Paralyzed

[Tharn]

Hi all,
I spent all if today trying to find a therapist to help me with this issue and somehow found my way here.  My 19 yo daughter is in rehab for opiate use disorder.  She went voluntarily,  but wanted to leave just as soon as she got a prescription for withdrawals. I filed an emergency order to keep her in treatment until a hearing to decide if she can be involuntarily committed to rehab.

I am just realizing that she has exhibited BPD traits for most of her teenage years.  Self-harm, suicide attempts, substance abuse.  She has been treated since 13 for depression and anxiety - with little success. In July, she left home and began "living with" her bf (she had been gay since 13). I didn't realize early on,  but they both were using - fentanyl and meth. Got so bad,  they weren't allowed to stay anywhere and were living out of her car (in my name). I became aware that he was physically abusive. Broke her teeth even. Then they wrecked the car and had to live in a tent.

I had already given her the option of rehab and was working with the facility to get her in the door. She finally accepted the opportunity as she had run out of options and detoxing in a tent in the summer heat proved too uncomfortable.

The thought of her not continuing treatment horrified me. Her plan is to reunite with her bf and try to maintain her sobriety with barely over a week of treatment,  no money, no transportation,  and in a house of a suspected drug dealer.  I filed an emergency order that was granted. A hearing has been set to decide the other petition for 30-90 day treatment.

As you might expect, this resulted in a hurricane of abuses over phone and text. I understand the anger. I frankly would be as well. I am so conflicted as I do believe in autonomy, but I have witnesssed so much self destruction on her part.

I was prepared that she will want to end our relationship.  But she cooled off and began speaking calmly with me again.  I listened as she told me her feelings.  I validated without agreeing.  But just yesterday when talking with her I realized that she doesn't quite understand that there is a real possibility of her being court ordered to stay there longer.

I am paralyzed,  unable to tell her,  so exhausted of the extreme emotions. She is on suicide watch because some of her messages signaled self harm. I am afraid of escalating her emotional state.

I also hate keeping it from her. She is an adult
even if a young one,  and I feel she has a right to understand her position.

So today I am in turmoil, not knowing exactly what to do.  If I'm doing the correct thing.  Flinching with every phone call and text message.

I am curious if anyone else has experience in this area and if they have anything to share.  I have heard that substance abuse disorder is very common with BPD.

Thank you for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Tharn, welcome to the group. This is a place that gets it -- how complicated it is to care for a young adult child with BPD, among other challenges.

You're navigating this the best you can -- trying to thread the needle of letting her make her own choices, and be responsible for the outcomes, with the knowledge that you can intervene a little more, and that you're willing to face the whirlwind of her emotional outbursts and stand strong for her health, while you still can.

I listened as she told me her feelings.  I validated without agreeing.  But just yesterday when talking with her I realized that she doesn't quite understand that there is a real possibility of her being court ordered to stay there longer.

I am paralyzed,  unable to tell her,  so exhausted of the extreme emotions. She is on suicide watch because some of her messages signaled self harm. I am afraid of escalating her emotional state.

I also hate keeping it from her. She is an adult
even if a young one,  and I feel she has a right to understand her position.

So today I am in turmoil, not knowing exactly what to do.

That's really incredible that you were able to validate her feelings and not "have to" agree with them. That's really positive and builds a good foundation in your relationship.

It makes sense that you're concerned that she isn't processing the reality that she might not just get to walk out the door there whenever she wants... that there may be emotional fallout from that.

I wonder if right now, you're looking at the situation as: "She doesn't know/doesn't understand that she may be kept there. It is my job to tell her about that possibility and to try to make her understand it."

Here's another way to look at it that you can consider:

You guys still talk on the phone, it sounds like. And, she's in treatment, therefore has a treatment team working with her.

What if, when you talk next, you encourage/remind her to talk with her treatment team about her exit timeline, and the various possible outcomes?

Like you're saying, she's a young adult, and you want to respect that. At the same time, she's having major challenges with basic life skills and processing mental information.

It would be treating her like a young adult to explicitly remind her to talk to her team. And, it would be respecting your role to not take responsibility for "trying to make her understand" the possibility that she'll be kept there. It doesn't have to be your job to tell her that possibility or to try to get her to understand it. It would be OK to support her by reminding her of her resources and then allowing her to experience either following up on the reminder, or not -- she takes responsibility for that choice.

You're allowed to just "be a parent" and keep listening, encouraging, and validating, without having to agree -- just like you did so well.

Curious what you think about that approach, if you think it'd be effective for you guys.

Keep us in the loop on how she's doing, and, of course, on how you're doing in all this. It sounds painfully difficult to watch your child in this situation.

-kells76

[Sancho]

Hi Tharn
Just reread your post and I just wanted to say I understand how it feels to be 'paralysed' in these situations.

I have just been through a period of dd in tent with bf (in freezing winter), into a house (complicated story) now back with me (looking shocking).

My dd came home a couple of years ago, separating from a bf - both with longstanding ice habit, domestic violence issues etc etc. She had just got a bit settled when the new situation - tent etc - started.

Now I don't know whether the way she looks is due to back on ice or a serious illness. I have booked a doctor appt for her for tomorrow (a new doctor she hasn't seen before, long story).

I understand the terrible feeling of having to talk to professionals so that they hopefully can understand the seriousness of the situation, and feeling like you are going behind dd's back and the possible explosive consequences of that.

It is a nightmare.

I agree with what Kells76 says in that you have put in a request but it is not your decision. If/when the order happens just focus on that - it was not your decision.

I come back to the 3 Cs when I am paralysed: I didn't cause this, I can't control it; I can't cure it.

My bottom line is dd has a room here she can come to if she needs to be safe. It is what I think I can offer (and dealing with someone coming off ice is a big deal!)

Try to breathe out your anxiety with the 3 Cs mantra. when the phone rings answer it after clearing your mind - you are just going to listen and validate (which you do well). You are there for dd but you are not in control of the decisions that are being made.

Thinking of you  . . . . .