Need advice on an exit plan—or trying one last time

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone. I’m at another fork in the road. The last three months have been forks-only, it feels like! I’d appreciate some feedback. The options are A, begin the divorce process, or B, take divorce off the table (in my mind, at least) for 6-12 months while my uBPDw works on herself.

I want to prioritize my happiness, but I also want to support uBPDw in overcoming the effect of her traits on her life—largely because we have a D3 who needs the best two parents she can get, whether or not they’re married.

Some background: I spent most of our relationship caving into her needs and demands and impulses. I was always in the wrong, always apologizing, always being berated. I got isolated. Then she had a major episode and I woke up to what was going on and discovered boundaries. Now, for the first time, she is acknowledging that she contributes substantially to our issues. She still backslides easily into blaming me, but she can have a pretty honest half-hour convo first. And she has a new therapist who started her on a DBT book after the first couple sessions. (This makes me think the person is onto a diagnosis already.)

Until this most recent turn of events, esp the DBT news, I was hatching an exit plan.

This would be Option A: I take D3 away for a week with my side of the family. After we are out of the house, I send uBPDw an email saying I want a divorce and hope we can proceed peacefully. She has a week to dysregulate and cool off, then I come back with D3. I can’t move out with D3, won’t move out without her, and can’t get uBPDw to move. So that stuff just has to run its course.

Option B is worlds away from that. We stay married, uBPDw works at it, we reassess honestly in some number of months. That sounds almost too functional to be true, and I’m having trouble believing in it. I am thinking about what boundaries I would need in such a situation—maybe sleeping in separate rooms, living our own lives a bit more, and having set “date nights” and probably also regular counseling together. Something like that? I don’t know. It feels so silly to expect a “therapeutic separation”-style agreement to work, because agreements of any kind have never worked.

I’m working hard not to let the fear of the divorce process influence my thinking here. I have a good-seeming L and know I would handle myself mostly OK. I’ve read “Splitting.”. It’s more about acting in such a way that in 10 years, either way, I’ll feel like I made most of the right choices.

There is no good way, but there must be a least bad way.

[flakjacket]

Hi everyone. I’m at another fork in the road. The last three months have been forks-only, it feels like! I’d appreciate some feedback. The options are A, begin the divorce process, or B, take divorce off the table (in my mind, at least) for 6-12 months while my uBPDw works on herself.

I want to prioritize my happiness, but I also want to support uBPDw in overcoming the effect of her traits on her life—largely because we have a D3 who needs the best two parents she can get, whether or not they’re married.

Some background: I spent most of our relationship caving into her needs and demands and impulses. I was always in the wrong, always apologizing, always being berated. I got isolated. Then she had a major episode and I woke up to what was going on and discovered boundaries. Now, for the first time, she is acknowledging that she contributes substantially to our issues. She still backslides easily into blaming me, but she can have a pretty honest half-hour convo first. And she has a new therapist who started her on a DBT book after the first couple sessions. (This makes me think the person is onto a diagnosis already.)

Until this most recent turn of events, esp the DBT news, I was hatching an exit plan.

This would be Option A: I take D3 away for a week with my side of the family. After we are out of the house, I send uBPDw an email saying I want a divorce and hope we can proceed peacefully. She has a week to dysregulate and cool off, then I come back with D3. I can’t move out with D3, won’t move out without her, and can’t get uBPDw to move. So that stuff just has to run its course.

Option B is worlds away from that. We stay married, uBPDw works at it, we reassess honestly in some number of months. That sounds almost too functional to be true, and I’m having trouble believing in it. I am thinking about what boundaries I would need in such a situation—maybe sleeping in separate rooms, living our own lives a bit more, and having set “date nights” and probably also regular counseling together. Something like that? I don’t know. It feels so silly to expect a “therapeutic separation”-style agreement to work, because agreements of any kind have never worked.

I’m working hard not to let the fear of the divorce process influence my thinking here. I have a good-seeming L and know I would handle myself mostly OK. I’ve read “Splitting.”. It’s more about acting in such a way that in 10 years, either way, I’ll feel like I made most of the right choices.

There is no good way, but there must be a least bad way.

[orders4946]

I'm jumping on this thread to let you know you are not alone - I am in the exact same predicament (although I have two children S3 and S1).

Have you read the book Too Good To leave Too Bad To Stay?  I found it helpful to apply some logic and structure to my thought process. 

How does your Wife treat your Daughter?  is there a risk of harm to her if you are not living in the house?

[flakjacket]

Thanks for that recommendation; I’ll check it out.

My wife is a great mom when she’s not dysregulated. Super fun and energetic. There’s some enmeshment there for sure, but it seems like things are trending better than they were in that respect. When she is dysregulated, D3 is exposed to inappropriate emotion and comments, but never any immediate danger. I can imagine longer-term emotional harms cropping up if my wife doesn’t stay in therapy.

[GaGrl]

How seriously is your wife approaching the DBT work?

