So tired of conflict with ex-wife...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've got no reason for posting here other than to vent anonymously.  I'm so tired of fighting with my ex-wife.  I have two children that I love S15 and D13 but that have forced me to keep going with my ex-wife for the last 12 years.  The first five years she fought me in court to keep me from the children.  I won 50/50 custody thank god.  Since she has continued to try to alienate the children but I've mostly been able to counter that thanks to having 50/50 custody.  Now though I think she is starting again.  I think she is going to convince my son to request some kind of change of custody.  She's not discussing this with me and I don't know if my son is supporting her or not.  I don't know if he's taken up with his mothers goals.  I'm just so tired.  I love my kids but I am counting down the days until they are 18 and I can walk away from my ex forever. 

[ssmith]

I've got no reason for posting here other than to vent anonymously.  I'm so tired of fighting with my ex-wife.  I have two children that I love S15 and D13 but that have forced me to keep going with my ex-wife for the last 12 years.  The first five years she fought me in court to keep me from the children.  I won 50/50 custody thank god.  Since she has continued to try to alienate the children but I've mostly been able to counter that thanks to having 50/50 custody.  Now though I think she is starting again.  I think she is going to convince my son to request some kind of change of custody.  She's not discussing this with me and I don't know if my son is supporting her or not.  I don't know if he's taken up with his mothers goals.  I'm just so tired.  I love my kids but I am counting down the days until they are 18 and I can walk away from my ex forever. 

[kells76]

Hey ssmith, welcome. Glad you found the group -- it's a good place to vent, process, problemsolve, all with people who've "been there done that" too.

Attempting to coparent with a disordered ex is neither intuitive, nor straightforward, nor covered by/understood by "mainstream" divorce books, that sometimes seem to suggest "just be polite and one day, you'll all have Thanksgiving dinner together for the kids!"

I can relate to everything you're saying -- my H and his kids' mom got divorced >10 years ago and the conflict, while "covert" (i.e. there's no yelling, shouting, door slamming, physical altercations), is relentless, pervasive, and unending in terms of emotional/psychological manipulation. The kids are 14 & 16 and while in some areas they've been able to stay strong and not take sides, there are many areas where they are either blind to or totally participating in Mom and Stepdad's manipulation/coercion. It's hard to watch your kids/stepkids "drink the Kool Aid".

You did well to persevere to have as much time with your sons as possible and to be proactive about countering her pathogenic parenting choices.

...

Couple of questions for us to learn more:

What do you think may have happened recently to trigger her to pressure your son?

Do you have a therapist through all this? Do your kids?

Does one of the kids seem to occupy one role for her, and the other kid have a different role (i.e. "golden" or "perfect" child, scapegoat/"bad" child, emotional support child/"the little adult"...), that might explain why she'd pressure your son?

...

I'm just so tired.  I love my kids but I am counting down the days until they are 18 and I can walk away from my ex forever.

Yes. I was just sharing the same sentiment with a friend yesterday night. I love my H's kids, and at the same time, stepparenting them requires a connection (even though we are essentially parallel parenting) with their mom (who has many BPD type traits) and stepdad (many NPD type traits) that is triggering, exhausting, painful, crazy, and difficult to endure.

Keep posting here as much as you need to, and again, welcome;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Since she has continued to try to alienate the children but I've mostly been able to counter that thanks to having 50/50 custody.  Now though I think she is starting again.  I think she is going to convince my son to request some kind of change of custody...

My court cases were long before the COVID days of even longer delays.  Many of my trips to court took a year and more.  Continuances to a later court appearance were to my ex's advantage since she had the advantage for so long and so of course they frustrated me.  So it's not like quick changes.  And the longer it takes, hey, the closer the kids get to adulthood.

I love my kids but I am counting down the days until they are 18 and I can walk away from my ex forever.

Well, better to describe that the conflict will change and level of conflict reduced.  Then it will be up to the kids on how they handle their parental relationships.  And whether they consult you for sound advice.

I recall one member here who years ago was planning her wedding.  She did invite her BPD mother (who always sought to be the center of attention) but also hired off-duty police to be posted near her mother.  They were prepared to escort her out if/when necessary.

Do you have a therapist through all this? Do your kids?

If not, then it's likely your ex would oppose that, well, perhaps not if she would get to choose an inexperienced, gullible or biased counselor.

On the other hand, long ago my lawyer told me, "Courts love counseling."  Our recommended approach is to be proactive in the process.  Be the first to research local counselors and prepare a short list of experienced and respected counselors so that the only option for ex is to pick from among your vetted list.  And courts will like that since it does involve both parents in the selection process.  It won't care who prepared the list.

[SinisterComplex]

I've got no reason for posting here other than to vent anonymously.  I'm so tired of fighting with my ex-wife.  I have two children that I love S15 and D13 but that have forced me to keep going with my ex-wife for the last 12 years.  The first five years she fought me in court to keep me from the children.  I won 50/50 custody thank god.  Since she has continued to try to alienate the children but I've mostly been able to counter that thanks to having 50/50 custody.  Now though I think she is starting again.  I think she is going to convince my son to request some kind of change of custody.  She's not discussing this with me and I don't know if my son is supporting her or not.  I don't know if he's taken up with his mothers goals.  I'm just so tired.  I love my kids but I am counting down the days until they are 18 and I can walk away from my ex forever. 

Hey SS that is all the reason you need. Hey man this all about helping each other through the S that a lot of people just cannot comprehend. Most importantly, please continue to use this resource. We are a family here. If all you need to do is vent...so be it. Vent away and I and the rest of the team and community will listen. We got you fam. Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[I Am Redeemed]

What do you think her reasons would be for changing the custody agreement?

What signs have you seen that this is happening?

Does your son talk about how things go when he's at mom's?

[Manic Miner]

  I'm just so tired.  I love my kids but I am counting down the days until they are 18 and I can walk away from my ex forever. 

What do you mean by that? Do you think you could avoid your ex by directly speaking to your kids or just stop caring for them and treat them as adults?
Well if the latter is the case, turning 18 is just a number with some laws behind it. They are still kids in their minds and will need support for years ahead, esp. if their mother is disordered.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello Ssmith.  Welcome.  Hang in there friend.  Make some time for yourself.  Find something just for you to recharge and build up margin for the conflicts.  Good luck.  CoMo