Need some advice

[J.]

I have an adult daughter that I believe has BPD.  Not diagnosed just the only thing that fits her behavior.  I’m I. A difficult situation. My 19 year old granddaughter was dating a boy who my daughter does not approve of and lied to my daughter about it.  Facts are my D found out and took away my GD car and phone and according to GD she was threatened by her mom over the phone is she did not bring them back immediately. She called me in the middle of the night and asked if me or my husband ( her grandpa )would take them to her because she was afraid.   We did.  My daughter and her husband (not my GD’s dad)were sitting in the garage drunk.  This started my living hell for the last 6 weeks.  My D.’s stance is all over the place.  First she was mad because GD lied to her about dating the guy, then she was mad about GD not responding to her texts and phone calls.  That in my opinion were very mean, calling her every name in the book.  GD stance is she was controlled by her mom her entire life.  My D. told her even into high school who she could be friends with, who she could date, had to constantly check in via phone, etc. She went away to college last year and her opinion was she was still being controlled.  My D called her dozens of times a day, tracked her phone, did not allow her to break up with her boyfriend whom my D loved, would not let her change majors, threatened to come down and pull her out of school if she did.  GD called me sobbing afraid my daughter was on her way down.  So after the recent episode GD had no place to live and is staying with us for the last 6 or 7 weeks until college starts.  I am stuck right in the middle.  My D. has been difficult starting in her 20’s.  She’s 40 now.  I have been her “whipping post of most of those 20 years.  Having finally recognized thru this last turn of events realize she is mentally ill. And BPD describes her to a T.  I feel so stuck in the middle I’m at my wits end.  If I don’t do or say exactly what my D. wants as my reaction (which happened this morning) I’m to blame for every wrong decision my GD makes.  I do think think my GD is starting to make some bad choices.  I think she is doing the rebelling she was afraid to do at the appropriate age.  I feel like I should let her make her own decisions because it is her life and that’s how we learn, sometimes by mistakes.  I am trying to guide her with advice but also trying to let her make her own decisions regarding her life. I’m hanging on by a thread emotionally. Any thoughts would be appreciated. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

First, big hug. You've been through so much. It's going to be ok. Not now, and not for a while, but it's going to be ok.

I feel so stuck in the middle I’m at my wits end.  

I've felt this way too. There are things you can do to help yourself survive this season and we're here!

I do think think my GD is starting to make some bad choices.  I think she is doing the rebelling she was afraid to do at the appropriate age.  I feel like I should let her make her own decisions because it is her life and that’s how we learn, sometimes by mistakes. 

If your GD is 19 it's likely that she is ready to take some steps to be independent. I think it's ideal that she's chosen to live with you. She's safe. No kid her age makes all the right decisions.

Priority one - where can you find more support? You're dealing with some heavy family dynamics. You've joined us here and that's wonderful. Are you open to finding a therapist? Is there a support group in your area? Who are the friends you talk to about this? Would you like some book recommendations? In my experience, the more support avenues you take advantage of, the more likely you'll be successful in this season. 

Next step may be to untangle your relationship with your daughter so that you can see clearly enough to help your GD. It may start with setting boundaries with your daughter so that you have time to sort through some of your heavy feelings. How does that sound?

If you need something specific, don't hesitate to let us know how we can best help you. You're doing great, and you're going to get through this.

pj

[Sancho]

Hi J.
It certainly sounds as though BPD is a strong possibility. And you are in an awful position.

Can I ask whose car was it and who pays for the phone - the one D demanded back? The fact gd didn't want to take them back does indicate that there is a fear of her mum - probably of getting a tirade of abuse. Did you get abused when you took them back?

You are handling gd really well I think - putting responsibility on to her, but trying to point out where things may go wrong. It sounds as though D has been pretty controlling - not unusual for BPD!

The only way gd can step back from this control is becoming independent. Where I am 18 years is the point of adulthood - make own decisions etc - though many are still at home, studying and working etc at this age. But legally they are entitled to make their own decisions.

What is the age where you are?

Would it be possible to sit down with GD and work out a plan of increasing independence? Possible part time work? She clearly has  a driver's licence so that is a start. Perhaps starting with her own phone?

The interdependence can't be broken over night, but if there is a starting point and a plan, it might help gd to feel as though she will not have to deal with this forever.

In the meantime, your position is pretty difficult. If it were me I would concentrate on 'greystone rock' with D - not entering into any discussions with her, just validating when possible ('yes this is difficult for you' etc).

GD is at an important moment in her life - a time of transition - and how this goes over the next 2-3 years is really important for her future.

D is now 40 and there are no easy answers to the issues. Reading up on the skills of relating to someone with BPD is really helpful - as is coming here to know that you are not alone in dealing with this most difficult illness and its fallout for all those concerned.

Ps was D abusive when you took the things back?