Divorcing after 39 years...I am sick to my stomach

[Go3737]

This thread was split from this similar discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354418.0;all

Things changed quickly.

Tomorrow i am finding a one month furnished sublet while i search for a permanent apartment.

We are divorcing after 39 years.

I am sick to my stomach.

[sad]

I am so sorry to hear this as I can relate. I’ve been with my wife for 33 years and it doesn’t look much better. All I can say is the people here are very helpful and there are posts of people going through the same thing with very helpful advice. I don’t post much but I sure have read different posts, it’s really has help me

[BigOof]

one month furnished sublet

Only making short terms plans is a sign of PTSD. Was it that bad?

[Go3737]

yes. I am using the short term rental to allow me time to find a long term apartment. I have to get out of here. She wants to keep drinking and that sets off the demons in her and I get the full brunt of it. I cant do this anymore.

This morning reality started setting in to her when she realized this is for real and she wont have the money she thought she'd end up with. So the tears and apologies started which I would have no part of. Then she switched to anger... what a surprise.

I went to the police station yesterday to file a harassment report since she has threatened me with DV charges. I wanted it on record. Yes I keep a recorder going at all times in case.

I am still slightly hopeful she will turn around, beg me to stay and get herself into a top addiction/mental health program.  I am not holding much hope since I finally put down the hopium pipe yesterday and made the decision to stop fighting her request for a divorce.

Now she's upset!

It's crazy but I still love her intensely.
This is so painful. As ET said as he touched his heart: "ouch..."

[SaltyDawg]

I am still slightly hopeful she will turn around, beg me to stay and get herself into a top addiction/mental health program.  I am not holding much hope since I finally put down the hopium pipe yesterday and made the decision to stop fighting her request for a divorce.

Now she's upset!

It's crazy but I still love her intensely.
This is so painful. As ET said as he touched his heart: "ouch..."

I am still sucking the 'hopium' pipe too.  I've made some progress with my pwBPD [this is the exception, not the rule -- just look at some of my more recent posts on this]; however, I still fear that this will be short lived, but will at least last through the holidays, and 2023 will be a transformational year for our relationship, like the BPD way of thinking it will either be very good, or very bad for my relationship -- hopefully I am not prolonging the inevitable.  Once you have loved someone with BPD, it is incredibly intense, and there will always be that special place in one's heart.

I hope for the best; however, I will prepare for the worst.

[Go3737]

This morning she realized (cause the alcohol wore off) what was happening. I was divorcing her and moving out. She freaked and started crying and begging me not to divorce her. I went at her for an hour about why I should.

And she the waterworks continued all morning.

I left to see the temp apartment. Nice place. While i was there the police came to our home for a wellness check since i filed a harassment report. Scared the heck out of her. She actually told them she got drunk and abused me, verbally and physically.

I have the detectives card and put a call in to ask him about the visit. I am waiting for a callback.

I guess I'm still a softy so I came home, found her on a zoom AA meeting, made her hot tea, and soup (she has a bad cold).

I decided to give it one more try as the holidays are fast approaching. I've waited this long and pushed my line in the sand back so many times, what's one more?

However I told her if she drinks again, even one glass I will be leaving for good and divorcing. I also told her if she came home drunk I would provoke her into attacking me and i'd have her arrested.

It's going to be an interesting month.

 

[GaGrl]

I believe you know the inevitable result of your ultimatum.

What is your actual plan for the inevitable?

[Go3737]

Divorce.

I am struggling with one piece of it. We live in a 50/50 state so everything is split down the middle (simple life we have)
BUT I have a private disability policy that legally is not martial property.
One thought is it is all mine. I am older and cannot get meaningful work anymore. She is younger and can work.
I also feel like sticking it to her and making her life a bit more miserable.
On the other hand, we've been together for 39 years and she does have an illness... how could I leave her in bad financial shape when I would be much better off?
And my kids would probably be pissed.

Thoughts?

[kells76]

Thoughts:

I wonder if I'm hearing that the legal aspect and the emotional aspect are pretty intertwined for you right now. I.e., anger, grief, and/or a desire to "stick it to her" are impacting how you want the legal stuff to play out? That would be pretty understandable.

Often in these high conflict, high emotion times, things go better when we can keep those areas in their own lanes. For me and my H, it's really critical that when his kids' mom sends a blamey, hurtful, manipulative email about the kids' schedule, that we reply neutrally and factually, keeping emotions and reactions out of it. Then, we process the emotional stuff with a counselor.

That could be an approach worth considering -- certainly don't punish yourself legally, as that's no better, but also don't turn the legal process into your arena for getting your feelings out to her. Keep the legal stuff by the book, low to no emotion, & businesslike, and find a good counselor to hear your anger.

Food for thought...

[ForeverDad]

On the other hand, we've been together for 39 years and she does have an illness... how could I leave her in bad financial shape when I would be much better off?
And my kids would probably be pissed.

"Danger, Will Robinson!"  You're already talking yourself into sabotaging yourself.  There's time to ponder those things later.  First, keep yourself safe, or at least "less unsafe".  Later on you can dream up ways for self-sabotage.  Imagine saying the above to your experienced divorce attorney!  My lawyer said his first task was to sit on his clients so they wouldn't sink themselves in even more legal woes.

And don't worry overmuch about your spouse's future, just like you will have a lawyer to guard your best interests, she will have a lawyer too.

And about the kids?  Unless they've been manipulated into abject puppets, they will have seen what life was like at home.  For all you know they might disclose they've wished for years that you would find a way to resolve the conflict and stand up for yourself.

I believe you know the inevitable result of your ultimatum.

What is your actual plan for the inevitable?

I agree.  We've been there, done that.  And seen it all in a myriad of permutations.  Another phrase I've repeated here is, "Recovery is a process, not an event."  Sure, she has promised to improve.  But she has decades of past misbehaving, a lifelong pattern, that will be almost impossible for her to overcome.  Of course, we can't say she won't turn a new leaf, but you surely can't count on it.

The police may have written up a report.  Or they may have only logged a 'visit' to your address.  Might be good to verify what was written, get a copy and make sure you have the officer's names.  That is, documentation.

Why?  She may later recant and claim (allegations) that you were the one misbehaving.  (If you had minor children that would be considered very likely since that's an easy way to gain default.)

Also she may feel she has to make you look worse than her.  What better way to make you look worse than her than by alleging DV of some sort?  I think the phrase is to "frame by mischief"?  Be aware.  Beware.

[Notwendy]

And about the kids?  Unless they've been manipulated into abject puppets, they will have seen what life was like at home.  For all you know they might disclose they've wished for years that you would find a way to resolve the conflict and stand up for yourself.

As an adult child of a mother with BPD, I agree- it's probable your kids have seen what is going on, or at least enough of it to know what it's like for you. They may have tried to speak to you about it but if it's anything like my parents, this wasn't allowed, so they don't say much.

My father didn't divorce my mother ( he is deceased ) but if he had done that, I'd have understood why. We wouldn't wish for my mother to be in a bad place financially and are grateful my father did save for retirement, but also- we would not have wanted him to be in dire straits financially either. I think Forever Dad's point that the courts will decide is a good one. Consider that once you are on a fixed income- whatever you have is for the two of you. You only have as much as you have. You don't have to compromise yourself- a fair decision is considerate of both of you.

Even if they did get angry at you, after 29 years of marriage, they are probably grown adults now or close to that. They make their own decisions. I would hope they value their relationship with you to want to maintain a relationship with you. If not, then that isn't worth you compromising yourself over. It's understandable that the kids would be a consideration when they were young and dependent on you, but they are older now. This is your decision to make.