my Daughter

[Nhie5]

She is 22 years old lives in her own apt about 1 hour away - has depression and an eating disorder - is now in the binging stage of the eating disorder not purging but feels like she is the ugliest fattest person alive and I have seen a pattern based on listening to one of the eggshell books that she threatens suicide every two weeks - I don't know how to handle it - she does it through text - sending me pictures of what she is going to do - if I threaten police she says she will disown me - if I don't answer her text she gets verbally abusive and doesn't stop calling or texting ... called the police and she refused to go to the hospital - I don't know how to set up boundaries in this case

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello nashie5, welcome to the group. We're glad you're reaching out for help -- what a weight is on your shoulders with your D22 constantly both threatening suicide and then threatening you if you try to do anything about the threat.

It's good that she is living away from you. It would probably be pretty volatile if you two were living together, I imagine.

If she's 22, is she in college/university? Working? Other?

Can I ask, does she have an official diagnosis? Is she in any kind of treatment, for the ED or anything else? If so (or if she had been in the past), was she receptive to treatment? I'm wondering if she sees a therapist and has been able to stay in therapy?

Setting boundaries with loved ones can be difficult and uncomfortable, as it might be a change from how things were. The nice thing is, boundaries -- real boundaries -- don't require anyone else to cooperate or agree, as they aren't ultimatums. Real boundaries are about what we are OK with letting into our life.

Have you checked out our workshop on Boundaries and Values yet? It's truly OK to not know where to start with setting up boundaries for yourself! Everyone begins as a beginner. Check it out and we can keep talking through how boundaries might look for you, as you cope with your D22's exhausting behaviors.

-kells76

[Nhie5]

Hi Kells76

She is working she loves her job. She was only told at a hospital when she threatened suicide that she had borderline, not sure if that would be an official diagnosis. She is right now going through mental hunger with her eating disorder and is working with a binge eating specialist and an eating disorder therapist. She has talked also talked to a psychologist that has prescribed her Wellbutrin. Thank you yes I will check out the workshop. Also, I have noticed that there is a pattern to the suicide threats - it happens around every 2 weeks - Now I do have one more question - she had the last one a week ago and now has been basically pretty good - do I bring it up to her or no - she hasn't said anything about it so I am not sure what is the correct thing to do. I also feel like I am the only person she does this to. My husband ( not her dad) thinks that she can control it in her normal daily life but says it all for me - as if she hates me -

[Sancho]

Hi Nashie5
In answer to your question, in my opinion I wouldn't bring it up. There is a lot of positives in your dd's life - she loves her job and has some supports re eating disorder.

The suicide threats sure sound like BPD - and also the targeting of one person, usually the one they are most dependent on.

I wonder if changing the way you see these texts would help. When someone sends texts of how they are going to commit suicide to another, it really places that person in a terrible position of responsibility. But you are being cornered - you can't do anything about it.

In my case I had to let go of the responsibility of doing anything about the threats. My dd threatened often but never attempted (I think it is a very different situation when someone attempts even once).

It got to a point where one day dd walked past me with a rope to go upstairs (bf was upstairs and they had had a row). I didn't respond.

In my opinion BPD folk need someone to unleash all the emotional turmoil/anger on. Sometimes I think to myself that I am a 'therapy session' for dd to unload on.

People without bpd can rationally talk about a problem or difficulty but with bpd it is emotional turmoil that builds up and explodes. But it does release things and perhaps your dd gets to this point once a fortnight and then lets it explode on you.

If this is the pattern then there may come a fortnight when she is coping better and may not need to do this.

I think while it is threats perhaps step back from the responsibility and try greystone rock responses to allow dd to find her own way to come through this (with others such as a therapist taking the support role if possible)

[Nhie5]

thank you that's awesome advice...

[Aralia]

Nashie5, my dd has an eating disorder too.  I find the ED people are very focused on ED and while they may acknowledge co-occurring conditions, they have not been super helpful in dealing with them.  I'm talking about the eating specialists and nutritionists.  In the residential treatment programs, even the clinicians are hyper focused on ED since that's their mandate.  So I am wondering if there is anyone helping your daughter who is treating the bigger picture. Have you considered telling her current therapists that she texts you suicide threats every two weeks?  They might not have permission to talk to you, but you can just tell them.

