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Author Topic: Grown Daughter  (Read 432 times)
Truesouthrrs
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 2


« on: July 29, 2022, 12:25:35 PM »

Hello,

My adult daughter was diagnosed as a young teen (12) with BPD and Borderline Personality.
As a child the traits were also prevalent.

Our relationship has been difficult, however my daughter never would stay angry at me long, often going back to being  friendly after a few months.

At 18 she moved out, with a boyfriend and his family immediately becoming pregnant, with my now 6 year old grand child. My daughter has two more children one with the first boyfriend who she ended up marrying... and now a third who she married 60 days after divorcing the first.

With my 1st two grandchildren I had them almost daily, at my house over night and I did most of the caregiving. When I didnt have them, the second grandparents did. Due to my grandkids I would allow my daughter to treat me less than perfect because at least I had the children.

Fast forward, new grandchild, new husband.. new husband believes all the demonizing stories my daughter says and they now refuse to let me see the kid, it has been two months. Old husband does meet me for lunch sometimes with them on his weekends luckily. For 5 months during her divorce, my daughter and grankids minus the infant were court ordered at my house.  After the divorce was final, the same night, she took the kids and left.

 Stupidly I paid for the entire divorce as well, knowing my daughter has a large 2 digit tax refund check due to her.  Of course when I refused to lie to the courts and department of human resources about the children still being at my house, then i was "going to pay" and for 3 months have only seen my two grandchildren 3 times when they were visiting their dad.


The problem is the new husband/boyfriend has believed the demonizing stories my daughter says about me, and he is also on-board with me not seeing the kids. The third grandchild is almost a year only been allowed to see 3 times his whole life.

My daughter refuses to pay back the 6k I spent on her custody/divorce, says " i didnt ask you to"
And says good luck getting it.

I have stopped talking to her, except to ask to see the kids which there is always an excuse they are sick, they are busy, etc etc. 

If it wasnt for the kids I would be done with this grown child, done. I love her, but her disrespect and behavior is intolerable.  But to have any hopes of being with my grandchildren more than a quick lunch on their dads days, I have to find a way to get my daughter to comply. The new husband doesnt help as he is very rude and disrespectful to me as well due to hurt feelings when I told him to grow up and get a job!

My daughter though is the one that owes me. I never once left her side. Always paying the bill, the bail, the everything..

What can I do to fix this relationship or will only time be the answer?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Sancho
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Posts: 707


« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2022, 05:09:52 AM »

Hi Truesouthrrs
Welcome to the place where we share experiences and understand the pain we go through trying to relate to our bpd children.

The pain of being cut off from loved grandchildren is terrible, and even (if possible) more so when you have been the one to shelter/nurture and care for them in those early formative years.

I had quite a few times when dd would just gather the little one up and off they would go into some pretty awful situation. The first time was the worst. I was beside myself with anxiety.

I think you will find many grandparents going through this grieving. For some there has been no contact at all for quite a long period - or years. Going from constant contact to just here and there is painful - but you have a foot in the door there with her previous husband and at least some contact.

And I think you said you have seen the little one 3 times?

I read your post a few times and came to focus on 'I have to find a way to get my daughter to comply'.

When we journey with someone with BPD I think we - naturally - get into a pattern of protecting, bailing out, taking responsibility for children and anticipating the next crisis in the hope that we can somehow avoid it.

In my opinion I think all these things are valid - when they are possible. If a bpd child steps away then I think it is time to re-evaluate what our role is.

One of the big things I came to see was that dd had me on a string because she knew I was emotionally involved and was there to pick up the pieces.

Gradually I learnt to 'let go' and keep my own life going. Somehow my stepping back freed up things and actually improved things.

I think you said that you don't have contact with dd except to ask if/when you can see the children.

I wonder what would happen if you made contact on some other pretext and just said cheerily at the end of the conversation (which would be short) 'Let's know when it suits you for the kids to have a visit' - and finish there.

There is some aspect of bpd I think where they struggle to have control, so they take control - often abusive - towards the one person who has always been there for them.

In my experience, instead of finding a way for dd to do the right thing, I have focused on trying to 'let go'.

So I am here, in the background and ready to support. It was so painful to let go, but it was the only way to be able to keep any sort of connection.

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