[flakjacket]

That’s tough to answer. If I left tomorrow, she might dump her new T and abandon the DBT.. I think she senses it could help her but also knows now that it gives me hope. But if she did the DBT for a few months, six months… maybe it would stick, whether I stayed or not? I know this is all codependent thinking, but I am also considering D3’s emotional future with her mom. I want her mom to have these tools regardless. I realize it’s entirely her choice to accept them.

She literally started yesterday. I am giving it at least a few days before I really think about a next move. Could blow up all on its own. I will keep gently asking about it and being open to hearing her talk about it.

[kells76]

She literally started yesterday. I am giving it at least a few days before I really think about a next move. Could blow up all on its own. I will keep gently asking about it and being open to hearing her talk about it.

It will likely take more than a few days, if she is invested in DBT, for there to be new information for you to work with. How she feels about DBT right at the start is probably not the best gauge for long term stuff.

Of course, if you are leaning towards YOU needing to make a decision in the next few days, then maybe have that be independent of how DBT is going for her. DBT isn't a fast thing. If you're connecting any part of your decision making to how DBT goes, yeah, worth it to reassess your timeline and slow things down on your end.

Another thought -- even the gentlest "asking about it" may not have the effect you hope for. pwPBD can have an extra sensitive radar for situations where they feel like there's an agenda or something that seems like manipulation/control, whether that's intended or not.

She may (rightly or not) feel like when you "gently ask" about DBT, you're not really interested in how DBT is going, you want something else. And she may react bigly to that.

So, you can think about trying instead "following her lead" on DBT conversations. If she brings it up, it makes a ton of sense to stay "gentle" in that conversation and try some of the tools you've heard about here (not being invalidating, avoiding JADE, just listening, etc). I'd maybe, at first, steer away from "bringing it up" yourself. Give both of you some time and breathing room to see how she does on her own with talking about it.

This is all still really fresh so it's OK to slow the timeline.

Hope that's helpful;

kells76

[NonnyMouse]

Be careful with Option A, could be interpreted as kidnapping! You make it sound quite sensible but your w is unlikely to act according to your plans and it will get used in court against you.

Option B sounds like a good  place to be in, but as others have said don't assume that there'll be any rational thinking in the short term. Just keep using the Tools and don't rush things.

[maxsterling]

I think all of us hope for a situation where we can just agree to divorce, and that there are resources for one parent to move out and decisions regarding kids can be made in the child's best interest.  When dealing with BPD, you know 100% that won't happen. 

For me, the first thing I have to come to grips with is if I am OK with divorce.  I have come to that place, and that makes boundaries a bit easier.  If I enforce a boundary and she packs up and leaves, I know I will be okay and know I will manage.  Things regarding the kids may actually get easier because I know I will have the kids at least half the time, and if she tries to manipulate that situation more, I know what to do, or at the very least I know I will have space to take action. 

My hope was that me enforcing a boundary that we can't improve our living situation unless we get additional income led my W to explore going back to work.  I had hopes that she would take a job, earn income, and then just decide to move out on her own.  Instead, she refused the job, so now I am back in the position of holding my boundary and doing what I can to take care of myself.   Again, it is very important that I recognize that I can choose to divorce, but I cannot choose to "fix" the marriage.  She can claim that things are 50/50 all she wants, but I am smart enough to recognize abuse and that I am in no way the cause for the way that she treats me. 

That said - I think it would be wise to have an exit plan or plans in the back of your head.  Think about the steps you need to take.  Others have mentioned issues with "Plan A", and I agree.  That would come as a shock to her, and her reaction could be very ugly.  If there is no urgency here, I suggest enforcing boundaries and see where things go. 

[flakjacket]

Thanks for the good advice, everyone. It seems smart not to put pressure on her by asking about the therapy—to just let it emerge naturally.

And for the record, she’d have advance notice that I was doing this trip with D3, where I was going, when I was returning, etc.! But I understand it’d still hit very hard.

[ForeverDad]

Just a question here... how many "one last time" ponderings have there been?  I think there lies your answer.

Overall, it is also possible that her most recent encounter with therapy might work.  But it would be at least months and could turn into years before you would be confident she has truly recovered.

There is a wide range to disorderedness ... some have intense behaviors and other less so.  Only you can observe and decide whether any improvements are real, lasting and sufficient to continue with the marriage.

[flakjacket]

This would be our first time trying this way—i.e., with her understanding that SHE needs to make changes if she wants our marriage to continue. The shoe has been on the other foot a zillion times, of course.

So it comes down to whether this is a genuine change or a strategy she thinks will pull me back from the brink. Or both.

I also am not sure, frankly, that I have the energy to be Mr. No-JADE Encouragement for as long as this is going to take her. My feeling of hurt from the years she refused to hear what I was saying is expressing itself as impatience. And I realize we will need to do soo much deprogramming/reprogramming of our past if we ever hope to be on the same page. And we might end up discovering we can’t ever be on the same page.

If we didn’t have D3 I would definitely move out for a few months at least. I am so tired of the chaos.