Mothers: Did you have a stressful pregnancy or see early warning signs of BPD?

[Jane13]

I have only posted a few times to this forum but have spent a few weeks reading old posts. The first thing that hits me is how similar our stories are. The second is how articulate everyone’s posts are. It seems this forum draws high IQ people who are the parents of high IQ children.

I feel like I’ve read every book about BPD and I’m still disappointed with the lack of research. And what I’ve read only leads to more questions. Why is there an explosion in personality disorders? Why did I only find out about PDs a few years ago? If so many people are suffering from BPD, why are we not reading about it everywhere? Why are we not seeing documentaries about this all over the place?

Many of us seem to share commonalities in that we had an abusive parent or spouse. But I’m also curious about other things we have in common. For example, I had a highly stressful pregnancy with my BPDd. I was a young mother, and my ex (her father) had an affair when I was pregnant. (I mention this because I read a study that found higher incidences of children born with autism to pregnant women who were under extreme stress). Were any other mothers in this group under extreme stress during their pregnancies?

Also, did other mothers see early warning signs? When my BPDd was in the womb, for example, her kick counts were off the charts, sometimes 40 kicks within a few minutes. As a newborn, she never slept, literally would take only 15-minute naps. You could see dark circles under her eyes all the time. She was lactose intolerant and had to have soy formula. As she got older, she spoke in full sentences early, she tested into the gifted program, made excellent grades all through school…but she seemed to have little conscience or concern about consequences. Her tastes in music, clothes, everything, changed drastically, depending on who was her "special person" at the time. The emotional dysregulation only appeared in her late teens/early 20s.

I really regret that I only found out about BPD recently and didn’t get the right support for her while she was still under my roof. I am an avid reader but when it comes to BPD, I feel like I was living under a rock.

She is an adult now and has broken off contact with me, and I have been grieving that loss for months. I miss her and worry about her, and I’m conscious that my intellectualizing can’t fix my relationship with her. But I am so full of questions and so disappointed that we don’t have answers.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tanager]

Hi Jane13,
   It seems that the cause of bpd is so often attributed to environmental factors, but I often think my daughter was born with a bpd brain. I had a normal pregnancy, but like yours, my daughter didn't sleep very much - 15 minute naps were normal.  She was always a superior student. Now with three degrees, always tops academically, she has a hard time adulting, and is socially awkward.  A gifted and talented teacher once told me many of his students struggled with psychological issues. My daughter was also diagnosed as a toddler with apraxia of speech, with a physical coordination component. I wonder if that affected the emotional part of her developing brain as well. I really think bpd brain research is key to understanding this disorder.

[guiltymom]

My pregnancy was uneventful, but in hindsight my son with BPD showed signs as early as about 18 months old. (He's now 24.) He stayed at my parents' house one weekend so that my husband and I could take a little trip, and when we got back to pick him up, my mother obviously couldn't wait to hand him back over to us. She said he was "difficult, whiny, and moody." At the time I thought it was hilarious that she could say those things about a toddler, but over the last few years I've often thought back to that moment. My mother (dead for several years) was highly perceptive about people—and I also think now that she had BPD traits as well. Maybe she was more attuned than I was at recognizing them?
Other than that weekend when he wasn't even two years old, I also noticed that starting really young, at about age six, my son would split me and my husband. He would strongly prefer one of us to the other, and would switch back and forth between us. That behavior has continued to this day.
Interesting thread.

[By Still Water]

I had a nasty stomach virus, during pregnancy. Labor was induced and I had pushed for two hours. Forceps delivery. Anxiety attacks and social awkwardness in elementary school. Tested out with high I Q. Has a Ph.d. Rages began in late elementary grades.  Eczema and lactose intolerant.

