Exhausted and guilty

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 40 YO BPD daughter is 21 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child -- no fathers in common, but she has been in a committed relationship with the father of this child for about 18 months, though it has of course been a rocky road with at least one knock-down, drag-out where she kicked him out about a month ago, though he is now back (his mental health is also in question). Her prenatal labs (which she had later than recommended because she had no insurance of course and had to wait for Medicaid to kick in), showed high risk for Down syndrome several weeks ago. On Monday her ultrasound thankfully didn't show any obvious signs of Down's, though that does not rule it out for sure (she won't get an amnio); however, even worse, the child has hypoplastic left heart syndrome. This is an EXTREMELY serious heart condition, requiring 3 major surgeries, one right after birth with normally a several week to several month stay in the NICU, another a year or two later, and not sure when the 3rd is required. Some children require transplants, many don't survive, and many have poor health and qualify of life, though some do well. My issue is that I am EXHAUSTED. I have been picking up the pieces forever; she was abusive to her firstborn, a boy who is now 20 and has been living with me for several years, and is doing well -- in recovery from serious drug abuse with associated legal issues, in school, and working. The 2nd child is a 9 YO girl who has dyslexia, but is bright, beautiful, happy, and seemingly fairly well adjusted, though she occasionally drops comments about things at home or says 'don't tell Mommy, but ..." . My relationship with my daughter has been mostly positive over the past couple of years, I had finally processed the end of my marriage 4 years ago, the death of my mother around the same time, then the death of my father, the death of a best friend, all while going through 3 joint replacements and then COVID, and I was beginning to relax and think I could enjoy life again without some major upheaval related to my daughter. But nope. I know I will be expected to 'be there' for her, to help with the younger child while the seriously ill baby is recovering in the hospital and will likely have countless doctor and therapy appointments once home, and I simply don't want to. Am I expected to give up my entire life forever? I know I need to set boundaries, but what boundaries are appropriate in a case like this? Am I allowed to say "you need to make arrangements" because I simply can't do it? I really just want to run away. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Atlmags]

My 40 YO BPD daughter is 21 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child -- no fathers in common, but she has been in a committed relationship with the father of this child for about 18 months, though it has of course been a rocky road with at least one knock-down, drag-out where she kicked him out about a month ago, though he is now back (his mental health is also in question). Her prenatal labs (which she had later than recommended because she had no insurance of course and had to wait for Medicaid to kick in), showed high risk for Down syndrome several weeks ago. On Monday her ultrasound thankfully didn't show any obvious signs of Down's, though that does not rule it out for sure (she won't get an amnio); however, even worse, the child has hypoplastic left heart syndrome. This is an EXTREMELY serious heart condition, requiring 3 major surgeries, one right after birth with normally a several week to several month stay in the NICU, another a year or two later, and not sure when the 3rd is required. Some children require transplants, many don't survive, and many have poor health and qualify of life, though some do well. My issue is that I am EXHAUSTED. I have been picking up the pieces forever; she was abusive to her firstborn, a boy who is now 20 and has been living with me for several years, and is doing well -- in recovery from serious drug abuse with associated legal issues, in school, and working. The 2nd child is a 9 YO girl who has dyslexia, but is bright, beautiful, happy, and seemingly fairly well adjusted, though she occasionally drops comments about things at home or says 'don't tell Mommy, but ..." . My relationship with my daughter has been mostly positive over the past couple of years, I had finally processed the end of my marriage 4 years ago, the death of my mother around the same time, then the death of my father, the death of a best friend, all while going through 3 joint replacements and then COVID, and I was beginning to relax and think I could enjoy life again without some major upheaval related to my daughter. But nope. I know I will be expected to 'be there' for her, to help with the younger child while the seriously ill baby is recovering in the hospital and will likely have countless doctor and therapy appointments once home, and I simply don't want to. Am I expected to give up my entire life forever? I know I need to set boundaries, but what boundaries are appropriate in a case like this? Am I allowed to say "you need to make arrangements" because I simply can't do it? I really just want to run away. Thanks for letting me vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Aralia]

Altmags I read your post over and over. I have no words. My bpder is 20 and I can't imagine another 20 years of this. It sounds like you need to step away and take care of yourself. Put your own oxygen mask on first, so to speak. I hope the newborn will be okay and you find a source of emotional support.

[SaltyDawg]

I 2nd what Aralia says...