My adult daughter has BPD traits and I am facing her wrath every day.

[Manifest32f]

Hi all: it has been a couple of years since I posted on this site although I have often visited it when I was very distressed and didn’t know what to do and how to navigate my life and everyday living, finding little to no peace. To give a little bit of the family background- my husband(81) & I (74) have a 45 year old daughter who is working and taking care of herself reasonably ok. 3 yrs ago, my husband and I decided to move far away, back to the east, since we both retired and didn’t have much income and could not sustain ourselves and didn’t want to be a financial burden on our udBPD. Due to Covid, we could not meet for ~ 2 1/2 years and came to visit her in April 2022, with a plan of staying for a couple of months until possibly the end of September or early October, since she was very upset when we left after 11 weeks stay. That was our first mistake. When we came here, we realized that all the old issues were waiting to be thrown back at us with multiple force and strength! It’s always been my fault when anything irks her and now she has started taking it out on him also. The rage is unbelievable and unbearable and the words are poison almost all the time. She calls us vampires who have come to suck out all the blood and leave her dry. BTW, we take care of most of the expenses and told her it’s our responsibility and even offered to pay 50% rent, but she said’no’. However we keep depositing lump sum money into her checking account (after informing her- otherwise it will give her a reason to start a fight and be abusive) since we are trying to avoid any blaming or inconvenience for her. Her explosive behavior started exhibiting since she was 25 or so and it has been on the increase. Now we find that she has been very weak physically due to having Covid, neglectful about her health needs (has Gluten allergy and avoids eating almost everything). also has some body image issues and wants to do multiple things neglecting her health and rest. She is for ever ready to go out and spend time (& money on self and others!) so she keeps herself busy all week to the point of exhaustion and takes it out on us when she gets sick or has laundry piling up or there’s anything left undone! She is forever blaming us for not loving her, caring how she is doing, not planning for weekend outings or vacation since we have been here. Being at our age, we try to get all the chores done and make sure we keep up the apartment ok and that doesn’t make her satisfied- she wants us to show we care about her happiness, plan things to do with her, go to museums, shopping, blah blah blah- the list is never ending. On the other hand, she wants us to get out of her house (the lease is in our name), this minute, immediately, nothing can be in her house, etc. Then the next morning she will text us a message either apologizing for her outbursts or continue with the tirade, we can never be sure. We really don’t know how much longer we can take this & I am ending up with migraine so often. She blames us for not asking her how she is doing, coping, if she is happy, etc. but will never allow us any time to do, she is too tired, ‘ask me later’ & it’s never a good time! I am really very sorry that my write up is so long and I welcome any advice/ comment from you. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Glad you came back here Manifest123f.
I think I have this correct: you visited dd for 11 weeks or so after a long break due to covid and now you are planning another visit for September/October because dd was upset/angry etc that you left after 11 weeks last time?

Everything you describe is my experience of BPD with dd. It is chaos and emotional turmoil. It sounds as though these symptoms were worse on your last visit than they have been previously. I think this would be understandable on two counts: firstly the fact that you have moved away (abandonment would be increased) and secondly the fact that it had been so long since you had been physically present (it's like a child who doesn't like school taking it out on the parent who comes to pick them up).

Have you locked in the next visit?

It might be good to focus on long term plans at this stage, given your husband's age, the fact that dd copes reasonably well regarding work and managing etc.

Regarding managing the next visit:
It will most likely be like the last so can you practise 'greystone rock' ie when the abuse starts just try to let it go through to the keeper that is let it go past you without 'touching' you. 

Let the blaming go past too. You know you have done everything you possibly can and really from what you say, you have done extremely well. Your dd is settled which is more than many of us can say.

Prepare for the fact the when you getting ready to leave/leaving the emotions will be intense, blaming, raging will increase because it dd will experience it as intense abandonment.

In the longer term:
Are you able to keep on depositing large amounts of money? If you are doing this, try not to offer any more help eg paying half the rent. If you can look at the long term situation in this regard it would be good - even looking at how you structure your wills.

