Kids

[Anonymous22]

My uBPDh and I brought children from previous relationships into our marriage.  My two kids that I brought into our marriage love sports, and are very good at the respective sports that they play.  My husband likes sports, but never played anything competitive growing up.  We are in tackle football (son) and soccer (daughter) season.  Previously, my uBPDh loved doing sports with my kids.  He helped coach my son's football team and played soccer with my daughter in our backyard during our free time...and always attended all of their games...often agreeing to drive them to practice if I needed help.  While coaching he came up with an untrue theory that I am having an affair with all of the other coaches, etc...and he has held on to that belief even though we have switched to a totally different program.  He has stepped back in his involvement to the point that he won't even go with me to drop either of my kids off at practice...even if we have an errand to run together that is near practice...instead of him going with me I take the kids and then have to drive home to pick him up.  (He often "has to run an errand on his own" when it is time for me to drive the kids to practice or if they have a game).  He refuses to talk about sports...and now is adamite that I am sleeping with all of my kid's sports coaches (not just football and soccer...but coaches from other seasons like basketball, etc as well)...mind you, outside of one of the coaches whom our family is really close friends with (and he would consider a close friend) I doubt that any of them even know my first name!  He has also gotten to the point where he won't talk to our close friend because he has to do with football.  I have tried to be understanding, when we are getting ready to leave for games, I mention that he is welcome to join...he always refuses or just nods his head.  The daughter that he brought into our marriage dances.   While everything in me wants to skip her performances, I have tried to make an effort to go to them and ask her about them...though she will rarely talk much about them as I have a feeling he has told her not to talk to me about much.  What is going on here?  Why has he pick this one irrational thing to believe and held on to it...this would mean that he believes that I am having an affair with at least 15 different individuals...crazy!  Am I doing the correct thing by continuing to support my two kids at their sports, offering for him to join us and continuing forward when he doesn't join us...and supporting his daughter with her interests?  Though I will say that I am pretty stand offish at her events as she usually just gives me a little wave, then ignores me and turns to her birth mom, who tries to act nice to me but has no intention of letting me be a step mom to her daughter, while my uBPDh happily participates in her activities.      

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[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Anonymous22, 

I'm very sorry that you are going through this tough and puzzling situation. You have to be experiencing a lot of emotions going on inside of you through all this. For some reason he is projecting his feelings, trying to unload them onto you. Did his ex wife have affairs by any chance?

Please remember that you don't need to engage his thought process or deny or defend at all. Here is a good link: Don't JADE  I know it's easy to feel that need to defend, but you don't need to.

I also believe it's critical that you support your children (and SD) through this and yes, do go to their games/dances. The insecurity your SO feels doesn't have anything to do in reality with the activities your kids are involved in.

 
Wools

 

[Anonymous22]

Thank you!  While I know that I need to keep doing all I can for ALL of the kids, he has made it very hard to do anything for my stepdaughter.  He has forbidden her to talk to me, let me serve her any of her meals, go anywhere with me (even if all of the kids are going with me), etc.  It has made it so I don't want to do anything for her.  I know nothing about her life any longer...and it is sad to say, I don't even want to know.  All of the other kids and I will be doing something together and she just sits there with her dad...jumping at his every beck and call.  I am not allowed to talk to her or ask her to do anything...when all of the other kids have to do a chore, she is doesn't have to do anything...and I mean anything.  It is favoritism at its finest.  When my parents were in town, she laid on the couch watching her phone and barely talked to anyone.  My mom brought each of the kids a couple of outfits, not even a mention of thank you from her to anyone.  Her mom gives in to whatever my husband says, so he walks all over both of them.  The mom had mentioned to me that she would love to talk to me sometime, but the one time I mentioned a book she may be interested in, she told him what I had suggested to her.  I am done trying there!