Holiday dilema

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My brother and sister both live in a town about 2.5 hours from here, about 10 minutes from each other.  Due to family drama, they don't talk to each other, but I have no issues with either.  We had mad Thanksgiving plans with my brother, but he and his family have gotten ill this week and are not having anyone over.  My S and D are also getting over being sick, but they are to the "runny nose" stage that will probably linger for weeks. 

My sister has also invited us to her house along with my parents, and her invitation still stands.

We reserved non-refundable lodging for two nights to the tune of $550.  Should we cancel, we lose most of that, and there seems to be no way around that policy.  W has basically stated that she no longer wants to go, citing the kids getting over being sick, she not feeling well, too many things to do, etc.  Personally, I think the kids' illness is minor, and my feeling is that she just does not want to see my sister or parents and wants an excuse to not go.

We have no other Thanksgiving plans in town.  We weren't preparing to be at home, so we really have no food to prepare a dinner just for us.  It is probably too late to order a catered meal, and too late to make a reservation at a restaurant that is serving dinner.   Last year, W got into a fight with her dad, and we wound up with no plans and wound up at a chain restaurant that happened to be open.  The year before her dad was in the hospital and we brought him a meal.  I would like to show my kids what people normally do for thanksgiving, so I would rather not just be at home.

After we found out last night that we could not get a refund on lodging, I told W that I still wanted to go.   I told her that I still wanted to see my sister - it has been almost a year.  She replied that the kids were still sick, that she didn't want to go, and that if I wanted to go on my own that is up to me. 

This is a very uncomfortable situation.  I don't want my Ws moods to dictate how and when I see my family.  But I know if I go alone, I will have to hear her pity party about having to feed the kids chicken nuggets for Thanksgiving, and blame me for that.  Plus, I want the kids to have a good holiday, and me going alone ensures that they won't. 

I could look at it this way - if we were divorced this could be the situation anyway - that she has the kids for a holiday and chooses not to do anything and I have to accept that.  But in that case, I would likely have the kids a few days before or after and we could do something on those days.

I am thinking W will grudgingly decide to go and I will have to listen to her negativity.  But should she insist on staying home do I go by myself?

**I will add that had the lodging been refundable I probably would have agreed to stay home.  It's not so much losing the money, but losing the money feels like it symbolizes more - that I am willing to give up so much to satisfy W's moods. 

[maxsterling]

My brother and sister both live in a town about 2.5 hours from here, about 10 minutes from each other.  Due to family drama, they don't talk to each other, but I have no issues with either.  We had mad Thanksgiving plans with my brother, but he and his family have gotten ill this week and are not having anyone over.  My S and D are also getting over being sick, but they are to the "runny nose" stage that will probably linger for weeks. 

My sister has also invited us to her house along with my parents, and her invitation still stands.

We reserved non-refundable lodging for two nights to the tune of $550.  Should we cancel, we lose most of that, and there seems to be no way around that policy.  W has basically stated that she no longer wants to go, citing the kids getting over being sick, she not feeling well, too many things to do, etc.  Personally, I think the kids' illness is minor, and my feeling is that she just does not want to see my sister or parents and wants an excuse to not go.

We have no other Thanksgiving plans in town.  We weren't preparing to be at home, so we really have no food to prepare a dinner just for us.  It is probably too late to order a catered meal, and too late to make a reservation at a restaurant that is serving dinner.   Last year, W got into a fight with her dad, and we wound up with no plans and wound up at a chain restaurant that happened to be open.  The year before her dad was in the hospital and we brought him a meal.  I would like to show my kids what people normally do for thanksgiving, so I would rather not just be at home.

After we found out last night that we could not get a refund on lodging, I told W that I still wanted to go.   I told her that I still wanted to see my sister - it has been almost a year.  She replied that the kids were still sick, that she didn't want to go, and that if I wanted to go on my own that is up to me. 

