Setting boundaries with previously alienated teenager

[vitaluna]

I divorced my children’s father seven years ago. At that time, the minor kids’ ages were 16, 14, 12, 10, and 9. My ex-husband and his mother used some pretty hard core tactics to alienate my children from me. Some of the kids were more alienated than others, my now 17 year old daughter being one of them. They’re were numerous periods of 3 to 7 months that she refused to spend time with me, or even talk to me. About 6 months ago she began to make occasional attempts to be closer to me. She still tends to ignore my texts and phone calls, unless she initiates contact.

I do not know if my daughter has BPD. I am a psychotherapist and have seen folks with personality disorders on occasion, and can say that she exhibits some of the characteristics associated with BPD. However, I don’t think an official diagnosis really matters to my question, which is How do I set boundaries with this highly volatile child?

She has recently started telling me that her father isn’t buying groceries or toiletries  for the two girls still in his home, and that he is only home long enough to sleep. Yes, this is the man who worked so hard to steal my kids from me. When I tell her she can live at my house and that I will make sure she eats and has the thing she needs to take care of herself, she refuses my offer saying things like she doesn’t feel comfortable there, or doesn’t want to leave her job which is near her father’s home, but quite a drive from mine. There are many other things she asked for help with, but always seems to find a way to refuse my offers of practical help. She wants things and money, and seems to be pushing for me to buy groceries for her dad’s home. Her younger sister also says there is no food there, and I honestly don’t have a problem making sure they have food to eat. What is hard is that it feels like an attempt to guilt me into handing out money. It comes up in other ways as well.

Last night was a particularly hard night. It was my birthday and my daughter had agreed to babysit my step-son and grandson while my wife and I went to dinner. A short while before we were to leave, she decided that she wouldn’t babysit because we had not “kept our promise” to take her to the store to buy body wash. We did not promise to “take” her to the store, only to make sure she had some by the end of the day. She threw a fit, screaming that “this is the reason I don’t like to be with you, Mom” To make a long story short, we did not go out and my birthday ended on a terrible note. Two days before this, on a trip to NYC, she has another, similar but worse, outburst. She screamed how much she hates me, spiced up with the f word here and there. It was truly awful. So, what do I do with a girl like this? I not only want to protect myself, but my wife and the other kids in or life. It’s not fair that we’re all tiptoeing around her moods, and it’s honestly making me strongly dislike this child of mine. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mary Jean]

I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation.
It sounds like you are walking on eggshells like so many of
us in this group. You have given your daughter a choice.
It sounds like she isn’t happy with either option. Sorry, I don’t have any answers for you.  When your daughter becomes 18,
Can she become more responsible for herself. My daughter
has been adult for a long time and still isn’t as responsible
as she should be. Good luck!

[pursuingJoy]

vitaluna, glad you're here.   I'm sorry for all you've endured. It's ok to not like your kid sometimes and it's 100% fair to want to protect your wife and yourself and your other kids. You can and you should.

So, what do I do with a girl like this?

It can help to learn their triggers. Holidays and trips are triggering for pwBPD. My MIL will find a way to make anyone's birthdays and holidays all about her, and if they're not, she'll make them miserable for others. My BPD daughter always dysregulated on trips.

It can also help to understand how easy they are to invalidate. There's an awesome article in the tools tab above about validation, highly recommend it. I read it often.

She probably is trying to use guilt to get you to give her money. It's a tactic pwBPD employ because it's worked for them. You made the right choice in setting a boundary with her, in fact, I think you've made some great choices in your communication with her.

I try to remind myself to set a good example for my kids, and teach them (by example, if nothing else) that guilt trips, setting ultimatums, and throwing tantrums are very ineffective ways of relating. By setting boundaries, communicating well, and being caring, patient and firm, you're still mothering, in the most responsible way.