[Nhie5]

hi - I actually contacted her psychologist but she never reached back out - but the only reason I hesitate to say anything is that I am worried they might drop her because she is a risk - and it is a virtual psychologist

[Aralia]

Nashie5 I reread your post and what you are going through sounds awful. Also Kells and Sancho always contribute wise perspectives.

What your daughter is doing by texting you pictures sounds extreme.  And it sounds like she is reserving her deepest pain just for you. And she just might be using these texts to get a reaction she craves from you.

But I do think you need to consider the binging and the wellbutrin. They considerably raise the stakes. The binging can put them in the absolute depths of despair. The Wellbutrin can have its own issues. If these suicidal texts started when she she started the wellbutrin, then everyone on her team should be made aware of that.

You might consider asking her if she has shared these thoughts with the people she is working with. They might have no idea she is feeling so badly. My daughter always fooled people. If she is sharing with you, she very well might not be sharing with them. I started to tell my daughter that she needed to tell her therapists what she was sharing with me, or I would, and that seemed to shut down the casual threats.

[Nhie5]

so she has been doing good for the past two weeks - we past the 14 day threat cycle - But she also has an eating order and is telling me and wanting me to tell her she is fat. She was home yesterday and my husband not her dad - is not at all on team Jenna .  I would like to post the note he wrote today to me
The countryman
Thanksgiving 2022…… an abject failure.
 I suspect Cindy was anticipating that Jenna would arrive in our Denville home as normal 22 year old woman returning to her family and family home in good cheer. She would be welcomed by her family who have missed her enthusiasm ,caring spirit  and contagious joy. Happy to see her arrive, sad to see her go.
        But Jenna is not normal, at best she is in remission. Prior to arrival home, Jenna has terrorized her mother with her recurring threats  of suicide. Finding it necessary to share her emotional despair and her psychotic behavior with her mother, she is determined to make sure her mother suffers at least as much as she does. This behavior of course is attributed to her underlying borderline personality disorder. Despite that her inclusive behavior has brought her mother to the brink of despair and ruined the pleasant moods of countless days; Cindy has developed an endless capacity to endure and tolerate these emotional whippings doled out by what , from the outside, looks like a terribly disturbed and somewhat sadistic child.
    Rodger, Cindy’s husband, has certainly been impacted by Jenna’s dramatic and uncontained psychotic rants and threats. Despite Cindy’s valiant and tireless efforts to insulate Rodger from Jenna and her histrionics; on occasion even Cindy’s “ cup runneth over” and makes her pain and angst obvious to Rodger. Even when Cindy is successful at holding in her pain, Rodger is aware of her torment by subtle clues… the change of her mood, the expression on her face, the sense of urgency to return a text and tend to her daughter’s suicidal threats.
       Rodger understands that Jenna is ill and that much of her behavior is symptomatic of Jenna’s psychiatric condition. That said,it is often difficult for Rodger to maintain a clinical perspective all the time. Rodger, unlike Cindy, does not have that immunity to Jenna’s abuse that is parental and maternal. Frequently, when Rodger detects the havoc that Jenna wreaks on her mother, he reacts with anger and contempt. Just as Cindy is equipped with maternal tolerance, Rodger is equipped with the natural instinct to protect his wife and defend his marriage and quality of life.
         Now on Thanksgiving 2022, Jenna returns to the home, presumably on her own request. She enters the room , Rodger and Jenna cordially greet one another. Jenna then enters the kitchen with her mother  and shares what seems to be cheerful banter. That greeting was the last and only communication between Rodger and Jenna.
          The relationship between Jenna and Rodger then resumed as it had been for almost 7 years , with rare interludes of détente, where Jenna exercised amazing passive aggressive abilities to ignore the very existence of Rodger.  In fairness, feeling quintessentially disrespected and unappreciated, Rodger summarily would ignore Jenna.
           This resumption of passive hostility towards each other, made Cindy very upset and distressed. So much so that Cindy and Jenna ate separately from Rodger. More to the point , Rodger heated up the prepared thanksgiving feast and ate it standing at the kitchen island alone… after which he cleaned up the kitchen and retired early. Jenna and Cindy spent the better part of the evening working on a jig saw puzzle

I need help with these issues please