Ideas for how to respond here?

[zondolit]

Hello,

How might I respond to the following from my husband after I'd told the children it was past their bedtime and they needed to go to bed, and they responded with protests but did grudgingly go to bed?

"I saw you intimidating the children last night with your body. I need you to promise you will stop that."

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[Aralia]

Hi Zondolit I do not know much about your situation but my initial reaction would be to find a time to calmly have the conversation. And then I would probably start by saying I was just trying to get them to go to bed and ask what about my behavior did he think was intimidating. And the whole time my manner would be one of concern rather than defensive.

Your post brings me back to my own childhood when my siblings and I would get hit by our dad for not going to bed when he said. I remember the scolding fingers in my face. Perhaps your husband has a triggering memory.

[Notwendy]

Do you think there's any truth in this statement or it was him projecting or a way to get into a circular argument at night after the kids were in bed and you were available? These things tend to happen at night- perhaps not on purpose but a way to interact and also for him to process difficult feelings.

A couple of rules (for you, these are your boundaries) to keep in mind:

No serious discussions late at night. When people are tired, they are least able to resist reacting and not having these discussions. You were tired and vulnerable.

Not reacting to projections, snarky comments. These comments do get to you- as they are something you care about, your parenting. Your job is to see them as perhaps a way to gain attention, not necessarily true. When you hear them, mentally substitute something absurd. If your H called you a "pink elephant" would you react to that? Or you would decide that makes no sense and not defend it.

Some sample responses. " I hear what you said honey, I need to think about it".
"I hear what you said honey, but it's late and I am tired, so I'd prefer to discuss this earlier in the day another time". If he persists, repeat what you said. If he continues, then he's seeking an argument and you need to walk away saying "honey, I understand your concern and I heard you, I am just too tired to discuss it right now. I'm going to go downstairs and make some tea and then try to go to sleep" and then disengage.

Note, the lack of the word "you" in any of this. It's not about him, it's your response.

Chances are, if he was just projecting in the moment, he won't bring it up. If he does, one response is "I'd like to discuss this with my T- my T can help me with parenting suggestions". I don't see where discussing this topic with him will resolve anything. He's not a parenting expert.

If you do feel that bedtime is a struggle, consult someone who can help with suggestions. We tend to bring our own childhood dynamics into our parenting. If your H has parents who were stern and intimidating this may have reminded him of that. If bedtime is a frequent struggle, then a counselor can suggest ways to handle that in a different manner.


 

[zondolit]

Thanks, Aralia and Notwendy. I'm sorry, Aralia, for how your father treated you.

I don't believe there was anything intimidating nor wrong with what I did telling the children to go to bed. I often feel my husband hates boundaries of any sort. If there was any trigger for him this may have been it--me standing firm that it was bedtime when the children protested. Additionally, any distress from the children--things that I expect as a parent, like push back on helping around the house--seems to make him very uncomfortable and he reacts by blaming me for hurting the children.

I've tried to ask my husband what bedtime was like for him as a child since this has been one (of many!) struggles for us, but he seems to remember nothing. In general he says he raised himself, so rather than the stern parent ordering him to bed he may have simply been neglected. This is all speculation. I have fond memories of my parents putting me to bed when I was young. When I was older, I was likely sent to bed too early--this was to give my parents time alone--but I don't remember being bothered by this. My sister and I shared a room and would talk for a long time before falling asleep.

For the last year, I've been very firm about not engaging in any difficult conversations when it is late. (You can see my post about leaving for a hotel one night. That did the trick!) Perhaps this is why my husband didn't say anything until the next morning. A partial victory?

What I actually did to respond was pause and then say, I'm going to go eat breakfast, which I did. He didn't pursue the discussion. Still, I feel badly ignoring someone who just told me I did something that I think is a serious problem (intimidating the children). When am I supposed to engage this and see if there's anything to learn and when do I just shrug it off--that pink elephant that I am not and don't need to waste any [more] energy engaging with?

At the very least, I could improve my response by saying first, as you say, Notwendy, "I hear you." And then go eat breakfast.

I don't see where discussing this topic with him will resolve anything. He's not a parenting expert.

Ah, I've used this not with parenting but with advice he gives me for myself. For quite a while now I've responded by saying I'll take the issue to my therapist and follow her advice. I show I am open to and interested in advice and feedback while disengaging from his "advice." This has been very helpful.

[Notwendy]

For the last year, I've been very firm about not engaging in any difficult conversations when it is late. (You can see my post about leaving for a hotel one night. That did the trick!) Perhaps this is why my husband didn't say anything until the next morning. A partial victory?

What I actually did to respond was pause and then say, I'm going to go eat breakfast, which I did. He didn't pursue the discussion. Still, I feel badly ignoring someone who just told me I did something that I think is a serious problem (intimidating the children). When am I supposed to engage this and see if there's anything to learn and when do I just shrug it off--that pink elephant that I am not and don't need to waste any [more] energy engaging with?

At the very least, I could improve my response by saying first, as you say, Notwendy, "I hear you." And then go eat breakfast.

Ah, I've used this not with parenting but with advice he gives me for myself. For quite a while now I've responded by saying I'll take the issue to my therapist and follow her advice. I show I am open to and interested in advice and feedback while disengaging from his "advice." This has been very helpful.

I think your response- take it to your T is a good one.

Not all of his comments require a discussion. The discomfort on your part may not be matched by his.

PwBPD have difficulty managing emotions- projecting them outward is a way to manage them. Once the anger, or snarky comment is done, so are the feelings- they have projected them. They feel better but you don't.

The way you put the kids to bed somehow caused your H discomfort- maybe from his own childhood or some other reason-so he made the comment. It's possible that this is all that was needed on his part. Sometimes after this, the issue is done for them. You bringing it up isn't necessary. If he brings it up again, your response- take it to your T - is probably enough.

[SaltyDawg]

NotWendy has excellent advise on this -- so I won't repeat that.

However, when my uBPDw does something similar, I feel that she does it to 'get under my skin'; however, with my pwBPD is splitting, it is a cognitive distortion for her [in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) it is called an ANT (Automatic Negative Thought) and my W can't help herself doing that.  If your husband is doing the same, it is how BPD's process what they are seeing and react emotionally instantly without thinking about it.

I usually wait until the following day, tell her I forgive her, and give her a hug.  I know that I can't change her, and I do what I can to minimize the impact towards the children as at the moment they are my first priority.