Don’t know what to do

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I have been married for almost 2 years and have known my wife now for close to 4 years. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in March of this year.

The relationship started off well, with a few bumps along the way. Before our marriage, there had been instances of her smashing plates and glasses, self harm by hitting herself, and a breach of trust by looking through my text messages and personal notes.I was aware of her depression and anxiety beforehand. I figured this was just a part of the initial phases of the relationship and we moved past them.
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About 6 months after getting married, things started to take a turn for the worse. She tried to kill herself, broke a friends laptop, threatened to hurt me, hit me a few times on one occasion, had many many outbursts where she would leave the house,  and called me nasty names that made me question my own reality and character.

A couple of weeks back was what felt like the last straw for me. She lied about something, and it took me a few moments to realize that that was not what happened. When I called her out, she got extremely angry and drove away in the car. I had to go looking for her, calm her down and defuse the entire situation - again.

We are currently staying separately, and I am at a crossroads. I am seeing a therapist and so is my wife.I make sure I eat well and exercise everyday. I have finally opened up to my friends about what is happening.  I have been educating myself on BPD and understand why she behaves the way she does. I want to help her, and my heart goes out to her. I don’t want to abandon her and make her condition worse. But I ask myself: At what cost to my own mental health, and happiness?

I want a healthy relationship, and I don’t know when that will be with my wife. I just don’t know what to do now.

[Bagheera]

Hello,

I have been married for almost 2 years and have known my wife now for close to 4 years. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in March of this year.

The relationship started off well, with a few bumps along the way. Before our marriage, there had been instances of her smashing plates and glasses, self harm by hitting herself, and a breach of trust by looking through my text messages and personal notes.I was aware of her depression and anxiety beforehand. I figured this was just a part of the initial phases of the relationship and we moved past them.
.
About 6 months after getting married, things started to take a turn for the worse. She tried to kill herself, broke a friends laptop, threatened to hurt me, hit me a few times on one occasion, had many many outbursts where she would leave the house,  and called me nasty names that made me question my own reality and character.

A couple of weeks back was what felt like the last straw for me. She lied about something, and it took me a few moments to realize that that was not what happened. When I called her out, she got extremely angry and drove away in the car. I had to go looking for her, calm her down and defuse the entire situation - again.

We are currently staying separately, and I am at a crossroads. I am seeing a therapist and so is my wife.I make sure I eat well and exercise everyday. I have finally opened up to my friends about what is happening.  I have been educating myself on BPD and understand why she behaves the way she does. I want to help her, and my heart goes out to her. I don’t want to abandon her and make her condition worse. But I ask myself: At what cost to my own mental health, and happiness?

I want a healthy relationship, and I don’t know when that will be with my wife. I just don’t know what to do now.

[BigOof]

Do you remember how good life was before all this drama? Don't you want to get back there?

There's no stopping it. There's a pit of emptiness inside her and you'll never fill it.

[ForeverDad]

I often refer to marriage being a major reason for things getting worse.  How so?

Marriage is an obligated relationship.  It is neither easy nor inexpensive to divorce, especially if there are children to add custody and parenting issues.  So it may be that subconsciously she feels "free" to act out, especially in private scenarios, knowing you have an obligation with her.

In addition, people with BPD (pwBPD) usually appear somewhat to normal or less abnormal in public.  Besides, the occasional encounter may be a bit off, but not majorly as intense as with those closer to the pwBPD.  After all, BPD is a disorder most impacting of close relationships.

The relationship started off well, with a few bumps along the way. Before our marriage, there had been instances of her smashing plates and glasses, self harm by hitting herself, and a breach of trust by looking through my text messages and personal notes.I was aware of her depression and anxiety beforehand.

So it is not surprising that the poor behaviors became more evident after marriage.  She did not contract BPD suddenly after she married.  Will counseling help?  Perhaps to some extent, but real improvement depends upon her getting solid therapy and applying it diligently in her life.

If you do not have children yet, then it is a good idea to avoid pregnancies until you know how much therapy helps her.  As I wrote above, divorce becomes vastly more complicated with children involved.

I want to help her, and my heart goes out to her. I don’t want to abandon her and make her condition worse.

Sadly, recovery is something not in your power.  This is largely up to her.  You cannot do it for her.  Likely you cannot help her.  Support of her efforts to improve is likely the most you can do.

Our experience here is that promises, wishes and hopes don't count.  Will your spouse apply therapy in her life, not just now when the focus is on her, but later on in her day to day life in the months and years to come?

[yellowbutterfly]

Hi Bagheera,

I have so many of the same sentiments as you, I really feel for what you're going through.

