How can I make the situation better?

My boyfriend and I have been in an intense relationship for sometime now. We have many highs and many lows… never neutral grounds.

We run into small arguments that started at least once every fortnight and now it’s every week sometimes everyday.
We have been dating long distance for sometime now and there are even talks of moving closer to one another but I’m not so sure considering his behaviour when we’re visiting one another once a month.

Over the phone we get into minor disagreements however, in person the arguments will last hours. I really try to be the bigger person and ask “how do I fix this in the future” or apologise first or when he asks me for an explanation on why I did something, he would blow it out of proportion and lecture me for hours at a time then stone wall me or request for space.

Just this week (it’s Wednesday where I am) we had two disagreements… one he broke up with me over… I’m currently in his state and one day he asked me for space indirectly, as I was confused, I began asking him for clarity and then once I finally understood he needed space I decided to go to the mall on my own. 30 minutes later he texts me telling me he can’t do this relationship, packs my suitcase and tells me to come and get it. Since I knew it was impulsive on his end, I decided to be calm, except the breakup however as soon as I met him to get my suitcase he was telling me he won’t give me my suitcase and that I should get in the car and he will take me to my sisters place. I didn’t want to do that and just wanted to get my bag and leave.. he started raising his voice in public making ultimatums and holding my bag in his possession… this was by far the most embarrassing moment of my life - this was on Monday.

Fast forward to today (Wednesday) after sitting down with him he told me he feels smothered and asked me for less time together (mind you we only talk for at least 1 hr everyday and in person I’m not even at his home full time, maybe 3x a week)… I respected his decision regardless. Being that I’m in his city for a limited time, I asked him which days and hours he would be comfortable to see me as I am confused now that he asked for less time together, he snapped at me again telling me that I should not be confused as we spoke about this (we didn’t go into depth). So I decided to just lay back and not react too much. Since there are a few things I wanted to do with him, I decided to call a friend instead to go out with during the time we aren’t together. I told him I’m going out later with a friend and he was all fine with it until I mentioned he was male (we have spoken about opposite gendered friends and we know which boundaries not to cross). He began yelling, telling me I’m being manipulative for using his request for space against him by going out with a male friend. He then said I should take the day to think about if I want to be in this relationship or not. I was confused… I told him I would cancel the hangout I planned and explained that I just wanted company going out instead of going alone (I know only 3 people in this city). He still didn’t believe me and told me my explanation was not making sense and that I don’t value the relationship. I later on decided to reassure him via text again to which he has begun stone walling me and told me he wants space…

I’ve observed that asking general questions, asking for clarity, telling him I’m confused or not reacting as he expected during time of conflict is something that triggers him.

I don’t know how to behave anymore and I’m generally just confused… I know he is a great man he just has his flaws as we all do but I don’t know how to handle this…

Sorry for my super long submission

With love,
Pringles x



Diagnosis + Treatment The Big Picture Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ] Five Dimensions of Human Personality Think It's BPD but How Can I Know? DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders Treatment of BPD [ Video ] Getting a Loved One Into Therapy Top 50 Questions Members Ask Home page Forum List of discussion groups Making a first post Find last post Discussion group guidelines Tips Romantic relationship in or near breakup Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD Sibling or Parent with BPD Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD Partner or Spouse with BPD Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship Tools Wisemind Ending conflict (3 minute lesson) Listen with Empathy Don't Be Invalidating Setting boundaries On-line CBT Book reviews Member workshops About Mission and Purpose Website Policies Membership Eligibility Please Donate