My Grandchildren are struggling

[SeeksPeace]

Hi everyone - I have been struggling with the effects of having a daughter with BPD for many years and it has been a very lonely and heartbreaking experience. She has 2 kids and she has been largely successful in making sure they didn't see her when she was having an episode. They know her as a very emotional but nurturing and loving mother. Until the past year or so. They are now 12 and 15 and they are starting to become challenging to her as they attempt to become more independent. They are unwittingly starting to challenge her and don't know that they are triggering her insecurities about herself. They both witnessed a complete breakdown last weekend that developed after an argument with the 15 year old escalated.
I don't live in the same city and both children were calling me, very distraught, not knowing what had happened or what to do. Fortunately she is still close with a man who she was in a relationship with and they called him to come and help them.
Here's my dilemma - I am in so much pain as I watch my daughter start to breakdown in front of her kids. They are traumatized and don't know what the hell happened to Mom, and they are now terrified it's going to happen again. Which, now that the ice is broken, it most likely will.
Are they old enough to know what is wrong with their Mom? Who should tell them? Me? I just tried to explain it simply: Your Mom just got overly emotional and she lost control. It's like a thunderstorm. Let her cry herself out and she will be fine soon. Don't worry, it's going to be ok.
But normal people don't break down like borderlines do and they sense that there is something very wrong.
What is the best thing I can do to help them understand what is going on? It is very difficult to discuss borderline with my daughter because I am a big trigger for her. I walk on eggshells so that I can stay in my grandkids lives and provide some model of stability for them. I don't think she would appreciate me telling them about it. I would truly appreciate some feedback on this. Thank you in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Thanks for writing in. 

As grandparents, it is extra hard watching the affects of BPD on grandchildren.  While I am not a grandmother myself at this time, there are grandparents here who have been through and can probably tell you how they handle this.

Telling the grands about your daughter... that is tricky.   You will risk the mother finding out and no telling how she will react ( cutting their contact off with you, etc).  Would you visiting them / them visiting you out of the question?   I say this as maybe a cooling off period may help?
 Would you know if the male friend knows about your daughter's bpd?   I have to ponder this more, but meanwhile I am sure others will write in. 

[Sancho]

Hi SeeksPeace
I have been thinking a lot about the questions you ask:

Are they old enough to know what is wrong with their Mom? Who should tell them? Me?

I struggle with this quite a lot, though my situation is very different (dd and gd living with me, though dd comes and goes). Up until the past 2 years dd was mostly not at home, so gd really didn't have the full exposure to the bpd symptoms.

My personal opinion from my experience is that I wouldn't do or say anything that risks the fact that you are in your grandchildren's lives. It is so easy for a bpd child to just cut us out of the grandchildren's lives, and then they become more isolated with the bpd parent.

Having said that, were your grandchildren physically threatened at all?

I think my gd has observed me 'greystone rock' -ing when dd is abusive towards me because she mentioned to me that a boyfriend of her mum kept on talking and engaging with her when he should have been quiet because he was making it worse.

I think you have made a really good start - the thunderstorm etc - so would it be a good idea to focus on helping them deal with it ( you have dealt with it for many years so are the best person for this).

 I don't think it should be you who explains the illness - I think it's too risky (I can imagine an upset teenager saying to her mum 'Well Nan says . . . ). But I think you can make those general statements like 'Some people have very strong emotions and there are different options in how we can respond'.

I think this is what you have been doing. As I say you have done well to get this far and I think if you can focus on keeping the lines of communication open for a while longer it will mean your grandchildren will be supported into adulthood - a great achievement.