How can I help my wife- SD undiagnosed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Forgive me as I pad this first message out with thumbs at 1am. We are in the process of setting up a full work up to see if my 16-year-old stepdaughter has BPD.

Based on everything that I have read online… I think she does. My wife and I think she does. She has a history of cutting. She has extreme mood swings. She has a history of deep strong relationships and then cutting them off. She isolates. And she has run back-and-forth between her parents— Always claiming deep and profound Failures, neglect, abuse…

As of today she is now living full-time with her father. He is my spouses ex. Unfortunately in this case she has full authority and autonomy to go back-and-forth as she pleases. This is because we went through great lengths and attorneys to establish a custody schedule if it allowed her to stay at our place full-time except when she decides with her father to stay at his place. We thought we were protecting her. But now we’ve found ourselves in a situation where we have to legally allow her to stay with him as long as he is OK with this.

Unfortunately we don’t have a good relationship with the ex so coparenting productively is out of the question.

Unfortunately I have  ADHD. I am loud. I live big in the world. And my poor stepdaughter who is struggling so much with conflict and all the bigness… Well it’s a lot.

For the first time in our eight years together I’m not the bad guy. She has had a falling out with her mother, my wife, and refuses to spend time, Stay with us, and even save herself two hours of sleep in the morning by refusing a ride to school even from her mom. (Her bus picks her up at 5:40am and school starts at 8:15).

Of course I’m worried about my stepdaughter. We all are. We are in a holding zone waiting for doctors to address and assist. But in the meantime my wife is slowly slipping into a deep and dark depression. She’s trying to manage and do the best she can with reading to be supportive and reach out without putting pressure. But my wife is also losing all of the happiness and drive in her own existence.

I’m at a loss. I want to be a good stepmom. And be there for my daughter. But I’m still worried about my wife.  I worry about our relationship and the potential blame? Role I’ve played in making things worse? Our relationship… I want to be supportive. Any advice you can give based on your experiences or reading or therapy or anything would help.

Thank you. And I wish the best for all of you on your own journey.

[Macdoodle]

Forgive me as I pad this first message out with thumbs at 1am. We are in the process of setting up a full work up to see if my 16-year-old stepdaughter has BPD.

Based on everything that I have read online… I think she does. My wife and I think she does. She has a history of cutting. She has extreme mood swings. She has a history of deep strong relationships and then cutting them off. She isolates. And she has run back-and-forth between her parents— Always claiming deep and profound Failures, neglect, abuse…

As of today she is now living full-time with her father. He is my spouses ex. Unfortunately in this case she has full authority and autonomy to go back-and-forth as she pleases. This is because we went through great lengths and attorneys to establish a custody schedule if it allowed her to stay at our place full-time except when she decides with her father to stay at his place. We thought we were protecting her. But now we’ve found ourselves in a situation where we have to legally allow her to stay with him as long as he is OK with this.

Unfortunately we don’t have a good relationship with the ex so coparenting productively is out of the question.

Unfortunately I have  ADHD. I am loud. I live big in the world. And my poor stepdaughter who is struggling so much with conflict and all the bigness… Well it’s a lot.

For the first time in our eight years together I’m not the bad guy. She has had a falling out with her mother, my wife, and refuses to spend time, Stay with us, and even save herself two hours of sleep in the morning by refusing a ride to school even from her mom. (Her bus picks her up at 5:40am and school starts at 8:15).

Of course I’m worried about my stepdaughter. We all are. We are in a holding zone waiting for doctors to address and assist. But in the meantime my wife is slowly slipping into a deep and dark depression. She’s trying to manage and do the best she can with reading to be supportive and reach out without putting pressure. But my wife is also losing all of the happiness and drive in her own existence.

I’m at a loss. I want to be a good stepmom. And be there for my daughter. But I’m still worried about my wife.  I worry about our relationship and the potential blame? Role I’ve played in making things worse? Our relationship… I want to be supportive. Any advice you can give based on your experiences or reading or therapy or anything would help.

