‘You did this to yourself’

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

‘You did this to yourself..’ she said. That’s an understatement.
Haven’t posted in awhile and it is of no surprise here I am again. The latest goes like this in a nutshell:
 January pwBPD interviews for job out of state (near her family). February we discuss starting a family and eventually heading in that direction to raise a child together. March we learn we are pregnant and we discuss what to do next. We decide :we have a lease until October why not start working our way toward her family in steps. Visit, work on proposed house and also enjoy some of the summer on the West Coast where we live. Agreed she says. An hour later she says:”well I called and took the job and we are moving May 1st” I explain what about our lease?what my about my business and jobs lined up? Quickly when I see how together her moving plan is I realize and ask ‘when did you accept this job?’ The answer: January when she interviewed.  I immediately feel panicked as obviously withholding this information lead to the decisions later made: a daughter on the way. The answer whenever this topic is brought up: well she did what was best for the baby. We agree then I will take care of our affairs here and relicate closer to the end of the lease. Throughout the last few months it started positive but a lot of how much I’m disappointing everyone by not having moved yet. We discuss options of when but I keep reminding her the lease etc.
 I’ve never been to the place she wants us to move. Have no supports there, job lined up, and the only supports in place would be her family. Naturally I’m apprehensive about this situation and realize that someone making a big life decision for me such as this is abusive. Well I hope for the best and throughout the last few months it’s been a rollercoaster. She is hesitant to end conversations with ‘I love you’. There is constant gaslighting. Periods of stonewalling followed by promises to get therapy and help. Though when I ask if she has found a therapist I’m told that’s my job.
 Here we are and the lease is up in a month so I tell her we are all set to move and she responds : oh you are still moving? .The next day she says :”I don’t want to make you mad by my mother suggested how about coming for a few weeks and see if this is a good fit for you here?’ Never mind that I will have forfeited my lease, left with no way of earning money in that time, etc. I explain I’m upset as the choices thrown at me don’t seem to include any consideration for my position and decisions that I must make. The next phone calls are up and down: how come I’m not supportive. She really wants us to have a better relationship but not sure how. Anytime she calls the conversations always start with, ‘I’m about to nap’ or ‘I’m feeling really sick’ and thus we don’t get anywhere since she quickly stops the conversation from going through and leaves all issues unresolved’  She then says it’s probably best we just go our separate ways and she will get through the birthing process and then visit with the child in a couple of months. I vent my frustration with this as clearly there is no consideration for my feelings regarding my first child about to be born and it undermines my role and beginning of a relationship with my child. She says again, ‘I want to better this but don’t know how’ and by now I feel exhausted from the constant emotional abuse and gaslighting. When she calls yesterday she starts by telling me how sick she is, hasn’t been sleeping etc. I respond saying I don’t know what to say considering everything she has said and done and I respond that this is abusive and wrong and she has put me in a very tough situation as I made plans for people to move in and continue the rental when I leave. Well her decision to say that now it’s too late for me to move there and I did this to myself….
 So now I’m thinking lawyer time. A friend said there is actually some fraud involved here being she didn’t inform me she had taken the job when she did but I don’t know. I appreciate any thoughts and /or advice but I think consulting a lawyer may be my best option.

[Firsttimefather]

