I got it all wrong My wife never had BPD and I gaslighted her.

[sam_the_wise]

1.5 years in our marriage, I took a u turn on a key agreement between me and my wife, which revealed a loophole in my ideology of being anti caste (indian equivalent of race), and of separation from my parents because they are castiest (racist), misogynistic and patriarchal. My wife belongs to oppressed caste while I come from the oppressor caste. This ideology was the basis of the marriage, and her safety. I showed the loophole by saying that I would like to have my parents visit us, which threatened everything. This was the shock of her life and she was was dealing with doubts and questions about my trustworthiness.

Even though in the weeks when our therapist suggested and got my wife tested, we didn’t fight over the u-turn except for a couple of fights, all the other fights were all result of how much I had shocked her with my actions. The shock, and the intuitions that this is not a loophole but a revelation that my entire ideology can shift was eating her and she wanted to ask me accountability of it, that why I did it? How could I do it to her? I had breached her trust in the worst possible way and she wanted to know, I who love her the most and and whom she  has given all her love, betray her like that? She was grieving and suffering. Even when she was angry with me about things unrelated to this she was driven to the edge because of my betrayal and all these feelings.

I on the other hand instead of being accountable and answering all her questions, showing humility and being aware of her hurt state, fought with her on all those unrelated things. I yelled  and acted in vindictive manner showing to her in my doing so that I don’t consider the betrayal as a cardinal sin which should make me eternally answerable to your questions and all the anxieties related or unrelated. For her the betrayal was like a woman suffering miscarriage her pain was that huge and I should have understood it as such and acted with kindness, compassion, responsibility and humility. I acted exactly opposite way, in all those fights which were unrelated, I was selfish, ferocious, obnoxious and very arrogant.

I understand now why she called me arrogant and selfish so many times which didn’t make sense with the fights we were having. Her saying that was not related to those small fights we were having, but it was about how I am selfish that I am focusing only on myself don’t understand her pain at all, and knowing that I am the one who caused the pain, instead of just being meek and repentant, how I am arrogant and obnoxious. I always thought it in terms of the exact issue we are fight about but it was always about the betrayl, I understand it now.

So like a husband who I doesn’t care about pain of his wife suffering through trauma of miscarriage and treats her reactions as a madness, I did something similar. This exacerbated the fights and how she felt in those weeks before and during the test. The therapist diagnosed her with BPD and I bought it. I wanted to be absolved of any blame of my betrayal so I readily accepted her diagnosis.

She fitted in the symptoms of BPD but someone with real pain and being abandoned by the one they love can make them see things black and white.

[Turkish]

sam,

What I know is only what I've learned from Desi coworkers, like my former partner and her husband were a love match, from the same upper caste, but that her family was from an upper sub-caste wasn't as rich because her father died young. So it balanced out even if it was questionable at first. I can't imagine dealing with over 2000 years of cultural inertia...

You want to move in your parents because of love and duty. Did they disapprove of your marriage to your wife? Your initial agreement sounds like you validated her cultural trauma, and that agreement was a cornerstone of your marriage.

It sounds like you feel guilty for traumatizing her... but it also sounds like she carried that pain into your marriage, which had nothing specifically to do with you, unless you accept guilt for being born into your family of which you had no choice.

[ForeverDad]

Wow, I wasn't tracking your posts so I'll just post some initial thoughts.  In my family I tried to be a peace maker.  Didn't always work so well but in my defense... that is my personality.  So here goes...

Whether she has BPD or not, just set that aside for now.  View it as "Who knows?"  Set aside diagnostic labels and just work on calming the emotions, prior missteps and see whether the relationship can be repaired.

It sounds like the conflict arose because of pressures from outside the marriage of two people.  What caused the distress?  Did the parents want to move in?  Was there some indication they (your parents) overstepped boundaries and were controlling?  Or was it her fear they would be controlling or condemning?  Was there basis for that?

It may be too soon to totally disregard the counselor's conclusion.  Yes, set it aside for now until you can determine for yourself how the conflict arose, whether perceptions can be adjusted between you and your wife, and whether the marriage can be repaired with normal "give and take" that marital success requires.

If you were wrong at first, it is healthy to acknowledge that (though your culture may influence how you handle it) but you also need to resist the tendency to appease too much if not appropriate.