Another near death experience

[Gracie84]

My 17 (almost 18) year-old intentionally overdosed. She is on a ventilator in the ICU. This is the second serious attempt that nearly killed her. There have been many others that were not this serious. She has spent the last 6 years in and out of the hospital, in treatment centers and between her Dad’s house and mine (2 different states). She turns 18 in 4 days. I will no longer have control. Maybe that’s not a bad thing since I really don’t have much control anyway. What am I suppose to do? She wants to come back home but when she is there it is chaotic and impacts my younger children. But I don’t want her to die. I also don’t want to take care of her forever. Am I a terrible human. I wish she could just get better, but nothing seems to work.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

While some of your feelings may not seem "good", they're not the "real you" in some sense - they're a product of your frazzled mind dealing with the unthinkable. You'll have plenty of time in the future to ruminate on ethics, for now just focus on the immediate.

Was her other suicide attempt also recent? Is it possible that she's freaking out even more than you two are about the idea of her turning 18? She may find it heightens her paranoia about rejection if she thinks you two will be "glad to be rid of her" - and that leads her down dark paths of thinking.

I'm very sorry you're in this position, and with younger children than her nonetheless. In my own experience, though not every suicide attempt resulted in such - the ones that left her temporarily infirm resulted in about a week of super-nice, super out-of-character behavior...basically like the stereotypical concussion victim. Although I don't have the best track record, so take advice with a grain of salt, I'd say to be careful and tiptoe around anything unpleasant for as long as you can...don't make false promises she'll later resent, but don't bring up harsh truths either.

I wish I had better advice, but please know you're not alone - we're thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

[Sancho]

Hi Gracie84
I can identify with all your feelings. I am not sure that anyone can go through the trauma of a loved child attempting time after time without experiencing what you are going through.

As I write this I am hoping dd has pulled through - and there is some way that this cycle can be prevented from reoccurring.

Having said that, I've been through the cycle many times myself - not attempts, but threats. My cycle is more one of abuse and violence.

My dd is over 30 now. After going round the cycle many times I came across a series of statements on 'Letting Go'. The one that struck me was 'Letting go means to fear less and to love more'.

You say . . .She turns 18 in 4 days. I will no longer have control. Maybe that’s not a bad thing since I really don’t have much control anyway.

Over time (and repeating the 'Letting go statement above many many times) I got to a position where I still looked after her physical needs (she always has a room here), I still love her very much, but I have let go of being anxious about what decisions she makes, the consequences of these and how I can prevent awful consequences.

For me it meant coming to terms with the possibility that she might die in a violent manner - just the thought of it makes me feel ill, but I come back to the fact that I can't control her decisions, but she is loved in this world because I love her.

I hope there is a source of strength for you somewhere as you go along this, what I think is the toughest of life's journeys.

[Gracie84]

Thank you both for your feedback. It is so nice to know that I am not alone.

[Tanager]

Gracie84,

   I have been thinking of you and hope your daughter is improving. The responses to your post have also helped me in trying to let go of the guilt and fear in my relationship with my own daughter.  She struggles with suicidal ideation, threatens suicide (sometimes to manipulate) and has overdosed on ibuprofen.  If anything happened to her I think my heart would literally break.

Sancho's quote, "Letting go means to fear less and love more," resonated with me.  My life is filled with fear and worry about my daughter.  This has affected my health, my husband 's health, family relationships - the list is long. My happiness depends on that of my daughter - not a good way to live!

 "I still love her very much, but I have to let go of being anxious about decisions she makes, the consequences of these and how I can prevent awful consequences.". Thanks for that insight, Sancho. I am going to reflect on those words.