Looking for information

[Mm543]

My 26 year old daughter exhibits BP behaviors including extreme emotions (crying, rage), abusive and sometimes physically threatening behavior (she yells at my wife and I, can be profane and demanding, once actually pushed my wife and pulled her hair, has broken furniture and dishes.) She has not kept a job longer than 8 months. I can go on, but the point is she seems to meet the criteria of BP and she has refused to get treatment, which we offered to pay for, saying it's a waste of time and she will work things out on her own. A few months ago she quit a good job and has recently begun asking my wife and I for money to pay her rent (she lives in her own apartment), buy groceries, pay health insurance, car loan, basically all living expenses. We told her we would loan money her for a limited time till she gets another job. After 2 months of dragging her feet, selling things on eBay to try to make money, etc., she finally, recently applied for and was offered a fulltime job that has union and full benefits, etc. After she accepted the offer and before she even started work, she decided she hated it, she threatened my wife and I to quit the first day etc. We told her, and it was incredibly difficult to do so, that if she didn't take at least some job, we would not be able to keep helping her financially. At this point, she seems "resigned" to having to do the job and is scheduled to start it shortly. Our therapist (not a BPD specialist) has been encouraging us to stop giving her any money, but my wife and I are concerned that she could wind up homeless if we were to cut her off. For that reason we have not been able to do so. However, may consider if it would help.

MY QUESTIONS ARE:
1) Has anyone had the experience of cutting off a young adult child with BPD? What happened? 2) What is the general understanding in the BPD professional community regarding whether cutting an adult child off can help them "hit bottom" and finally get help, take steps to turn things around?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Couscous]

My thinking is that if she isn’t an addict and doesn’t have a history of getting fired from jobs then she most likely will not end up homeless.

When my BPD brother ran out of people (such as parents/girlfriends/in-laws) willing to enable him by no longer allowing him to live rent free he did not hit bottom, but instead, “miraculously” was able to find stable employment for the first time in his life, at age 35.

[Sancho]

It is a very individual decision I think. You are the best to know how it would work for your dd.

I am not a fan of cutting off, but I think I would tie the money to getting some sort of help. Your dd is fairly functional to be able to hold a job even for short periods and also to be offered jobs, she must present well.

In my experience, my dd functioned 100 times better simply by being on an ordinary SSRI. It didn't take away the core of BPD - needing attention etc - but it raised the level of what would set off the anger and intense emotions.

I also think it is better first up to see a medical professional who is able to prescribe if they think it would benefit. Perhaps talk to your GP to see if they could recommend someone?

Also keep in mind that many - not all - BPD sufferers experience relief from their symptoms in their 30s.

It has been a long, difficult journey. At this point in time I would be looking at what can hold the situation until some help can be introduced. It would be easier at this point than try to come back from homelessness etc.

Just my thoughts . . . .

[Couscous]

I wanted to add that it may be even more important for you to set limits on her raging than it is for you to limit the financial assistance. If she is capable of controlling her behavior at work then she is quite capable of doing so around you and your wife — but she doesn’t because it’s not a priority for her since there are no consequences for acting out at home.  

I also encourage you to learn about the Karpman drama triangle and see if you have been unwittingly playing the Rescuer role in her life which in the long run will in fact hurt her rather than help her.

[KBug]

My step daughter is 24 years old.  She lived primarily with her mom (also w/BPD) until she was 18 and stayed with us on weekends. When she turned 18, she moved in with us until we set firm boundaries with her ( 1 no verbal abuse, 2 be in therapy and on her meds, and 3 she had to either be in school, have a job, or be in intensive outpatient). Then she would bounce between our house and her mom's house depending on who she was most angry with at the time. She doesn't like our boundaries and she and her mother have a high degree of conflict with each other. Now she's not very happy with us or her mother so she's gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend so that she can live with him at his parents' house. Moving back in with us is not currently an option for her because she told several extended family members some really ugly lies about us and we no longer trust her enough to be alone with her. She may have a possibility of more contact with us if she will agree to go to therapy with us to work through what happened (her therapist, ours, or someone neutral), but she's not moving back in with us ever. It's not safe for us.

She knows all of this and after moving in with her boyfriend she returned to working on her college degree and she's working a part time job. We still pay for part of her education since it should help her to be a more independent adult but we don't provide any additional support. She also has to successfully complete a semester before we will pay for an additional semester.

What we learned from this experience (which may or may not apply to your child) is that she will find a way to live and that she will step up if no one will. Our guiding principle in deciding when and how to support her is whether the support will help her or hurt her in becoming an independent adult. The consequence of these decisions is that we have a low contact relationship with her. Her dad and I love her, but honestly, our lives are much easier now without all the drama and conflict. I still feel guilty about not being able to 'fix' her and her situations and I have to remind myself constantly of the 3 Cs of codependence: I didn't cause this, I can't control this, and I can't cure this.