[Manifest32f]

Hi all: my udBPD is also very intelligent (straight A’s, dean’s list, phi beta kappa, etc.), highly regarded attorney, OCD, and her symptoms of anger and rage started much later, although we failed to recognize the level of anxiety while growing up. She is very talented, self taught piano, sings beautifully, has a wonderful voice and loves to sing and dance. She literally has bells on her feet. However, her angry outbursts started much later and is on the rise day by day, with intermittent showers of love and concern, so much so, that one cannot predict when or what will change the tide! She is enmeshed with me (mother) and to help separate her from me, I retired and moved far away with my husband, so that she would learn to be independent and live her life. Although we were terrified how she would manage, she did pretty good on her own for ~28 months, (due to Covid we could not visit) and somewhat foolishly we decided to come and see her.
Since our return, it has been very fluctuating, and completely unpredictable from one day to the next. In the next couple of months, we will go back and at this time I am not sure if I can ever visit her again. Instead, she can come visit us and stay as per her convenience and return. The biggest challenge is, when she is nice, she is extremely lovely and when she dysregulates, it’s very very upsetting and we feel lost. We love her very much and we try to emphasize it all the time however erratically she behaves towards us and blames us for all that goes wrong in her life. It’s a work, one day at a time and that’s what we have to do, with our loved ones. Take care and stay safe.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I'd like to ask if your children were, by any chance, put in daycare early and if so, what kind of care? Of many children, home vs center, at what age, etc.
 
Not to guiltrip anyone... I am the daughter of a BPD mother and am HSP, so high emotional sensitivity runs through our veins. My daughter is clearly HSP as well, and has been showing consistent signs of giftedness. Compared to my son, she could never play alone and still routinely states she fears being alone, has high level of anxiety surrounding this particular subject, even though she never was left alone.

I don't believe my BPD mother is gifted though. So I don't think BPD and giftedness are related. But this specific website (opposed to Reddit /raisedbyborderlines, does seem to attract more like-minded individuals, concerned about healing and understanding themselves.

[Jane13]

Thanks to everyone who has contributed on this thread. @Stillwater I too had a horrible stomach virus a few weeks before I gave birth and had to have an IV to rehydrate. My labor also was traumatic, 36 hours which ended in a C section. But I still think the high kick-counts indicated anxiety or hyperactivity was going on as early as the third trimester...BPD daughter and her uBPD dad get strange rashes when they are under stress...
@River Wolf, I briefly considered day care and going back to work but it wouldn't work for me, bc her dad was often deployed with the military and I had no family support. Also she was difficult to entertain (wouldn't play alone, almost never played "pretend"). Every day was incredibly demanding. I ended up quitting my job and became a stay at home mom for 10+ years...Also, like you, I would describe myself as HSP. I was sensitive to light and sound (still am), had lots of nightmares in childhood, am overly sensitive to scary movies, don't eat some foods because of their texture...

I feel so much empathy for everyone on this group who is going through so much pain. I know that if you're like me, not a day passes when you don't think about your child, wonder if you're at fault, and grieve over the relationship.

[Amom]

I am new to this site too and I read your post because it got so many replies.  I did a short post asking for help and had no detail like yours.  I agree with you on the frustration that this is not more in mainstream if so many are suffering from it.
I am noting similarities - I too had a stressful pregnancy.  I too noticed my child was not anything like “the book”.  Doctors said colic but she too had the dark circles and cried a lot even though she was not wet or hungry.  She too tested gifted was a great student but at 16 decided to go punk and seemed to want the acceptance they offered.  She is intelligent and miserable most of the time emotionally.   Series of intense relationships that end badly.  I fear for her future.
I am so sorry you have no contact with your daughter.  Mine is 23 and I always fear that will happen.  I am accused of not loving her like her sister and I continue to “manage” the relationship to keep her in my life.

[Jane13]

Thank you for the reply, Amom. I'm pretty new to this forum too. You and I have some interesting similarities. Doctors also said my daughter had colic. As she became a toddler, I told pediatricians she was far more active than most children, but they didn't provide any advice...I wonder if researchers ever use these message boards - if so I hope they see this thread about pregnancies.

Interesting about your daughter's change to a punk "identity". My daughter did not go "punk" but she changed her sexual identity every few years. She was such a chameleon in school. I have kept trying to figure out what her "real" identity is but I'm not even sure she knows. My daughter is also 23. I'm glad you still have contact with yours. So many young people are using social media as their only source of information and Tiktok and Insta are awash in memes advising people to go "no contact" if a person simply makes them uncomfortable.

