New break-up plans

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Been there done that.

I now write my thoughts after a tough battle or witnessing the disregulation. Sometimes I even start with 'I know I will probably forget in the future, but know this'. Then I state everything that's on my mind at that moment.

And truly, like you said, when I read my thoughts on a good calm day, I'm questioning myself whether I was too 'harsh'.

One thing that I deal with is the guilt and sadness. I would really, really like her to get better, with or without me. I think she deserves it. And it pains me if that's not the case.

Before anyone says - but you should be better first. Correct. But I'm aware of my own limitations, strengths and weaknesses. But she, she is disabled. BPD is invisible disability to the outside world.

[Manic Miner]

Been there done that.

I now write my thoughts after a tough battle or witnessing the disregulation. Sometimes I even start with 'I know I will probably forget in the future, but know this'. Then I state everything that's on my mind at that moment.

And truly, like you said, when I read my thoughts on a good calm day, I'm questioning myself whether I was too 'harsh'.

One thing that I deal with is the guilt and sadness. I would really, really like her to get better, with or without me. I think she deserves it. And it pains me if that's not the case.

Before anyone says - but you should be better first. Correct. But I'm aware of my own limitations, strengths and weaknesses. But she, she is disabled. BPD is invisible disability to the outside world.

[Go3737]

Locked in the bathroom with wife raging outside banging on the door. Cloths thrown away. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse... been there done that. Currently sitting in a hotel room cause she bolted the door while in a drunken rage turned off her phone and closed the BD door so I couldn't get back in the apartment.

I think the only way forward is divorce. Last night as i was at my teaching job she sent hundreds of texts, each one more threatening than the last. In her words her mission is to put me in jail for 100 years for all the horrible things I have done. All lies and exaggerations of course.

So I head back to apartment soon.

Here's my plan. She is going to a friends house for a few days on Monday. I can move my personal possessions out then and be gone when she comes home.

I am currently talking with DV hotlines and DV divorce lawyers

Wife suggested we go to mediation. I think i will broach that subject today. If I can keep this all upfront and in the open, as it is her idea, maybe i can escape too unscathed.

I dealt with the Trauma Bond last time I left for three months. It was very hard. I spent the last few months emotionally separating from her and envisioning what life apart would look like.

From what I read of your story i think you have to end it.
I tried to hold on for decades. And here I am almost 70 looking forward to the rest of my remaining days not living the life I worked so hard for and cherished with all my heart only to be destroyed by an alcoholic NPD/BPD violent wife. This is not the woman I married.

I hope this helps.

[Go3737]

Reading back what I just wrote makes me sick.

[ForeverDad]

Remember that new roller coaster ride?  The first time was unbelievable.  But less so each subsequent ride and by the end of the season you were anticipating the new ride next year.

Memory is a strange thing.  Excluding some forms of trauma (that we could virtually relive in PTSD), most memories fade with time.

But the bad memories, especially repeated ones, our minds try to suppress.  That's natural.  And it especially applies to abuse victims.