Undiagnosed Daughter-in-Law

[GrandmaS]

I am sure  my DIL has BPD. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (and maybe other things), but no medications have helped and she meets all the criteria in the DSM for BPD.

My son dated her for a few months, and he told me and several people that she was moving too fast for him. People who knew her all had very negative reactions when we told them who he was dating. I assumed that was because she had been a little "wild" in her early 20's. Well, she quickly got pregnant and they were married 4 days after they announced they were having a baby.  The day after the wedding, she sent me a very long message telling me she thought I was judging her and that she knew I didn't want my son to marry her. She made up some stuff about me criticizing her family, etc. She said she couldn't handle the stress of being around someone like me.  I wrote a very long apology, and the cycle began.

We weren't allowed to see our grandson until he was 6 months old. Our son was trying to stand up for us (mostly me) and telling her we were good people, very supportive, etc. They asked to meet me in a coffee shop to talk, and my son tried to explain what she wanted from me. I apologized again for the hurt I had caused her (mostly my reaction when they told us they were pregnant). I left feeling better, and we were allowed to be around them again. .

This exact same thing has happened numerous times over the past 7 years and 2 more children. Angry messages and texts, meetings where I apologized and agreed to change.   I missed the first year or so of the first 2 grandchildren because of this. The 3rd baby arrived, and I was asked to babysit a lot. After one blow up, we had a "meeting". The DIL wanted more consistency so I agreed to babysit every Tuesday and to come over every Saturday so they could get work done without interruptions from the kids. I enjoyed the kids, but she started asking me to come more and more. I was constantly scared to trigger her, so I went when she asked.

The final straw was when my husband and I planned a trip to see our other son and grandkids in Texas. Our DIL is very jealous of any time we spend with out other grandchildren, though they live in Texas and we see them only twice a year. She says they are our favorites. She sent message after message about how we are not supportive, don't care about the mental health of their kids and our son. We ought to be "ashamed or ourselves" and lots of curse words. I tired to validate her feelings, tell he we care about her and the kids, and we are definitely on her side. Everything I said just escalated the situation, so I told her I would not respond anymore because I didn't know how to make things better.

As you can imagine, that triggered her fear of abandonment. She said we would no longer be able to see the kids. She blocked my entire family on Facebook, so I can't even see pictures on my grandkids anymore. We have been able to email our son, but he doesn't know what to do. I believe he is in survival mode. He has planned to come see us alone twice, but has had to cancel with really lame excuses.

I don't want to have any relationship with her anymore. She has been emotionally abusive to me. I understand it is her mental illness, but I just can't do it anymore. I know my son is being emotionally abused and isolated from his friends and family.

I want to have a relationship with my son. I would love to see my grandkids. We were very close, and I just disappeared from their lives. It hurts so much to wonder what they must be thinking.

I started seeing a counselor somewhere in one of the cycles because of the angry messages and how traumatized I felt when she did it. 

I get so much help from reading stories from other people who have had similar situations. That is how I found this forum.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Grandma S, and welcome to our forum of fellow walkers in this hurtful journey. Do you feel that your counselor has given you support and useful tools in this? Is your counselling on an ongoing basis?

[GrandmaS]

Still Water,

I have been seeing my counselor for just over a year now, and she has been very helpful. After I described to her what was going on, she said she thought my DIL had bpd. That's when I started researching it. Learning about bpd has helped me understand her so much. The counselor has helped me to see my part in allowing the emotional abuse to continue. I just thought if I loved her enough, she would accept me. I have always gotten along well with people. I have never met anyone like her before, and I am 62!

I miss my grandchildren more than you can imagine, but I cannot continue being emotionally abused. I just pray someday I will be able to reconnect with my son and the kids.

I would recommend counseling for anyone dealing with a person with bpd-- preferably one who understands bpd. It wasn't in my budget, but I decided my mental health was worth spending the money.

[Confusion8]

Depression and anxiety is a very common mis diagnoses, personality disorders are hard to diagnose.

First, I completely understand the notion of moving too fast for those who aren’t neurodiverse.

The thing with BPD as a fellow sufferer is that we experience emotional on a much extreme level then the average person so what seem like a short amount of time, we fall in love in a very short space of time.

I can’t comment on your individual case however I know I struggle with a sense of belonging and acceptance. So perhaps the reactions you have got is complete fear that you will say to your son she is not good enough unraveling her whole world which is terrifying and the comments you have had is only a reaction of fear. In this case I always ask how would you approach someone incomplete fear?