This is a very uncomfortable situation.  I don't want my Ws moods to dictate how and when I see my family.  But I know if I go alone, I will have to hear her pity party about having to feed the kids chicken nuggets for Thanksgiving, and blame me for that.  Plus, I want the kids to have a good holiday, and me going alone ensures that they won't. 

I could look at it this way - if we were divorced this could be the situation anyway - that she has the kids for a holiday and chooses not to do anything and I have to accept that.  But in that case, I would likely have the kids a few days before or after and we could do something on those days.

I am thinking W will grudgingly decide to go and I will have to listen to her negativity.  But should she insist on staying home do I go by myself?

**I will add that had the lodging been refundable I probably would have agreed to stay home.  It's not so much losing the money, but losing the money feels like it symbolizes more - that I am willing to give up so much to satisfy W's moods. 

[GaGrl]

Can you not go and take the children?

You can proceed as if you are going -- I agree that your W might go at the last minute. That appears to be part of her pattern.

You need to maintain a "normal" relationship with your family members.

[kells76]

I wonder if there's a way to "respect the words she's saying" and just move forward with your (and the kids') normal life plans.

"Babe, I respect that you aren't up for going; the kids and I will be back on Day/Date. I can bring you back pumpkin pie or apple pie; which one would you want?"

Is the biggest hurdle to doing that having to hear her pity party?

It kind of sounds like whether she decides to go or not, you'll "have to" listen to her negativity.

And if I'm reading correctly, she's only insisting (right now) on her staying home. Nothing about what she chooses to do with her own life necessarily dictates what you have to do with your own life.

So why not take the kids and go anyway?

[maxsterling]

And if I'm reading correctly, she's only insisting (right now) on her staying home. Nothing about what she chooses to do with her own life necessarily dictates what you have to do with your own life.

So why not take the kids and go anyway?

No.  She is insisting the kids stay home.  That is her excuse for her staying home.  She says the kids are sick, and we must stay home.  The reality is she can't emotionally handle it.  If I insisted on going and taking the kids, she would not stay home alone and I would be dealing with her negativity and blame for a week.  Even if I chose to go alone, W is likely to decide that she doesn't want to be alone with the kids and elect to go.  And then I would be dealing with the same negativity and complaints. 

I am thinking perhaps the best option is to eat the money and stay home, get premade stuff from the store, and then choose to visit my sister sometime in a few weeks on my own.  It's not my preferred option, but it is a way to feel less crappy about the whole thing.

[Notwendy]

Max - they are your kids too. You can take them. Why is it that your wife’s preference supersedes yours ? Personally I think she doesn’t want YOU to go. Your family is a threat to her attention from you. The kids are collateral.

So you are going to lose $500, not see your family and stay home to appease your wife?

You count too Max- but you need to stand for that. Nobody else can do that but you.

My guess is that if you get ready to go with the kids - she will go with you.

[ForeverDad]

Max - they are your kids too. You can take them. Why is it that your wife’s preference supersedes yours ?

She sees herself as the decision maker.  That's a large part of the problem, both now and long term.  Legally, unless there is a court order stating otherwise, you have just as much parental rights as she does.  Not that you want to push things to an incident where the police have to intervene, but that's the legal perspective.  Though we're not lawyers here.

Even if it is 3 hours driving, that's no big deal for kids, even recovering kids.  If they go, they might still be recovering, but same as if they stay home.  Likely they'll enjoy the weekend away.  Think, adventure!

[maxsterling]

Well, S5 wound up projectile vomiting about an hour before we would leave anyway, so that pretty much forced the decision.  In hindsight, he probably would have been okay, but at that moment you don't know if things will be okay or get worse. 

[ForeverDad]

Holiday drama is often predictable with BPD perceptions.  Could S5's distress have been impacted by the holiday drama?

[maxsterling]

Could S5's distress have been impacted by the holiday drama?

Likely.  S5 has always gotten an upset stomach and thrown up when he gets really upset. 

[Notwendy]

Considering the stress you feel in this situation, and you are an adult, how do you think a child would cope?