How to react to minor physical assault

[nl]

My daughter came into my room and yelled at me. When I stood up from my bed she pushed me backwards with both her hands on my chest. I was not at all hurt, but it is years since she has laid a hand on me. She is 24.

I told her to leave and she did. If this had happened 5 years ago I would have been actually joyous as to how little damage she did and that she just left when I asked her, so I feel grateful for that progress. I can't accept any physical violence in my home at all, and I don't know what I am going to do. Tell her to stay away for some period of time I suppose, I feel like a month is severe (enough) and I will miss her so much.

Would like to hear other people's thoughts on what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mary Jean]

I am so sorry that you have had such a hurtful experience.
I can only tell what I would do…. I would let some time go by
to give yourself some healing time. If my daughter wanted to meet with me , I would only do it briefly in a very public place and I would have a friend with me. In our house we have
a strict 0% tolerance for any abuse. If there is anything verbal, emotional and especially physical the abuser will need to leave immediately. I hope you are very careful and really take good care of yourself.  I know how painful this is, but strong boundaries are needed in these kind of situations I think.

[Sancho]

Hi nl
Just wondering how long it is since anything like this has happened? From what you say, there have been incidents in the past that were more major compared to this.

It is a good sign that she was able to leave. I suspect that your message of no violence in my home has got through to her. She was clearly wound up and I suspect the push was impulsive and may have surprised her.

Does a time of 'no contact' work for you ie have you tried this before and was it successful? Does dd apologise at all?

It is difficult to know if the month of no contact is the best option on the information in your post.

The good news is that the incident has shown you that some progress has been made, and hopefully by doing what you are doing, progress will continue.

[nl]

Thank you both. The last time there was any physical violence was 3 years ago and it was extreme. She never apologised for that or really even accepted it had happened, but she never did anything like it again. When she was younger there were a few violent episodes that I always reacted to with zero tolerance. This time was just a push and I asked her to leave. Since then she has started to post things on the internet about me abusing her. She directly accuses me of physical abuse and insinuates sexual abuse. I can't believe how calmly am I writing these words. My skin is so thick now. This is different because she is saying these things on facebook where my friends, family, colleagues can see. I cannot see her posts because she blocked me, but I am being contacted by angry friends telling me I cannot put up with this any more and it has got to stop. My feelings are a mixture of being desperate to protect her from publicly outing herself as ... whatever this is, and also I want to protect myself and just have a day without any abuse. She is dating my lodger. I will have to ask him to leave.

[Sancho]

Hi nl
I've been really struck by your words 'I can't believe how calmly am I writing these words. My skin is so thick now.'

We are a group of people who endure physical and verbal abuse, accusations of awful abuse - just to mention a few of the challenges we face from our BPD children.

It took me a long time to understand the significance of the word 'borderline'. The weird accusations and the way a torrent of foul abuse can come from dd's mouth - straight at me!

I understand now that my dd lives on the 'border' of reality a lot of the time - especially when anything - and I mean anything - raises her level of anxiety or stress.

It is a truly awful illness.

You clearly love your dd very much. You will miss her if you have a break for a month. Not only are our BPD children living on the border, we also have to live torn between the love we have for our children, and the extraordinarily difficult lives that we live. We get pushed to the limit time and time again.

We try to protect our children from the harsh judgements of others. I found/find this very difficult because people don't understand BPD. Most of the time though I can let go of thinking about that. Most people just see my dd as a 'druggie' and someone who needs to 'pull herself together'.

They have no idea . . . . . .          

I don't know what the 'right' way to handle your situation would be. But I think you will decide what is right in your situation, because you have been dealing with this for a long time, and you love your dd very much. . .