BPD DIL Destroying my peace and causing chaos

[Becca Wynn]

I am feeling such despair. My son and dil have their first child. My dil is BPD with narcissistic tendencies. Things were difficult before the baby was born but are even worse now. She is extremely manipulating and will not allow us to hold the baby.  She seems to be using the baby as a pawn. She is cruel and seems as if she doesn’t have a soul.  My therapist says if I want a relationship with my son, I pretty much have to take it and just basically let her be a queen. She will not even let our elderly parents hold the baby or spend time with the baby. They are heartbroken.  I really hate her and I’m not one to hate people.  I would love to love her.  She has no friends and is always angry and some perceived injustice done to her by others even her own family.  I know that my son loves us and I want to have a conversation with him and be honest about all this and how hurtful it is.  I love my son but I have no peace with her. She makes all of our family gatherings stressful and like a pressure cooker never knowing when she will verbally attack a relative.  Part of me want to just tell my son that we love you but we do not want to be around her if she cannot treat us and those we love (elderly parents) with the same respect and general kindness that we show her.  Please advise.  I feel so hopeless.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mary Jean]

I am so sorry for your situation. The pain you feel is so difficult.
I don’t know if I have any advice, I can only offer empathy. My situation is with my daughter who is BPD.  We have been estranged for 3 years which is heartbreaking. I have only seen my 2 grandchildren 1 time in all that time.  In a way, I am strangely relieved that my daughter and her family moved more
than 1000 miles away without even saying “goodbye.”
It is an unending nightmare.  I wish you peace.

[Becca Wynn]

Thank you for sharing your experience.  One day at a time for sure.  Peace to you.

[Sluggo]

Becca,

Thank you so much for sharing that pain. I am so sorry.  I was that son.  I married a BPDwife for 18 years.  The last 8 years it got progressively worse. The last 3 years I stopped all communication to my family. Each time I made a decision to distance myself from friends, family, my wants and needs,  it was because my wife said it would help our marriage.  I also had a born son recently at that time and there was so many rules for my family to be there.  It was awful.

I felt so much shame but I was just in survival mode. I wanted to keep my marriage. I felt so much shame on stopping all communication with my mom and my siblings and my friends out of my life for last 3 years.  I was so lonley, confused, just going day by day hour by hour to keep my wife's rages quelled.  I craved her attention and I would only get that when I made concessions.

What i am so thankful for is that my family welcomed me back with open arms and no judgment and no questions.  I did share with them when I felt ready about all the disfunction in my marriage.   I was so grateful to them and still am for them loving me unconditionally... 

Sluggo 

[Couscous]

My therapist says if I want a relationship with my son, I pretty much have to take it and just basically let her be a queen.

While I am sure your therapist means well this is very bad advice. It sounds to me like your therapist has some unaddressed codependency issues — which is sadly very common amongst therapists. The reality is that you will be enabling your DIL’s illness by following your T’s suggestion.

It sounds to me like your instincts to draw hard boundaries are spot on — you are not being ‘mean’ to do so. You are not asking for too much to want be able to have peaceful family get-togethers. What you have said about having an honest conversation with your son where you tell him how much his wife’s abusive behavior is hurting you sounds like a mature way to go about communicating this to him. Yes, it is unfortunate for him, but your son is going to have to face the consequences of his decisions, and if you continue to act as a shock absorber for his wife’s anger, you will take a lot of the heat off of him which is not is actually not in his long-term best interests.

[GrandmaS]

That is exactly what I have been through with my DIL. We weren't even allowed to see the first grandbaby for almost a full year. Her parents and grandmother were.

After seven years of being emotionally abused, I decided I would no longer take it. No one deserves to be abused. I know without intense therapy (DBT), she is not going to change.  It has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. For now, I have no direct contact with my three grandkids (we send birthday gifts, etc.). We talk to our son via email.

I am just sharing my story, not giving advice. I made my decision after a full year of counseling. I would recommend counseling for anyone dealing with a pwBPD.

I am sorry you are going though this.