I messed up, but now I'm doubting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I messed up bad and ruined her trust. But the thing is that trust was never there to begin with, though she claims it was getting better. Any alert on my phone was immediately met with "Who's that?"

We're going to therapy tomorrow (her therapist offered to see us boath and be neutral, we'll see). Some part of me wants to hang on because the good is good, but it's been far and few between. She doesn't clean, she's always broke from ordering restaurant food, barely takes care of her pets, leaves a mess and trash everywhere, I supported her for 2 years while she was unemployed, I sunk myself into debt trying to help us, I even helped with her homework and schoolwork even doing some of it, and all I'd get is snapped at for some slight. But what's worse is my memory is awful, so I'd be informed that I was wrong or mistaken, and now I'm doubting everything. And I know gaslighting is a thing but that's a big accusation to make.

And I'm not perfect, I could have shown affection better, done other things better. But it also felt like what I did do was never, ever enough. The requests and demands were just ever increasing. Anyone else feel like this or been through this? I guess I just need support.

[salvyrn]

I messed up bad and ruined her trust. But the thing is that trust was never there to begin with, though she claims it was getting better. Any alert on my phone was immediately met with "Who's that?"

We're going to therapy tomorrow (her therapist offered to see us boath and be neutral, we'll see). Some part of me wants to hang on because the good is good, but it's been far and few between. She doesn't clean, she's always broke from ordering restaurant food, barely takes care of her pets, leaves a mess and trash everywhere, I supported her for 2 years while she was unemployed, I sunk myself into debt trying to help us, I even helped with her homework and schoolwork even doing some of it, and all I'd get is snapped at for some slight. But what's worse is my memory is awful, so I'd be informed that I was wrong or mistaken, and now I'm doubting everything. And I know gaslighting is a thing but that's a big accusation to make.

And I'm not perfect, I could have shown affection better, done other things better. But it also felt like what I did do was never, ever enough. The requests and demands were just ever increasing. Anyone else feel like this or been through this? I guess I just need support.

[Cat Familiar]

I messed up bad and ruined her trust.

How so?

Some part of me wants to hang on because the good is good, but it's been far and few between.

Are you familiar with the concept of intermittent reinforcement? https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/11/this-powerful-manipulation-method-keeps-you-bonded-to-your-abuser/

She doesn't clean, she's always broke from ordering restaurant food, barely takes care of her pets, leaves a mess and trash everywhere, I supported her for 2 years while she was unemployed, I sunk myself into debt trying to help us, I even helped with her homework and schoolwork even doing some of it, and all I'd get is snapped at for some slight.

How do you feel about living this way? What would you do differently in the future?

But what's worse is my memory is awful, so I'd be informed that I was wrong or mistaken, and now I'm doubting everything.

How do you know your memory is “awful”? Did someone tell you that or did you come to your own conclusion? And if it is, do you think it may be due to stress?

it also felt like what I did do was never, ever enough. The requests and demands were just ever increasing.

Have you heard the term “narcissistic supply”?

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-supply/

[salvyrn]

I had an emotional affair. I'm ashamed of it but it happened. Her reaction was screaming, crying, throwing my phone, spitting on me, calling me stupid, retarded, a piece of s*** etc. She said she wanted me to 'feel the hurt I caused her.'

I'm not familiar with intermitten reinforcement or narcissistic supply, but I'll be looking into them, thank you for the information.

I hate living this way. I'm anxious, depressed, gaining weight, broke, have no friends. God this is worse than I thought. I'd try to clean more but I'm frustrated that I'm the only one noticing and doing anything about it.

My memory has always been kind of troublesome, I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and have a short attention span and can get distracted. She'd usually expect me to remember something specific and claim that I was told about it at some random point. Of course, I don't recall these conversations half the time.

[ForeverDad]

I have and so have others.  Our number here is legion (=many).

In the final years of my marriage I too was accused of virtual or emotional affairs.  "You looked at women!"  On this board I sometimes compared the ridiculous accusations to waiting at a stoplight and accused of looking at an old lady in the crosswalk.  I don't remember whether it actually happened.  But I feel it did.  When living with constant emotional stress the mind blocks the memory details over time.

