Any Step Parents Out There?

[OldRedFox]

Hello All.  I am new to the site but I am a long time participant in the life of an adult male with BPD (diagnosed).  He is my step son but I have been in his life since he was 7.  He is now 25.  My husband and I tried during his childhood to get him assistance.  Bio mom was not co-operative.  He now has a child.  Child Welfare Services have been involved on multiple occasions due to poor parenting choices and risky conduct. I joined NAMI so as to get support, but my husband struggles with accepting the diagnosis and will not participate.  My husband struggles with how to cope with his son's conduct and is often grumpy, depressed and lashing out at others who are unhappy with the way his son treats other family members.  I have thought about leaving my husband many times due to enabling and blame shifting.  I am exhausted and looking for others who have shared experiences. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi OldRedFox! Yes, here I am, raising my hand  (stepmom).

There are more stepparents on this site, mostly stepmoms. While my husband's kids don't have PDs (they are still teens), the kids' mom has many BPD traits (and she remarried to someone with strong NPD traits), so I get the challenges of being in a stepfamily with PDs in the mix.

I joined NAMI so as to get support

 

Good call. Whatever anyone else in your life is doing or not doing, if you need more support, that's good that you chose to get it.

My husband struggles with how to cope with his son's conduct

Where is your stepson (SS25) living now? Your place? Mom's house? Other?

I have thought about leaving my husband many times due to enabling and blame shifting.

PD dynamics wreak havoc on the relationships around them. Does your H recognize that the relationship between you and him has been rocky?

Are you both seeing a marriage counselor? If not, if it were framed as "improving our communication" or "I want to learn to listen to you better" or something NOT about SS25, do you think your H might attend?

I am exhausted and looking for others who have shared experiences.

Yes, I understand. This is a good place to share with others who will "get it" right away.

How have the last few days been?

[beatricex]

Hi Oldredfox,
I am a stepmom of an adult child with sBPD.  My husband and I have been to two different marriage counselors because of his daughter's behavior.  Once, after she gave my husband an ultimatum to leave me or he would never see her or her two kids ever again.  Second time was "to set better boundaries with both his adult daughters" (that is how I phrased it to him, there was no beating around the bush about it).

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your husband this is a problem for your marriage, because it is.  Honest open communication may help with his grumpiness and enabling.  Lay it all out for him, else, what are you really in the marriage for?

I also joined NAMI (he didn't) and that helped me too.
 
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