[2much4me]

I have MDD and during my pregnancy with my (possibly) BPD daughter, I was horribly, almost suicidally depressed for the whole pregnancy, not to mention had severe nausea for all 9 months.  On my due date, I saw my OB and begged him to induce me because I felt suicidal to make it another day, which he did. relatively easy birth (compared to #1).  I remember her fighting sleep a lot as a baby and somewhat "colicky".  She is also very smart, straight A student and teachers always raving about how bright she is, a really good writer.  She's also had very perfectionistic tendencies and a flair for the dramatic, problems tolerating stress, for about as long as I can remember. But, although my mom has BPD dx, and I think me and my daughter have some issues with regulating emotions (I remain engaged in multiple, long term recovery efforts), full-blown symptoms for her were triggered by being raped by a classmate when she was 16. C-PTSD and BPD are often co-morbid. But, yeah, rough pregnancy and very bright kid for certain.  FYI:  My mom says I was a bad pregnancy and birth, my mom got into a bad marriage because she was pregnant with me, my birth was traumatic and they used forceps and, born in Navy hospital, they separated me (all babies) from moms and waited until the peed and pooped before giving them a thumbs up and returning them. ironically, it took me awhile and I have had issues with my intestines/constipation my whole life. very freudian.

[2much4me]

I have MDD and during my pregnancy with my (possibly) BPD daughter, I was horribly, almost suicidally depressed for the whole pregnancy, not to mention had severe nausea for all 9 months.  On my due date, I saw my OB and begged him to induce me because I felt suicidal to make it another day, which he did. relatively easy birth (compared to #1).  I remember her fighting sleep a lot as a baby and somewhat "colicky".  She is also a very smart, straight-A student, and teachers always rave about how bright she is, a really good writer.  She's also had very perfectionistic tendencies, a flair for the dramatic, was super attuned to other people's emotions and showed problems tolerating stress, for about as long as I can remember. Weirdly, for about a year around age 10, she would have these "attacks" where she'd wake up in the middle of the night and have severe stomach cramps followed by diarrhea and vomiting bile.  Afterward, she'd sweat profusely and tremble then be exhausted the next day with no other symptoms. Happened about every 8 weeks, took her to a neurologist, they said maybe abdominal migraines then attacks just stopped? Crohns, IBS, colitis, all common in my family too, gut-brain connection is being proven critical by research. hopefully will provide better treatment options for mental illness soon. But to your point, yes, rough pregnancy and she's a very bright kid.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[weezer]

 

                 Hello,  I too am researching for the Why? Why is this happening to our daughter, Why is it ruining our family. I had a normal pregnancy, normal delivery. I noticed from birth that she was sensitive to sounds, light , but when she did sleep you had to check on her to make sure she was ok, no sounds, she was a good baby. She was put on Soy formula, I am still kicking myself for allowing that to be given to her. I look back to what I did or did not do, did we cause this in some manner. BPD was never mentioned back then to even consider, ten years ago very little was mentioned , maybe a paragraph. I have discovered that my now deceased mother-in-law was BPD, she met the description to a tee. Back in her day she was told that she was High Strung with hormone in- balance disorder. She put her family through one tornado after another. I had no idea that her problem could be inherited.  Daughter's early warning sign was being overly sensitive in all manners, you just could not yell at her, and if there was dancing music being played loud she would pee in her pants, she learned to control that later on. The first big signs was in her teen years, starting around 14, 15 with dangerous behavior , sneaking out of house ending up in another city with kids older than she was. She enjoyed being on the edge of danger, we were or had to be Helicopter parents. She did not enjoy school, but did get a college degree,,, gifted , no.

[SaltyDawg]

The second is how articulate everyone’s posts are. It seems this forum draws high IQ people who are the parents of high IQ children.

I am a dude, not a mom, unless you count "Mr. Mom" 

I have made the same observation of "High IQ" -- I think that this should be made into a poll.

