I'm new to any support group, but recently have become increasingly desperate, so I am hoping someone here can give me some insight into what is going on & whether it sounds like BPD. If so, how should I proceed... carry on trying to make contact, or cut contact altogether.
Here goes...
My 38-year old son has stopped all communication with me for the last 2+ years and I suspect he may have a personality disorder.
He has stopped us from seeing our 3 granddaughters too (they are 6, 4, and 2), & seems to be controlling his wife in this. She sends photos etc. of them to us. People who have spoken to her say she is sympathetic to us & has spoken to him many times, but he will not change his mind.
Our other two children & family members do not want to challenge him about this, as they are afraid they will receive the same treatment.
My feelings swing between feeling that I can live with it & be patient until his children grown up. Other times I cannot get thoughts of suicide out of my mind, as life does not seem to have any point.
The estrangement stemmed from a conversation with him in Aug 2020. He & his wife have been staying with us at our house & had had a lovely two-week holiday. I had even slept on the sofa every night, so that they could have our bedroom.
He asked me why me & my husband weren't more proud of his achievements at work (he has a £100K job). I told him I was impressed by his achievements, but kindness impressed me more.
He has been extremely unkind to us in the recent past, and I wanted to try and find out why:
- He has phoned me multiple times, shouting until I cried, not giving up
- He has previously had spells of ignoring us for 6 months at a time & we have no idea why
- He has threatened to withhold his children from us before; we didn't visit him for 6 months because we had committed to building an extension to a deadline for our daughter's wedding
- He's come into our house in a very aggressive way and told us ‘how it's going to be', describing our relationship in business terms as if on a presentation chart
- His wife had asked us to their house to try & reconcile & he totally ignored us, leaving her to entertain us
- As a teenager at school he used to take delight together with his 'friends' in ignoring one of the boys. Every time the boy spoke, they ignored him as if he didn't exist... for 2 weeks or so at a time.
- He has cut multiple friends out of his life if they did something he disagreed with - they are 'dead to him' as he calls it & will not allow any discussion about it.
He became very angry and also emotional. He had a weird panic attack, where he told me he thought there was something seriously wrong with him (yelling at me again), then told some blatant lies in front of his wife.. then they left.
He walked out, and I didn't hear from him for two months (this was 2020). He called me out of the blue when he was having a panic attack & asked me to come immediately - his wife had had a difficult labour and he needed me.
It was a six-hour drive, but I left immediately to see him. He was glad to see me & had also summoned our eldest son, who also dropped everything. He told me he didn't want to talk about anything.
Initially all was fine but then he seemed to go quiet, & a day or so later, asked when I was leaving.
He has completely cut me off since then - 2 years ago.
I have continued to try to communicate with him... sending him emails telling him that I love him and want to talk about whatever he wants to or alternative doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to.
I have messaged him telling him how low the situation is making me feel.
There has only been one reply from him - I asked his wife if we could come & see the children and she didn't reply. He replied on her behalf, just before I said we were coming, telling me that it would not be possible to see the children and that she found it difficult to say 'no'.
We have tried to communicate through a professional Mediator. He did speak with her, but the only message that came back was that I have turned into the same type of person as my husband.
I have tried to telephone & FT him, but he doesn't pick up.
My husband has also tried to call both of them and left voicemails.
His wife did call my husband & was crying, telling him that the situation was distressing her.
She said that the gist of the disagreement is that we think he isn't a kind person.
I have continued to send the children presents on Birthdays, at Christmas as well as just randomly, and his wife sends me photos & videos as thank you, and will message me back on WhatsApp, which reinforces my belief that she is not really in agreement with his course of action.
As far as I am aware, I have been nothing but kind to him all of his life; always being there physically and emotionally.
His father was not affectionate with him, which I know he wanted & maybe I over-compensated.
Also, our marriage was difficult & I was often upset. I am sure my son saw this and it fuelled his dislike of his father.
Before he cut off all communication, I saw him disciplining his children in quite an aggressive way (given their ages - 2 & 4 at the time) shouting at them in a tone which I found scary. It has occurred to me that he wants me out of the way, so that he has no-one who is observing this behaviour.
Does anyone think any of this seems familiar? If so, what should I do?
Thank you in advance.
