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Author Topic: Parter has asked for space but is an emotional rollercoaster  (Read 175 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: in crisis
Posts: 6

« on: December 16, 2022, 05:59:34 PM »

Hello, my partner over the last year has gone through a severe manic episode and the severity of emotional dysregulation has increased in intensity and frequency since we moved from America to the UK. We have been together for nearly 5 years and are/were engaged. Last year, during our first winter, she began to emotionally distance herself from me. She has had massive depressive periods before, struggled with OCD and anxiety, but we had always found ways to both get her the help she needed and find ways to be supportive within the relationship. When we moved to the UK, everything changed. She also has always had intense reactions to even minor stressors, especially related to travel. She also dissociates often and frequently misremembers arguments we have had and makes me feel like I am losing my mind. She has also consistently cut off friends after any conflict with them. I have lost several friends myself due to this.

I was living in a foreign country, she was moving home. Her mother definitely has BPD or some other severe personality disorder and she experienced a tremendous amount of sexual trauma from a young age, from within her household from random partners of her mother. from role models and from romantic partners. She moved to America to run away from all of the trauma she had experienced.

When we moved back, she nan died who was the only adult in her life who ever showed her unconditional love. I am so understanding of how all of this, and especially moving back to the UK triggered a massive manic episode. I fell into a depression and began abusing drugs and alcohol. I met the wrong people, was socially isolated in a foreign country, and made choices to relieve my stress. I got drunk on two separate occasions and kissed two other people in clubs. I also downloaded dating apps to receive the external validation I had inexplicably lost from her. I also went on SSRIs at the time in an effort to treat my depression but unknown to me at the time I have Autism. I lost the learned ability to sense other peoples emotions, I couldn't tell if I was being rude or mean, and I started to act out. During one particular evening, we had a difficult sexual encounter. During the encounter, she froze. I stopped, I asked her if I should stop, and she verbally communicated to me it was ok to continue. I wished I had stopped, but I didn't.

All of this came out after she became less distant and started to be extremely anxious and in need of reassurance of my affection. She found the dating apps, I admitted to kissing other people, and my secretive use of drugs and alcohol. It was horrible. But we invested in our relationship. We went to therapy. We spoke daily. We made boundries and guidlines for communication. And we drafted and worked on relationship agreements. I stopped drinking and have been sober for 8 months. We were building our relationship back and the summer was enjoyable and loving and supportive. I know I made horrible mistakes, I didn't communicate my insecurities, and I accepted the consequences of my actions. She has on many occasions expressed she has forgiven me.

As we started to approach this winter, she began to distance again. I tried to practice stoicism and remind myself I am unable to control or help her when she is depressed or disregulated. But she wasn't seeking therapy, she was losing the ability to complete her work, and she was nothing but angry distant and mean. She also completely removed herself from any physical intamcy without verbalising why. I let it be, hoping things would improve. I took a small trip to America, just a week, and when I returned she expressed her inability to even imagine us being intimate. She asked for space. I initially was under the impression she was asking for physical space and I was happy to find a mutually beneficial plan to allow for a period of space where she could live and sleep on her own for a time. I asked for 2 months. A few weeks later, she had a massive brake down and demanded I leave. She began saying she still wants to be friends, she still wants to stay in touch. I asked if we could go to therapy and she said "why would we go to couples therapy if we aren't a couple". This rocked me to my core and completely turned my life upside down. I have been homeless for the last two weeks and have been trying to put find any semblance of security and stability.

She has since flipped back and forth, demanding space when I need to grab my things, only to call for support and question if what she is doing is right. I cannot handle how inconsistent she is. She has expressed she needs space because of what happened 8 months ago. I said I understand but I would still like to go back to therapy as our relationship was improving in therapy. She says it wasn't getting better and it didn't work. That isn't true at all.

Based on my experience with her over the last 5 years, how quickly she has just completely cut me out of her life, and that she was recently told by a psychiatrist she may have a personality disorder which subsequently led to her not wanting to work with said psychiatrist, I believe my partner has BPD. This site has already been so helpful and useful. But I need resources and guidance on how to move forward. I am still in love with my partner, and I still want to continue to move forward in life together. I am not hopeful or delusional that things can go back to how they were, but I so want to be in her life. I care about her so much. I know I can't fix her, I know I have to focus on myself, but how can I have confidence I am making choices that in the long run may allow for a rebolstering of our supportive, loving and strong relationship?
« Last Edit: December 16, 2022, 06:06:01 PM by Botanist5402 » Logged
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.


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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 32

« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2022, 12:23:35 AM »

2 Big red flags here:

1. She painted you black - it's hard to go back to white from this
2. She wanted space - this means her black hole is growing inside of her and she will likely find another guy to fill this black hole of her at the detriment to your relationship.

Unfortunately, all these are defense mechanisms of the personality disorder and there is nothing you can do.  You need to look out for yourself first. 
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