It's hard to realize that you are not in a healthy relationship no matter the length of time you've been together. My uBPDh didn't start really showing the signs or acting out until after we were married, he also lost his job and I think that really triggered him. I think what @Foreverdad has to say is very relevant and was also helpful to me.

I don’t want to abandon her and make her condition worse. But I ask myself: At what cost to my own mental health, and happiness?

I want a healthy relationship, and I don’t know when that will be with my wife. I just don’t know what to do now.

I think your question above is really important and one I've been grappling with myself. You are not alone in this. Posting here and talking to your therapist and now to your friends is really important. I've found these outlets to help me get back to myself and help me be rational to think about what I can and cannot handle with the relationship. It's given me clarity without anyone being judgmental or telling me what to do and ultimately allowed me to answer that question you pose for myself.

Also, I want to acknowledge that it's easy to feel you're abandoning someone you love by thinking about yourself and your mental health. The sense of guilt and desire to help my H is really prominent. There are some good articles that are linked on the message board that describe FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) all things which you're probably feeling in this, I know I am.  My therapist reminds me that all of those feelings are normal in a situation like this. Being married feels like a whole other obligation as my uBPDh uses that as a manipulation tactic with me.

Plus, I've trauma bonded to my H in all of this, something I thought I would be strong enough to not do. I feel guilty when he reaches out and when I try to do NC, I just get sucked back in (for reference, we are apart for a week as that's all he'll give me and I am figuring out my plan to go elsewhere when he returns). You said you're living separately.  Are you able to minimize your conversations with her because you are apart? 

We are really emphasizing working on me and getting out of the cycle of abuse and allowing myself to be around rational people who can help me be rational. They all don't have to know what is going on, I just need to take care of ME. Can you spend more time with others in your life that help you think rationally? Do you go to an office or another outlet that will allow you to focus on something else during the day?

It sounds like you're trying to take care of yourself. Keep doing that by eating well, starting to regain your life at work, with friends, working out. (I stopped drinking completely in the interim to make sure I'm clearheaded and feeling good). I have a good therapist, too, like yourself. Though, I'm not ok, nothing about me is ok right now. I'm suffering immensely and the emotional/psychological abuse is really really hard to deal with. I really identify with you!

Lastly, I've found meditation and mantras to be helpful for me. Is this something you've looked into? If not, it might be another way to ground yourself and think through what you need and want in the relationship. Take care of youself

[Bagheera]

Hi,

Thank you all for your responses. @ForeverDad, what you said about her applying what she does in her therapy to her day to day life - that really stood out for me. Looking back, she has not really been applying that on a daily basis, only when push comes to shove. You are right that marriage is an obligation, and that things took a turn for the worse soon after the marriage where she felt 'freer' to act out. Thank you for your perspective on the application of her therapy.

@BigOof, thanks for your concise response - I have not asked myself that question and it is something that I need to more often.

@yellowbutterfly, thanks for your detailed response. It feels good to know that I am not alone in this. Seeking help from my friends, has enabled me to seek out rational solutions - one of which was the separation. We have been living separately, and I tried to set some boundaries of speaking once a week. It has been hard to maintain it, because like you, I keep getting sucked into speaking more than once a week. I can empathize with how you feel when you feel guilty when he reaches out - I am in the same boat.

Can you spend more time with others in your life that help you think rationally? Do you go to an office or another outlet that will allow you to focus on something else during the day?

I have been spending more time with my close friends, and I am opening up to my family some more. I have got some meaningful projects that I am currently working on, which is great. There was an instance once, when my wife could not comprehend that I had to prioritize work over her for a few hours, and that turned into an argument as well.

I have a good therapist, too, like yourself. Though, I'm not ok, nothing about me is ok right now. I'm suffering immensely and the emotional/psychological abuse is really really hard to deal with. I really identify with you!

I am sorry to hear that you're suffering so much. I can understand the emotional and psychological abuse you are going through. Maybe trying to enforce your boundaries a little by little each time you have to, could help. That is what helped when I said we should be separated and not see each other for a month. You have the strength in you to hold your own.

Lastly, I've found meditation and mantras to be helpful for me. Is this something you've looked into? If not, it might be another way to ground yourself and think through what you need and want in the relationship.

Yes, I used to meditate, but I stopped. I will get back into it. I have started chanting mantras, I need to do it more often.

Thank you all for the support and the advice.

[ForeverDad]

I previously wrote that BPD is more evident and impacting in closer and committed relationships.  LnL wrote another factor as to why it gets worse when things get closer.

Marriage recreates a family dynamic, and for many pwBPD, family was a place of profound trauma.