person like my DIL. I wish I had some good advice.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!