My uBPDw who is also uOCPDw was valedictorian, she got a full scholarship to college and was straight-A's there too.
My dANd [diagnosed Anorxia Nervosa daughter] who is also uOCPD is also valedictorian and will be graduating HS with a college degree.  Side Note:  I did notice all those kids (100%) who were in the same hospital ward as my daughter for AN were all brilliant.  Think of a room full of Mozarts that could fluently play any musical instrument, speak multiple languages, all straight-A's with honors -- it's nuts.
My S-11 has major anger management issues similar to a conventional uBPD, but also has straight-A's in school.
My brother with dADHD [may have been somthing else, as this was in the dark ages of mental health when the DSM-III was being used and not formally recognized by insurance companies], with substance abuse issues took the SAT's while intoxicated and scored 20 points shy of perfect with a 1580; whereas, I was sober, struggled after taking SAT prep classes and was slightly below minimum for a full scholarship, but I got it as an alternate.
I am the 'dumb one' with a B+ in high school [took honors classes], and a C+ in college with a full academic scholarship; however, this college consistently ranks between 10 and 20 as one of the toughest schools in the nation; so, hopefully I don't sound as a grandiose N - I too am 'above average' in intelligence.  I may also have some uOCPD, but have not yet been evaluated for it.

BPD is cluster "B" - deals with control issues, OCPD is cluster "C" - also deals with control issues, AN - a common co-morbidity of both BPD and OCPD is all about 'control'. 

If you read my other posts you will see I feel that you need to be your own advocate.  Even though BPD afflicts 6% +/- of the population by research, the actual number is around 1.4% who are actually diagnosed.  There are no pharmaceuticals that address it* so 'big pharma' doesn't want to deal with it; and, most T's don't want to deal with them [too difficult] and are 90% unproductive and a waste of resources.  So, we are pretty much f-'d. 

I am trying a highly unrecommended 'hail mary' to force 'self awareness' on to my uBPDw so that I can leverage her uOCPD into doing the right thing -- this is textbook on 'not what to do'.  I should not have to do this, as the professional T's should be doing this -- not me.  However, if I see something that is wrong, I am going to say something about it.  I am going to try and fix it, if it can't be fixed, then it is time to replace it.

*A new recent study published last month [September 2022] indicates that Botox, when used in an off-label manner, is an effective treatment for BPD and other anger management disorders.  I strongly suspect that this treatment works, as my FIL also had severe anger management issues [would break stuff when he got mad] and didn't after he was taking Botox for a different malady very close to where this bleeding edge research indicated these injections should be made (a few cm away).  Reference:  https://medicalxpress.com/news/2022-09-botox-emotions-brain.amp

Both of my wife's pregnancies were similar with only only minor variations.  No post partum depression.  There was gestational diabetes in one, but not the other.  One had preeclampsia, the other did not.  Both were C-Section.

[ladybird123]

My daughter's pregnancy was very stressful. I had major brain surgery when 6 months pregnant with her, went into early labour straight after the operation, which the doctors managed to halt, and I finally gave birth to her on the way to the operating room at full term with a cord prolapse. She was very blue when she was born and her scores not good for a while.   She had signs of ADD as a child. Acted up a lot and was very opinionated. Obsessed with collecting pets and completely besotted with hers. She wanted to run an animal rescue from home but I ended up having to do it cos it was too much like hard work for her.

On subject of difficult pregnancies,  my eldest had the same bad start when I was pregnant with him and is normal. Ditto my premature twins who show no signs of BPD as adults. Tho one has ADHD.

I also have a lactose intolerant daughter who is normal and all my kids are very bright and have degrees and masters.

She has a scientific degree, despite moving university twice during it due to various problems she caused herself. Holding down a job is another matter tho. I lay awake trying to work out why her? None of the others.  Just her. All grew up in the same home.  She never felt loved by me and that kills me tbh.   I do love her.  I just want her to be well. I've also had to set some tough boundaries she probably sees as me not loving her. However she was ripping me apart on a daily basis and undermining me at every turn to my younger kids, causing drama and lying. She is still undermining me but not in the same house.