Total Chaos - Cannot help anymore

[IMS]

I'm desperate for answers/solutions. My 29 year old son is about to be homeless and I cannot take him back home for now. He has shared accommodation over the last few years and flat mates come and go because of his behaviour and drug use. I took him in last year, just before he would have been homeless and it didn't end well. He violated each single rule I had, e.g. no drugs, no yelling/swearing/put-downs, helping around the house and family meals once a day if possible. Whilst living with me he was in psychosis once, hospitalised 5 times in 4 months due to o/d and ended up damaging my home. The police took out a DVO. Consequently he moved into another shared home but stopped paying rent and is now facing eviction. I love him so much and only have fond memories when he was a child. He was extremely active, always on the go, so smart, so gorgeous and loving. What I see now is not that person anymore. He had trauma in his life but seemed to do well after counselling. His father passed away when he was 2 years old and I suffered depression/anxiety for which I was treated successfully. Maybe I wasn't the mother he needed due to my depression? I'm blaming myself daily. 
I started to see changes in him around 15 years old when he was experimenting with drugs. He slowly became a different person. Eventually his anger has no boundaries and is all directed at me. His accusations have no limits and without failure all is my fault, I made him like that. That was the beginning of 13 years of misery, huge ups and downs, financial difficulties, loss of many friendships on  his part, many jobs he left becaue the boss/co-workers did something wrong. I myself got into financial trouble by "lending" him money time over again, one last time to fix up the mess he got himself into.
This is the first time I had to tell him he could not move back home. He was in psychiatric care last week due to suicide threats and I had to call 000. He was given a place in a sub-acute facility, checked himself in but is now refusing to go, that is whilst his homelessness is imminent. I'm beyond disappointed and sad as I wanted him to get professional help so desperately.
It breaks my heart that nobody so far has been able to help, including me. My health has deteriorated and I'm no longer able to deal with these extreme ups and downs, the chaos. I will be retired soon due to job loss and will not have the money to support him further with living costs. I have assured him time over again that I love him, I want him to do well and get better, that I will never leave him but he is not moving forward. He is sabotaging his own recovery. Where do I go from here?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Glad you were able to find the site, sorry you needed to find it.

I read your story a couple times, looking for that safe foothold from which I can see you starting your ascent and to be honest...it sounds like you're in a crushing circumstance. There's no easy way forward - but you've got experience in the not-so-easy life, it seems. A few thoughts, none of them genius.

a) It sounds like you weren't the root cause of his trauma but you know what was, and that the root cause is no longer around to bear the angry bitterness so it gets turned onto you instead. Even if the root cause were around, it's possible your son has such complicated feelings that he'd still choose to attack you as the easier target. Ultimately it doesn't really help to figure out whether you're the actual cause, or just his preferred claim of cause, because confronting his past isn't likely to help him in my experience...best to just keep things present/future oriented.

b) One of the unique facets I've discovered with BPD is the tendency to want/need to have a "nemesis". In a high-functioning BPD this might just be a half-friendly passive-aggressive rivalry, in a low-functioning BPD it's legitimately a nemesis and one side believes there's a blood feud centuries in the making...everything needs to be over-dramatic and epic. The "nemesis" bit, coming from what we term "splitting" (you're either God...or Satan, nothing in between) isn't really seen in normal schizophrenia, or in bipolar or other illnesses with which BPD is often linked/comorbid.

c) Sounds like you're his nemesis; the fact you're also the person helping him is actually normal - they have self-loathing and believe they're weak and pathetic and your help/pity/sympathy enrages them internally because they project onto you their own criticisms of themselves that they dare not attribute to themselves.

d) Could you look around your corner of the city for a rooming house to suggest to him, blunting the injury he feels by not being able to live with you? "I want you to live really close by so we can have dinners together and visit whenever you want without needing to bus", or something. It's likely he'd rather have a crappy room with a shared bathroom/kitchen that's near you, than an actual apartment of his own that's too far away to trauma-bond with you over his need to make you his love/hate object.

Please know you're not alone.

[SaltyDawg]

In addition to what Pearls said, here are a few more suggestions that you might find helpful.

Is that 'shared home' run by the government (I am not familiar with UK as I am live in the US)?  If it is run by the government (there are some 'group homes' in the US for recovering addicts run by local governments), you may want to approach the government agency that oversees the home, and explain your situation -- perhaps they can offer some additional resources and/or suggestions to assist your son.

Also, here in the US, several [not all] churches, synagogues, houses of worship, have programs for addicts.  Use your phone, and call them up and ask if they have any suggestions or can offer up any kind of help.  Most don't require a religious affiliation.

