I thought I would keep my cool from now on

[15years]

Well I didn't.

Almost two weeks of her health crisis has ended, it was probably only in connection to her period somehow. I think I have been under intense stress.
I have been thinking all this time that I will never ever react with strong emotions again when she gets emotional.

Today I have learned instead that my fuse is at an all time low. I get very worked up in only a few seconds and talk back at her.
 I have zero tolerance for her disrespecting me and I fight back in a rush of adrenaline, and say "words of truth" that she will never understand anyway.

[FirstSteps]

This seems so natural.  I often bite back harder just as things calm down.  And our kids also erupt with strong emotions after the house goes back to some normal after my uBPDw has an episode.  Of course those emotions are never aimed at her, which is sad for them.

I also think some of this is healthy.  I really struggle personally with not JADE-ing yet also learning to stand up for myself and engage in healthy conflict (even if only from my side).  It's a tough one!  Just don't be too hard on yourself.

[SinisterComplex]

Yes periods unfortunately do a number on those with BPD.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/05/180531143106.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6436806/

As for your fuse getting shorter...you shouldn't be surprised. You are human. S happens. Sometimes all the suppressed anger boils to the surface. You may have a stretch of time here where you think your fuse is growing shorter, but I would argue it is most likely temporary.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

And... you are more aware now as well.  Give yourself a break, you're learning.  Learning is a process like so much else.

[15years]

Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom!

The other day a similar situation happened, I was very calm and I controlled my emotions quite well.

My T said that when someone who has suppressed emotions for a long time stop doing that, they often go from one extreme to the other, and I feel that this is very true for me.

[cleotokos]

I went through a phase where I was reacting strongly. After his verbal/emotional abuse escalated and became so egregious. One time I hurled every nasty word and term he’d ever called me back at him, and he ended up sobbing. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. I am better at remaining calm and very easily recognize when he’s trying to turn the conversation into me defending myself about something. I just tell him I will not defend myself. A term that’s helped me is to remember I will not get down in the mud and roll around with a pig. I have far too much integrity to let him turn me into someone I’m not.

[Manic Miner]

Speaking of JADE, I have to confess that I either don't understand it completely or is not working for me.

To put it simply, without any of JADE our relationship would be even worse. I have noticed there is a slight peace of mind that comes after E or Explaining. Sometimes it even soothes everything. Even if the effect comes a day later, it is evident in my case. Better than the opposite, staying silent and doing your thing without explanation - that would just make it so much worse.

Then Arguing is sometimes necessary as well, though time should be limited, with escape gotta-go moment if it prolongs for hours.
A little bit of Defending can also help if it was said in the SET way.

Justify is the only trait that I try to completely avoid at all costs.

[ForeverDad]

My ex's response when I innocently tried to JADE was that my E=explain was perceived by her as E=excuse.  Of course, that was her and there can be a wide range of how our words are perceived and interpreted.