Loving myself more ended the relationship

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When we started out I was so sure that I finally found my soulmate. Unfortunately it was just an idealization phase. This was so heartbreaking for me. I thought I could keep everything afloat. I couldn’t understand why or how she would have the heart to devalue my existence in her life.

Almost 3 years in and I decided to love myself more and by doing so I noticed that she got angrier and questioned my love for her. Turns out I should be a saint and always put her needs ahead of mine, whatever the repercussions may be. It made sense why she would always tell me that I’m so selfish and she needed someone who is selfless but not a doormat. 

She would tell me that there’s nothing wrong if I put myself first but that line would eventually backfire.

If I didn’t choose to love myself more I would be destroyed and lose my sanity. I don’t want to be broken because of my pwBPD.

When I would rather disengage as to not make the fight any worse, in turn she would peg me as someone who abandons her. For just about anything she does, she finds a way to twist things and find fault in me. By getting lost with all the outbursts, accusations, hurtful remarks, comparison, constantly breaking up with me, questioning my love for her  and so much more I decided enough is enough. I need to find a way to keep my sanity. But by doing so? I just lost her and she became farther away. She can’t control me anymore and I don’t let her episodes make me guilty like before.

Could that be the reason why she wants to finally end things?

She also said that she understands if I think she’s such a monster because she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship and can’t nurse my pain. She said that it takes 1 year to see any improvement in DBT, she’s just 3 months in. Telling me that now she will choose herself because she’s fed up with me. When all this time whenever we would fight it was really all about her but complains that when we talk it’s all about me.

What do I do? I’m not ready to just pack up and leave.

[Buddy Joe]

When we started out I was so sure that I finally found my soulmate. Unfortunately it was just an idealization phase. This was so heartbreaking for me. I thought I could keep everything afloat. I couldn’t understand why or how she would have the heart to devalue my existence in her life.

Almost 3 years in and I decided to love myself more and by doing so I noticed that she got angrier and questioned my love for her. Turns out I should be a saint and always put her needs ahead of mine, whatever the repercussions may be. It made sense why she would always tell me that I’m so selfish and she needed someone who is selfless but not a doormat. 

She would tell me that there’s nothing wrong if I put myself first but that line would eventually backfire.

If I didn’t choose to love myself more I would be destroyed and lose my sanity. I don’t want to be broken because of my pwBPD.

When I would rather disengage as to not make the fight any worse, in turn she would peg me as someone who abandons her. For just about anything she does, she finds a way to twist things and find fault in me. By getting lost with all the outbursts, accusations, hurtful remarks, comparison, constantly breaking up with me, questioning my love for her  and so much more I decided enough is enough. I need to find a way to keep my sanity. But by doing so? I just lost her and she became farther away. She can’t control me anymore and I don’t let her episodes make me guilty like before.

Could that be the reason why she wants to finally end things?

She also said that she understands if I think she’s such a monster because she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship and can’t nurse my pain. She said that it takes 1 year to see any improvement in DBT, she’s just 3 months in. Telling me that now she will choose herself because she’s fed up with me. When all this time whenever we would fight it was really all about her but complains that when we talk it’s all about me.

What do I do? I’m not ready to just pack up and leave.

[Tupla Sport]

This kind of happened to me too.

She moved out in May after originally threatening to break up with me if she had to move out, and we obviously didn't see each other all the time. The distance made it easier for me to stand up for myself and pretty much every time I did that, she would have an episode, would leave in a mute state and stay like that for a day or more. Once I said something to the effect "could you not be all up in my face for 5 minutes" and she went mute after cancelling our plans for the evening. After moving out, she didn't bother having live fights anymore. She just checked out and we took the fight to WhatsApp and Discord before she checked out from there too to presumably nearly pass out of exhaustion. Or text my friend who she was monkey-branching with, I'll hopefully never know.

The last straw was when she was supposed to come over for sex about a month ago, I said something that broke the eggshell dance (made a direct complaint on her behavior). First she went mute, then said "WTF is going on in here" to which I replied "I guess that's that for tonight" and she left mute and weird again. After that we eventually broke up for good.

[Buddy Joe]

Hi, Tupla Sport! I actually replied to your monkey-branching post but unfortunately it didn’t send. My internet got disconnected and my post vanished.

How are you now? Are you in a good place?

[Tupla Sport]

Hi, Tupla Sport! I actually replied to your monkey-branching post but unfortunately it didn’t send. My internet got disconnected and my post vanished.

How are you now? Are you in a good place?

Hi!

I'm doing okay, thank you for asking. Nearing first full week of NC. Getting my energy back. Which feels weird coz now there's suddenly a lot of it. Channeling the energy to work and hobbies, that's what I'm trying to do.

[Buddy Joe]

I'm doing okay, thank you for asking. Nearing first full week of NC. Getting my energy back. Which feels weird coz now there's suddenly a lot of it. Channeling the energy to work and hobbies, that's what I'm trying to do.

I’m very happy to know that. Thank you for sharing.  

When I moved out from my pwBPD’s house after nearly 4 years of living with her I honestly felt more energized. When we fight she would always ask me to leave. She packed my stuff once. The 2nd time, I was packing it myself while hyperventilating because I couldn’t believe that was happening again. The 3rd worst time was when she hired a moving van to bring all of my stuff to my parents house the next morning.

The comment I made on your post was pertaining to your friend. I’ve had failed friendships of my own. The one thing that kept me going and not dwell on the pain of losing a friend was choosing to believe everything was real until it lasted. Whatever friendship I shared with my friend were all real. Maybe his purpose in your life was over. Clearly he chose your ex over your friendship. That alone was enough signal that you are not his priority anymore. Believe me that you’ll find others because you’ve already cleared your way from the toxicity it once brought you. Hang in there