a lot of grief

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am new to this disorder. When I first started having issues with my son, he was very young. He is now an adult and I feel like my whole life as a parent and as a human being has been called into question.

I have been told that I'm abusive and that I'm detrimental to my son's mental health. He believes that he's never in the wrong and  feels quite free to demean everyone else in the family. Everyone was always so careful around him as you would never know what would set him off. It was usually one person in the family that would be the target, but right now, it's me and he's decided to walk away from the family (mostly me). I am grieving the relationship I thought we had and at the same time, wondering if our life will ever be the same again.

Intellectually, I can understand that it's not all me, but as a mother, there's a haunting feeling that somehow I failed. I found a book "Walking on Eggshells" that has been amazing.

It's been 3 weeks since my son had his final, irrational blow up at me and I feel like this is a death.

[tryingtoohard]

I am new to this disorder. When I first started having issues with my son, he was very young. He is now an adult and I feel like my whole life as a parent and as a human being has been called into question.

I have been told that I'm abusive and that I'm detrimental to my son's mental health. He believes that he's never in the wrong and  feels quite free to demean everyone else in the family. Everyone was always so careful around him as you would never know what would set him off. It was usually one person in the family that would be the target, but right now, it's me and he's decided to walk away from the family (mostly me). I am grieving the relationship I thought we had and at the same time, wondering if our life will ever be the same again.

Intellectually, I can understand that it's not all me, but as a mother, there's a haunting feeling that somehow I failed. I found a book "Walking on Eggshells" that has been amazing.

It's been 3 weeks since my son had his final, irrational blow up at me and I feel like this is a death.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Marianne-11]

Hi, I also have problems with my son and can relate to what you are writing and feeling. I am sorry for what you are going through.

I also have given all I have to being a mom (especially because their BPD dad has been very little available for the kids) and yet am in a situation where my son is lying to me and about me at school and to officials and seems to have no limits or remorse in doing so just to get his way, no matter the cost.

Honesty is one of the most important values to me and that’s what I’ve tried to teach him as well, not succeeding obviously. Grief of loosing the relationship I used to have with him and the one I had hoped it to become and also strong feeling of failure as a mom.

While I also try to figure how and where to go from here, I don’t have good advise to offer, I just wish to let you know you are not alone.  Please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself 

[tryingtoohard]

Thank you for your supportive words. I too am sorry for your pain and suffering.

I also have been afraid of losing the relationship and feeling the grief that accompanies that loss. My son is very good at turning the tables and making me the abuser and because he is so intelligent, he makes a good case for himself. I also feel like a failure as a mom.

There's a book by Matt Kahn called "All for love" which I've found helpful on setting boundaries and also allowing someone to walk their own path. I've always tried to compensate for my son's issues by financially or emotionally bailing him out. I now see that not allowing him to fail probably made things worse.

Sending you strength and you are not alone ❤️

[Mary Jean]

I am so sorry for your sad experiences concerning your child. This is a nightmare situation. I am dealing with the same kind of dynamic with my adult daughter. I would guess all of us parents here can hardly believe what has happened to our families.
Like you, I have nearly driven myself crazy with worry, guilt, and grief. My daughter and I have been estranged for 3 years. Two years ago she and her family moved 1000 miles away without even saying good-bye.  I am at the point now where it appears
that things will not change. I am fortunate to have 3 other adult children and several grandchildren. Please be kind to yourself and tell yourself kind messages about your parenting. Our children are very confused about the kind of people their parents are.