Thank you. And I wish the best for all of you on your own journey.

[kells76]

Hi Macdoodle, welcome -- just wanted you to know I saw your post.

Couple of questions -- I'm guessing your SD16's mom is legally able to move forward with the evaluation even if Dad doesn't agree?

Also, are you or your W (or both) getting any counseling of your own? When there's a family member with BPD type traits/behaviors, even without a diagnosis, it's so exhausting and can be traumatic.

It's good that you're open to looking at if/how you may have contributed to the challenging family dynamics. One phrase you'll hear around here is "when we know better, we do better" -- you just don't know what you don't know, but once you know it, you can make changes. Another saying is "how can we make it less worse" (or "how to stop the bleeding"). Basically, it's the idea that we want things to get better, but before we can make things better, we have to stop contributing to making things worse. A lot of times, we can "make things worse" or "fuel the fire" inadvertently. I know I did in the past. It's OK to learn and try new things that can help, and move forward.

Have you heard of "Family Connections"? It's a free class through NEA-BPD for those with family members with BPD (or BPD type traits). It offers support, education, and skillbuilding -- could be a big help to your family. Here's the link:

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/

Come back whenever works for you and let us know how the evaluation process is going, and how you guys are doing.

-kells76

[ThanksForPlaying]

As kells says, even without a diagnosis, the things you mention can be exhausting, but ALSO the tools here can help, even without a diagnosis.

Regardless of what the diagnosis says, you still have mood swings, silent treatment, and self-harm to deal with. You're on the right track reaching out here and learning as much as you can about tools and methods for dealing with this stuff.

What is your relationship like with your wife? Has it been an emotionally charged relationship between the two of you? How long have you been together?

Hang in there - you're in the right place

[ForeverDad]

We are in the process of setting up a full work up to see if my 16-year-old stepdaughter has BPD.

She has a history of cutting. She has extreme mood swings. She has a history of deep strong relationships and then cutting them off. She isolates. And she has run back-and-forth between her parents— Always claiming deep and profound Failures, neglect, abuse…

As of today she is now living full-time with her father.

She is young, and many professionals have been reluctant to diagnose minors since teens can display a variety of behaviors that can turn out to be just some extremes of youth.

On the other hand, these behaviors can't be ignored with hope-ium and wishing.  So it is good efforts have started to bring in some professionals.  Be aware that without SD16's cooperation the results may be limited.  But better to start while parental authority means something, because when she turns 18 she probably will be in control of her own life, for better or for worse.  Then your only leverage left may be to withhold or grant financial aid based on how cooperative she is.

[Macdoodle]

I’m so filled with gratitude for the acceptance and advice shared here. I had stopped checking in after a couple days and assumed we were all so engulfed in our dramatic lives that others may not have the capacity or bandwidth to respond. Thank you.

Honestly, I had shared a note from my phone where I had begun saving sage advice and reading and it included a link to this post. I shared this notepad with my wife because things have both escalated … or stayed the same … she read it and was touched by the post and by your empathetic, thoughtful, and seasoned advice.

I will take note of tools offered here.

My SD now 17 is still undiagnosed. However, we have gotten the diagnosis of ADD. I recognize that ADD symptoms can be among those with BPD and also can contribute. And of course… teens and hormones and a growing up between two homes where the parents are not functional with parenting as a unit.

One person asked about the dynamic with my W. We are strong. But we have absolutely had conflict and have sought counseling together and for ourselves. At this moment we are both counseling separately and exchanging notes. It has helped. I’m also learning to be less reactive. I’ve found that it helps with SD17 to check in and ask her what is going on physically when/if we are together. But she is still with her dad most of the time.

I will discuss again with my W about getting a full work up to see if we can An actual diagnosis. But I have found the advice here to help and—even if I’m doing arm chair psychology—it helps me check myself and just be more compassionate.

Thank you all. May the odds be forever in your favor on your own journeys. You have been a light on my path and my heart is cracked open with humiliation and appreciation.