Helping children of a narcissist

[Annie77]

My ex daughter-in-law has not been diagnosed but has almost every characteristic of a nbpd.  Are there any books that I can get for the grandchildren, ages 7 and 12, that can help them understand why their mother’s behavior is inappropriate?  I’m trying to help these girls so they do not end up like their mother.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Annie77
I don't know of any specific books but there are online resources/sites that would be good for teenagers who are struggling with a parent with a personality disorder. You might find looking at the section for those with a parent with bpd here will give you some leads

About 18 months ago my gd refused to spend time with her dad/sm. In all the argy bargy after her decision, one thing her father yelled at me was that he had hoped that gd wouldn't turn out like her mum. Bizarre as it sounds, gd found the attitude of her step mum towards her was intolerable and even the chaos of life with mum and me! Personally I think the step mum has done a lot of psychological damage - and it will be a long process to unwind that.

I hope that gd doesn't have the same misfortune as her mum in developing BPD  too - but it is something that is not just environmentally based. There are many factors involved.

I am not sure from what you say how much contact you have with your grandchildren. From my personal experience I tread very carefully in relating to my gd because it is a natural 'triangulation' situation. I can't control what gd tells her mum or how things will develop as gd enters the teenage years.

There is also in your case the position of their dad, your son. Would he be okay about you giving them material on personality disorders?

When we see what these disorders look like we feel so anxious about protecting our young ones from going down that path. But there are many things that are out of our control.

I focus on 'being there' as they say for gd - being a place when she can relax and express her feeling if/when she wants to. Perhaps you could discuss with your son what sort of responses you should make if a grandchild brings up their mother's behaviour? That way you would be on the same page, and it is also a protection for yourself.

I don't have a clear idea of your situation so these comments might be wildly off line! The grandparent role is very tricky and if you read through some of the posts here, things can change overnight - something very, very minor is said or done that sets off the parent and the children are withdrawn.

For me it is like being a tightrope artist . . .