As hard as it may be to say I feel that they may need to hear and feel from you the I understand and validate your opinion, but I want you to know I love and care about you and the family you have. I just want to be part of there life like you want to take care of your family.

The flip side is craving your love and acceptance. So when you say you are seeing other grandchildren panic can set in so perhaps you could phrase things slightly differently. I miss you and the children very much, this week I’m going to visit XYZ but I hope to see you soon

I know it may seem extreme but I can only reiterate  that we live in a state of feat of abandonment  all the time so sometimes go to extremes to cut people off so they can’t abandon use first.

Just a random thought from a fellow sufferer. Wishing you and your family all this best

[GrandmaS]

Confusion8,

     Thank you so much for your reply.  You are 100% correct.  My DIL told me she thought we didn't think she was good enough for our son. In fact, she has said it more than once, and it breaks my heart. I told her the first time that if my son chose her, then I choose her too! I have tried to show her love and acceptance the best I know how, but she can't feel it. I think you are right about the other grandkids. I think maybe we could have handled it in a different way--like making a big deal about how much we would miss them all and that we would see them on a specific day when we got back.  My DIL would just start raging as soon as she found out we were going, so there was not any good back and forth communication. If we are ever back in their lives we will certainly try that.

     It is great to hear your perspective, and I wish no one had to suffer with BPD. I can't even imagine what it would be like. I wish you peace and happiness!

[livednlearned]

I don't want to have any relationship with her anymore. She has been emotionally abusive to me. I understand it is her mental illness, but I just can't do it anymore. I know my son is being emotionally abused and isolated from his friends and family.

Hi GrandmaS, it's good that you're prioritizing your health and well-being, and making sure you're no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally abused. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to not be hurt by these extreme responses. It's essential to fill your cup and know how to refill it if there is spillage.

My only advice is to allow each day to unfold anew without deciding on a definitive end state. You are building strength, gaining skills, becoming a different person as you learn and grow and understand more about BPD. You are changing. You are hurt now, and may become less so over time. By then you may have a whole quiver of skills at your fingertips, things you can practice with all relationships.

I don't know if you're a reader, but the book Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr were immensely helpful. As was the memoir Buddha and the Borderline. From those books I learned to make sense of BPD and picked up some good skills that have enriched all of my relationships for the better. In the early days, I probably over validated my step daughter, and had to then over correct with boundaries. That was a tougher road for me because I was raised to be a peace maker and people pleaser. And having set a precedent for our relationship, it was tricky to change things after the fact.

My ex husband also had BPD, which I didn't know at the time. His estranged parents were very reactive to him, as were mine. As a result, I didn't see them much, never met his parents, and my son didn't have grandparents growing up.

If your cup is full, the skills flow with a little less effort (but always effort). The important thing is to make sure your cup is full.

In the meantime, I would be kind to yourself and look at this as a cooling off period. Send gifts or notes with light, loving messages on their birthdays and holidays. Let them know there is always a path back.

You may have an on/off/on/off relationship because of her BPD traits. That is something to mourn, there's no doubt about it.

It's also very tough to be fully estranged.

With pwBPD in my life, I take many time outs and regroup. I have a much more rigid, structured way of engaging, and I radically accept what the relationship entails. My boundaries are more clear to me, and so they are clearer to others. I try to be light as a fairy and give myself time to recover.

It may be different for you and it's ok to take a break and feel grief. There is much to grieve when someone is in such pain and doesn't have the skills to manage that pain effectively.

I hope you feel strength in your decision to focus on what's best for you. Without that, she will treat you the way she treats herself, and that's not fair to the wonderful person you are.   

[GrandmaS]

Thank you livednlearned. I am a reader and recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger. I will get those books you recommended. I, too, have always been a people pleaser. I tend to get along with everybody, so when this daughter-in-law came into my life, I was completely thrown. What had worked for me for my entire adult life did not work.

She couldn't receive these things:

Showing an interest in her and what she likes.
Sharing encouraging words on a regular basis.
Never giving unsolicited advice.
Speaking with respect.
Showing love the best I could.
Giving thoughtful gifts--things related to what she likes.
Showering love on the children (super easy for a grandma to do)
Being there for her when she needs me.

Her uBPD blocked all of this. It is a cruel personality disorder to the person who has it and those around them.