I messed up bad and ruined her trust. But the thing is that trust was never there to begin with, though she claims it was getting better.

We're going to therapy tomorrow (her therapist offered to see us both and be neutral, we'll see).

This could be good.  All her therapist has seen until now is her.  This is an opportunity for you to demonstrate you are reasonably normal, though under stress.  Can you do that?  Be reasonably normal?

Be prepared that your GF may turn this session into a "blamefest" where you are cast as the Problem Person.  You are not!

She is only your GF, not a spouse.  Either one of you can end the relationship.  In less than two years this relationship has turned a reasonably normal man into an upside down life.  "And my finances are a wreck now. I had 10k in savings and little debt at the start. Now it’s 4k in savings and 5k in credit card debt... I had to tell her to stop using my card for doordash and instacard because she racked up $800.00 just in January alone. She always says she'll pay me back but..."

Based upon that she would be classified as a "User, loser and abuser".  Retired psychiatrist Joe Carver has this handout, read the first linked article at his site:

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

You're worried that making accusations will just get turned around and aimed at you.  That's very possible.  After two years she has made little improvement, if any.  At least not enough.  She may never improve sufficient to make it a healthy relationship.

You can always cancel her card that is on your credit card account.  If she's just using your account number, you can ask for a new card number.

Have you pondered this... Walk away from the entire relationship and give yourself time to recover?

[salvyrn]

ForeverDad your post is really eye opening. I'll probably be a little nervous tomorrow but after everything I just feel like I'm done. I spent time writing down feelings and thoughts and how I felt about certain instances and so on just so I have a reference. Shoot I just realized I basically have no friends now besides my best friend hundreds of miles away who she's now friends with too.

Hard part is we're living together now and of course there's the question of who's staying/going (I can afford to stay, barely, she can't). So it may get messy. I've begun to finally recognize how unhealthy this is, ironically after she told her therapist about the affair and was given a chart that shows healthy-unhealthy-abusive. Honestly I am worried about what happens if I pull the trigger. And I'm a people pleaser and she pushes my boundaries so that's a concern too wherein I'll say how done I am and somehow I'll be convinced to keep going.

[salvyrn]

Just an update if anyone is following or curious.

We had a serious discussion about staying together or breaking up, and we're going to give it a little more time to see if we both put in effort. She admitted fault and apologized for a lot of her issues, and while that sounds great I'm still weary. I know so far the main consensus has been 'run and don't look back,' especially with debt and verbal abuse, but she does have legitimately want to work on it.

So we had the session and it was fine for the most part, the main focus was getting me to understand her trauma and how it affects her, our communication and steps to make it more affective, and steps to prevent it from getting out of hand as well as positive affirmations and all that. The therapist was great and was very neutral and even had my back on a few things (How her blowing up on me for something random made me confused legitimately, her thinking I grunted when I actually said something for example.)

I'm supposed to speak up when something she does or says bugs me, but normally I shrug off most things. I also am very laid back and have anhedonia so feeling bothered doesn't happen all too much. We got to talking about changes later on and I mentioned our diet sucks. It's all fast food or restaurant food or frozen things with no cooking and it's too expensive. Somehow it got onto food we each make and she said she doesn't like the food I make because it's too simple and easy and I haven't actually cooked all that much and I only made one dish or something. Anyways, main point is I brought up a change I'd like, somehow it devolves into putting down my efforts, so that bugged me.

Then later on she mentioned she wished I would have spoken more during therapy even though I talked when spoken to or asked a question or gave input. I talked as much as I thought was necessary, and the main focus was her anger and lashing out. Then she mentioned she wished we talked about why I did the affair and while that is important, but the therapist didn't ask and she led the session, I figured the professional knows this whole thing better than us.

I don't know, I feel like while she wants this to work and wants me to speak up when I'm bothered it all seems to be focused on her and her emotions and wants and needs. I want this to work too but there's this nagging feeling I can't shake.