Another rage by 30 year old BPD Daughter

[tob]

I am sick of being abused. Shes 30 cant do this any more , shes blocked me on everything this time. I didnt even reply to her nasty vile abuse via text. I am almost ready to cut contact permanently. I am done.
He father/ my ex validates her when she attacks me. He is a narcissist and i believe she inherited her issues from him. He was dreadful absent father and i was always there.
I cant stand her, i am done.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

tob, welcome to the group. You've found a place that gets it. Being a parent to an adult child wBPD is not straightforward to say the least, and "typical" advice doesn't always cut it.

It is OK to decline to participate in being abused, "even if" it is your own child. Long term it could perhaps be healthier for both of you, for you to not provide her with an inappropriate outlet for her nasty texts. It might even be a more loving thing to do for her, versus the "typical" advice of "oh, you should be there for her, you're her mother, why can't you support her" or whatever more "typical" feedback may be.

You've provided so much love and support to her when she was young. She may need to "fly with her own wings" now by no longer having you as a target for her huge feelings.

There isn't a "right or wrong" answer here. It would be completely OK for you to step back, take a break, and not engage with her text messages. It would be OK for you to read about some communication tools and skills here, and try those if she texts. It would be OK to do a combination of those approaches, or neither, or give  yourself a break from deciding for a while.

No pressure here. Just a place to talk through what has happened, what you want, and how to move forward.

If you'd like a little reading while you're here, you mention the drama going on with your D30 seeking validation of her treatment of you from her dad. Have you heard of the "Karpman drama triangle" yet? If not, check out this workshop on it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

and let us know your thoughts on if it seems to fit what's going on.

Keep us posted on how you're doing, and again, welcome;

kells76

[Sancho]

Hi Tob
I'm getting a few tirades atm too! 31 year old dd has just moved back in after a few months with bf. So she is probably coming off stuff too.

I have been 'greystone rocking' for a while now. It's so hard to be at the end of the abuse tirade when all you have done is support etc. Have to say that the 'I really don't like you' thoughts go through my head!

But the greystone has saved my sanity. I don't respond much whether it is abuse or not. I found that if dd was okay and I relaxed and chatted/answered normally it quickly went back to raging abuse.

My bottom line is:
I want her to have somewhere to come (so a room here) so that there is a safe place for her
I love her and have done all I can to support her
I can't engage much or interact with her as she is too reactive

For some people the bottom line is they can't interact at all with their adult bpd child. Given what we cope with year after year, that is very valid.

Do you have an idea now what your bottom line is?

[KBug]

I get it.  My 24 year old step daughter is really volatile and abusive, too. Her mom has BPD also and likes to tell lies about me and my husband (her father) to the kids. Once SD turned 18, she wanted to live with us and she did for a while, floating between her mom's and our houses avoiding who she was most upset with at the time. We provided her with a lot of support and a calm home. I was her "favorite person" for a while. Even when she was raging at us, we were calm. We did eventually set some boundaries that she was not allowed to be verbally abusive with us (which lead to her moving to her mom's house for about 3 months and landing in inpatient). She's been in and out of our houses over the years and now she's living with a boyfriend and his family. When she was younger, she used to push back on her mom's accusations.  Since boundary setting with her, she's spread really ugly accusations about us being child molesters to anyone who will listen. The accusations aren't even remotely true. They aren't about her experiences but they are about people she doesn't even know.

Family members she told came to us to tell us what was going on. We talked to her about the lies and smear campaign. We told her that we don't feel safe being alone with her. We will do things with her in public if both of us are there or there are other family members or friends with us. However, she can't come to our house without other people present and she can't stay overnight with us. These boundaries are open for possible negotiation if she will go to therapy with us.  She can choose her therapist, our therapist, or someone else. She never followed through on the offer and it's been 1.5 years.

We see her occasionally at family events.  We invite her to do things with us and her brothers sometimes but she doesn't come. When we see her at family events, there's usually drama. She usually has some sort of emotional breakdown and leaves dramatically.

My husband and I love her but we don't like her much. We both grieve her struggles and the loss of who we wish she could be (which really isn't fair to her). However, our lives are so much more peaceful now that we have low contact with her. Setting and keeping boundaries has been tough and we mostly lost our relationship with her but it was the right thing to do.

[Turkish]

Since boundary setting with her, she's spread really ugly accusations about us being child molesters to anyone who will listen. The accusations aren't even remotely true. They aren't about her experiences but they are about people she doesn't even know.

My mother with BPD, PTSD, Anxiety and Depression lived with us "ok" for a few months. That was until she started threatening me and accusing me of all sorts of legal elder abuse... to neighbors, and she called the cops on me a couple of times. I returned her to her unsafe home because I had to in order to keep me and my little kids safe.

Not exactly the same, but I sympathize strongly with parents here, and I received similar static from a few quarters, "but she's your mother!"

We're about preserving families here, but not at all costs. Strong boundaries are sometimes needed, especially when we are put in danger.

[PearlsBefore]

When you mention her vile abuse of you, I assume it's a reference to her saying some things that really hurt you - that she's phrasing as criticism but cut really deep, perhaps just to be malicious?

What kinds of things is she saying, is it that you're the crazy one - or that she's crazy but it's your fault - or is it ultimately about something else going on in her life?

Also, it's threads like these that remind me how much respect I have for all the long-time members here; please know you're wonderful and experts in displaying your techniques and I love you all for it.