‘You did this to yourself..’ she said. That’s an understatement.
Haven’t posted in awhile and it is of no surprise here I am again. The latest goes like this in a nutshell:
 January pwBPD interviews for job out of state (near her family). February we discuss starting a family and eventually heading in that direction to raise a child together. March we learn we are pregnant and we discuss what to do next. We decide :we have a lease until October why not start working our way toward her family in steps. Visit, work on proposed house and also enjoy some of the summer on the West Coast where we live. Agreed she says. An hour later she says:”well I called and took the job and we are moving May 1st” I explain what about our lease?what my about my business and jobs lined up? Quickly when I see how together her moving plan is I realize and ask ‘when did you accept this job?’ The answer: January when she interviewed.  I immediately feel panicked as obviously withholding this information lead to the decisions later made: a daughter on the way. The answer whenever this topic is brought up: well she did what was best for the baby. We agree then I will take care of our affairs here and relicate closer to the end of the lease. Throughout the last few months it started positive but a lot of how much I’m disappointing everyone by not having moved yet. We discuss options of when but I keep reminding her the lease etc.
 I’ve never been to the place she wants us to move. Have no supports there, job lined up, and the only supports in place would be her family. Naturally I’m apprehensive about this situation and realize that someone making a big life decision for me such as this is abusive. Well I hope for the best and throughout the last few months it’s been a rollercoaster. She is hesitant to end conversations with ‘I love you’. There is constant gaslighting. Periods of stonewalling followed by promises to get therapy and help. Though when I ask if she has found a therapist I’m told that’s my job.
 Here we are and the lease is up in a month so I tell her we are all set to move and she responds : oh you are still moving? .The next day she says :”I don’t want to make you mad by my mother suggested how about coming for a few weeks and see if this is a good fit for you here?’ Never mind that I will have forfeited my lease, left with no way of earning money in that time, etc. I explain I’m upset as the choices thrown at me don’t seem to include any consideration for my position and decisions that I must make. The next phone calls are up and down: how come I’m not supportive. She really wants us to have a better relationship but not sure how. Anytime she calls the conversations always start with, ‘I’m about to nap’ or ‘I’m feeling really sick’ and thus we don’t get anywhere since she quickly stops the conversation from going through and leaves all issues unresolved’  She then says it’s probably best we just go our separate ways and she will get through the birthing process and then visit with the child in a couple of months. I vent my frustration with this as clearly there is no consideration for my feelings regarding my first child about to be born and it undermines my role and beginning of a relationship with my child. She says again, ‘I want to better this but don’t know how’ and by now I feel exhausted from the constant emotional abuse and gaslighting. When she calls yesterday she starts by telling me how sick she is, hasn’t been sleeping etc. I respond saying I don’t know what to say considering everything she has said and done and I respond that this is abusive and wrong and she has put me in a very tough situation as I made plans for people to move in and continue the rental when I leave. Well her decision to say that now it’s too late for me to move there and I did this to myself….
 So now I’m thinking lawyer time. A friend said there is actually some fraud involved here being she didn’t inform me she had taken the job when she did but I don’t know. I appreciate any thoughts and /or advice but I think consulting a lawyer may be my best option.

[SinisterComplex]

FTF, you are always welcome here. Never feel ashamed or afraid to post. Having said that I would definitely advise you to speak to a lawyer. As always...be kind to YOU and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

• January pwBPD interviews for job out of state (near her family)
• February we discuss starting a family
• March we learn we are pregnant
• We decide: we have a lease until October why not start working our way toward her family in steps
• An hour later she says: "well I called and took the job and we are moving May 1st"
• ‘when did you accept this job?’ The answer: January when she interviewed
• The answer whenever this topic is brought up: well she did what was best for the baby
• Don't come yet...

It is evident she is not listening to your concerns and is, so to speak, by her actions and dismissal of you, following her own (disordered) drummer.

I gather you're not married?  She was pregnant when you registered a year ago but aborted that baby?  Now she is pregnant again but has been remote for a few months?  Why doesn't she want you to visit her sooner?  My spidey sense is tingling.  Is she still pregnant?  She ought to be showing by now.  Is there some way you can determine whether she's still pregnant and didn't have another abortion?

If you are married... time to consult a family law attorney.  For yourself and your baby.

If you are not married and she is confirmed still pregnant... time to consult a family law attorney.  For your baby.

If you are not married but she is no longer pregnant... time to cut your losses and unwind your relationship.  There is just too much misleading and vacillation as evidenced by her actions and she will keep whipsawing you so you're always playing catch-up to her latest revelations.

Sorry I couldn't phrase it better, but from my initial perspective that's a rough outline of a decision tree for you.

As for the fraud angle, IMHO you're unlikely to get much traction there since it's an aspect of an emotional relationship.  As with everything else, seek out the legal advice of a lawyer.

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you for your response PD. She is pregnant and showing. I did call and do an intake for consult with fam law atty

[PeteWitsend]

Where I live, your county of domicile is a huge factor in determining child custody & residence.

For example, a guy I know is living with his GF and their baby.  Not married, no plans to be married.

They've been fighting a lot and discussed her maybe going to live with her mom a few hours away and taking a break in their relationship.  They didn't discuss money, but since the mom isn't working, I assume it would become an issue sooner or later.. 

They've since reconciled, but he did talk to an attorney who warned him that if she left WITH his consent, she could very well stay there, sue him for child support in her mom's county, and he'd have to pay child support w/out being able to see his kid, unless he was willing to relocate there or travel each time.  His attorney advised him to sue BEFORE any relocation took place, assuming he wanted to be part of his kid's life (since he'd be paying child support either way).

something to consider..