I intend to leave a life interest in a unit I own to my dd so that I know she will have a roof over her head for life. If I just left it to her, some of her mates would convince her to sell it and all the money would be blown and she would be pretty destitute.

Secondly what pattern of visiting do you think is a long term one? Would it be better if dd came to visit you?  Do you think a once a year based around an event eg Christmas would be better?

You probably have thought of all these things so sorry if repeating all you know already. It's just that you both (as am I) are getting on and dd seems reasonably stable.

If all the long term stuff is settled, I think the focus needs to be on yourselves, making sure that you care for your own needs and health at this point in time and making short term plans that are based on making sure you are both okay.

[Manifest32f]

Hi Sancho! Thanks a million for your prompt & on the point response re what we are going through and what to expect & be prepared for. Actually, we initially left in March 2019, for 6 months and came back in September 2019 and stayed for 11 weeks and went back. Our initial plan when we decided to move was to come visit her a couple of weeks every year when the weather was agreeable. However due to Covid we postponed visiting (mutually agreed) until travel was safe. So we came to see her now in April 2022 & we are still staying with her. Our plan was to stay maybe 6 months or so but we feel already that it may not last that long, with her behavior every day. I have family I plan to visit for a couple of weeks so that we can be away & let her have her space. We have to discuss with her and make some plans soon. In the meantime, both my H and she have their birthday’s coming up & it’s very important that we do something together as a family- otherwise all hell will break! She will not sit down to discuss what she would like to do but will make our life miserable if we don’t do something. She likes to play these games to test us and later blame us that’we don’t love her’, etc. it really ends up very depressing and plenty of tears, etc. I would rather avoid that. But she is still not willing to sit and discuss it and I don’t know what to do. Any suggestion is welcome.
Re finances, my husband is very firm that we will not give away whatever we have to her at this time and anything leftover after we pass, she could have and that’s that. She has been complaining about not owning an apartment and we have told her we don’t have any money to give her. The money we are giving her now is for our living with her now. We think it would ease some of her self- generated financial stress. I have to admit that she is very generous and thoughtful and never cringes or stingy when she takes us out or orders delivery or goes out anywhere &  always buys us something. She is liked by many who take complete advantage of her generosity and God help us if we dare say anything!
Both my H and I find it extremely difficult to cope with her spiraling temper and frequent rage & outbursts. She asks us to ‘leave her house’ at least once a day and we feel terribly hurt and angry. But we keep quite and lie low until the storm passes. I don’t know how long we can do it though.
Once again, I have gone on and on - please forgive my rambling. Love you guys for all your support and tips !

[Sancho]

Hi Manifest32f
When you describe the birthday dilemma it brings so many things to my mind! I am not sure if it is the most frustrating thing about BPD but it is up there near the top of the list.

For some reason that I don't understand, bpd people can't work through to a solution - whether it be for a problem, an outing etc. Sometimes I wonder if the brain is thrown into confusion if options are given. Either that or they are so black and white in their thinking that there is no flexibility  in their thinking patterns and to have an option just makes the brain freeze and then the anger starts.

The six month stays are a long time. Do you have a fixed date for when you are leaving?

For my dd's birthday the plan would be: meal somewhere with family, small gift and money!

Another aspect of bpd is the 'manic' side that needs to spend up, splash money around (I think as a way of being liked by others) - and then crash again.

I am not sure if that recipe would work in your circumstances. Whatever you do will probably end in angry outburst, so try not to worry too much about avoiding that. Get it over with is my motto!

Mostly I hope you are able to let the abuse go past you. Hearing every day 'Get out of my house' must be so painful and I worry that staying in this environment too much longer might have lasting effect.

I hope you can get home, recover and regroup very very soon.

[Manifest32f]

Hi Sancho:
Your thoughtful response is very inspiring! We are facing the wrath very regularly and I have gotten used to it (somewhat) and don’t respond, and let it flow past me most of the time although I reiterate my thoughts to my H when we are alone!