What do I owe my daughter?

[KB81435]

Brand new to this forum. On a plane home from accompanying my 26 year old daughter to an assessment program designed to identify physical and mental health issues and potential treatments. She’s been feeling terrible for many months. History of depression/anxiety. The past two years have been extremely difficult…several practitioners have noted to me that her behavior is consistent with BPD. She has ADD (diagnosed at 17) and also seems to have physical health challenges that cause serious exhaustion. After finally agreeing to the assessment, she arrived and refused to participate at all … became (as she frequently is) verbally abusive in the extreme. For the first time I felt unsafe (she dumped the contents of a water glass on me). I’ve told her we are withdrawing financial support because of her long history of quitting/refusing treatment and her abusive behavior toward her family (me, dad, sister). We haven’t withheld  financial support before, and I’m pulling back emotionally also. I’ve been stressed and upset on a regular basis for almost two years. She consistently comes to me and won’t interact with her dad.  I feel like we should have held more boundaries in the past, but even now with this last straw I feel guilty and very sad and worried (she talks frequently about not wanting to be alive but has no history to date of self harm aside from not caring for her health). Is it fair to keep the boundaries when she reaches out (which she usually does after angry outbursts), until she agrees to treatment? It won’t happen without help judging by the past two years. And I’m exhausted and depleted.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Aralia]

Edited see below

[Aralia]

Hi KB there are some posters on this board who write really lovely and thoughtful replies and hopefully one of them will weigh in. Cause I usually tap the replies out on my phone and this is my response: OMG. How frustrating. All the trouble and expense and she won't do the treatment. I'd want to toss her out the plane at this moment.

But to get back to your question, I think most of us don't owe our kids anything once they turn 18. Most of us want our kids to feel better and we want a healthier relationship with them and we're upset when they're upset. And you must be that kind of parent too which us why you brought her to treatment and why you are here.

I don't know your situation but I am puzzled by all the professionals who diagnosed her yet don't seem to be able to help your daughter understand she needs treatment.

Telling your daughter that you will withdraw financial support unless she seeks treatment is probably the best thing you can do but you need to really follow through (can you?) And you need to do it skilfully and without getting angry or upset at any point which is going to be really really hard. Maybe you could find a family therapist to help you deliver the news.

But in terms of owing--you and your husband owe it to yourselves to resist being dragged into her world and to preserve your own sanity.

[KBug]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this.  It's an emotional roller coaster. You are in the right place on this forum. We understand and won't think that you are a terrible person for setting tough boundaries.  Most people here encourage them.

Setting boundaries is really important with people with BPD.  However, there will likely be consequences like anger, cutting off contact, false accusations, etc. If you are not already seeing a therapist knowledgeable about BPD, I would start seeing one.  It really helped me to get a better peace of mind, set and maintain boundaries, and deal more productively with abusive behavior. I'm still occasionally sad, angry, and hurt, but it's not so overwhelming most of the time.

We set boundaries with our 24yo. In order to live with us, she can't be verbally abusive, and must be either in school, working, or in intensive therapy. This means that she lives with us for a while and then goes no contact with us for a while while she lives with her mom. She'll be in contact with us/living with us for 6 months or so and then out of contact for 6 months to a year. She crossed such major boundary recently that she's not allowed to be alone with us or live with us, and for the foreseeable future this will likely be the situation. The 3 Cs really help me through these difficulties (I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it). We can only control ourselves. I see the boundaries as teaching her how to adult and how to have a relationships. I also see them as protecting my well being emotionally and financially.

Ours is about to be homeless, we think. She not allowed to live with us (dad and stepmom) and either won't or can't live with her mom. She's using a former boyfriend for a place to live but something's going on there because she's been asking family members if she can move in with them. No one will let her move in because past actions and false accusations have lead them not to trust her. It's hard watching from afar what's going on but we won't put ourselves in danger having her at our house. We're hoping that the tough spot she's in will encourage her to get a better job or go back to school. Part of me really wants to help her, but I don't want to cheat her out of growth from experiencing the adult consequences for her adult actions. She's very intelligent and when she's on her meds and in therapy, she does fairly well. She goes off her meds because she doesn't like the way they make her feel (but from my perspective appears to feel so much better and is functional on them) or she thinks she doesn't need them anymore. She stops therapy when she gets to close to something painful and she accuses them of gaslighting her. My guess based on my interactions with her in talking about her problems is that she only wants to blame everyone else and doesn't want to work on her own role in the problems. Anyway, we can't 'fix' this for her. We can only set boundaries and control how we react to her and interact with her.

[KB81435]

Thank you very much for this thoughtful post. Sounds very close to our situation and I appreciate your sharing and your advice. I have been looking for a therapist with BPD experience and am sure to find one and take advantage of that support. (PS couldn't figure out how to control my text size...sorry)