[IMS]

Hi Salty Dawg,
Thanks so much for reading my post and for replying. The biggest problem I have is that he is not willing to look at himself and his behaviour. He is not willing to connect with services and help himself. It's like you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. I've tried a million things but he is just not ready to help himself. He had a Government Agency lined up this week to house him in a sub-acute mental health facility with holistic care, including drug counselling, financial help, family therapy, practical help to get a pension or a part-time job. But he has refused to go. He'd rather sleep rough in his car. That's the most painful thing that he won't accept help. He has high expectations when it comes to housing. He wants complete privacy and I'm no longer able to help him after months of paying his rent for a house. Hence, my only option is to let him go and hopefully he will eventually change his mind. As I said he cannot live with us at home because of his behaviour and drug use. I can no longer accept that he violates all rules I have at home. Numerous flat mates left because of these reasons and he ended up alone in a house he couldn't pay rent for. I'm sad beyond belief and constantly think if there is anything else I could do for him, but there isn't. IMS.

[SaltyDawg]

IMS,

I feel your pain, sadness and anguish as a parent.  Unfortunately unless someone wants to be 'fixed' by connecting to available services he will not be fixed in that manner.  Unfortunately, I am going to be very blunt, it would appear that his version (no matter how illogical and irrational) of being fixed, it by using drugs to get his next 'fix'.  He will not get help until he hits 'his' bottom.  For some that is suicide by overdose -- I have a friend who is going through that right now as we speak, and she and her husband are completely devastated -- and they did all the right things, just as you are.

Since he is a drug user, do no give him money, also do not give him new clothing (use a thrift store and buy used if you must) or other things he cannot sell to get his next 'fix.'  I understand that he wants privacy; however, that allows for drug use; however, he will likely stay in his car due to this restriction.  Perhaps you will get lucky, if he gets so desperate for his next fix that he may commit a crime, gets caught, and is incarcerated -- at least you will know that he is 'safe' if he eventually winds up in prison -- however, he will likely lash out and blame you since you didn't provide for him.

If he becomes violent with you, you may have to do the unthinkable, report him to the authorities and get him incarcerated.  This will create a rift; however, he will still be alive, and may eventually come to forgive you.  Three years ago, I imprisoned my own daughter in a mental health hospital/facility for several months, if I didn't she would likely not be here with us today -- she has not yet forgiven me; however, we are on speaking terms, and are friendly to each other and she understands why I did it, and most importantly she is still in remission, alive, and well, and is thriving -- I am here today to tell you that there is hope, if you do this route.

However, do buy him food (inexpensive take-a-way that he likes, or home cooked of his favorite meal, and bring it to him).  If he has a cell phone, use an app like Life360 so you can monitor his location [set-it up while he is passed out, if he doesn't allow it to be installed straight away], so you can find him to do these things with him.  Be there to listen to him, do not abandon him.  If he doesn't have a cell phone, get him an older model with a cracked screen that still works (less likely to sell as these are inexpensive and he may not get enough money for his next drug fix) and pay for his phone plan [in your name not his, since it will be your phone, not his, so you can legally...(here in the US, not sure of the UK)], preload it with the tracking app(s) prior to giving it to him.  Also, be there as much as practical for him (I know winter is coming) in his space (in a park, under a bridge, or wherever that might be) -- do take necessary safety precautions (go in numbers, do not carry money, with your spouse, and/or a good friend, have them in visual range at all times, but out of normal conversational level earshot) it may likely mean you will be going out of your comfort zone [literally and figuratively] to help him.

Do be there for him -- even if he 'lashes out' at you.  Mental health patients will 'lash out' most at the ones they love the most.  Do be safe.  Do be there for him.  Do NOT lash back at him, and do not J.A.D.E. [Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain - unless he asks you to, and then, only then explain using a calm and reassuring voice and only use  "I" pronouns [avoid "you" and "but/however/etc."] like "I love you", "I am here for you", "I want the best for you", etc. only when he is a rational/sober state of mind.  Be truthful, and re-affirming, without crossing your boundaries [including the ones you have already stated where he cannot be home, since "My house rules should be followed" - let him figure out which ones he broke.  I know it will take several sentences, and a lot more effort to state - do not say "I love you; however, you broke _____ rule" as that can set off or trigger an emotionally challenged individual; however, do say something along the lines of "I want everyone to be treated with respect and should be well behaved" [which implies you will not insult ____] or "All who stay here should be sober" [which implies you will not be drunk/stoned/under the influence].

Do, attend (by yourself if necessary), any 12-steps programs that you have in your area, preferably one for drug use, or for alcoholics.  You need to meet others who have the same story you have, so you can get ideas on how to manage the situation that you currently find yourself in with your son.  This is also a good place to find a friend to go along with you while you visit your son.

Hopefully, you find my suggestions helpful -- I am just trying to keep it 'real' and offer some suggestions that you might find helpful.

Good luck, and I will be praying for you.