Not officially diagnosed

[MoMo70]

Here looking for help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello MoMo70, welcome to the group. It's our mission to center and support those who have a loved one with BPD.

Can you tell us a little more about what brings you here? Is the loved one a son, daughter, in-law, other?

-kells76

[MoMo70]

Thank you for your reply

I think my son has BPD.
He has been an alcoholic since his early 20s but abused by his father in childhood and emotional problems throughout his teens. After a physical fight between my son and my husband (his stepfather) we put him in a program for troubled teens. He actually responded very well to it - it was a place where boys lived with house parents and were given a lot of attention and guidance.
After that he regressed at home and at 21 turned to alcohol. Having had multiple alcoholics in his bio fathers family and mine, it became easy to focus on that. I had been in Al-Anon for years off and on (for my ex, for boyfriends and my daughter) and employing my Al-Anon program toward my son, worked to have a sense of serenity and low expectation. He ended up gaining sobriety-4 years ago.  The interpersonal problems seemed to get better as he worked with sponsors, but had problems keeping them as they would always end with the sponsor firing him after a conflict.
Now I am the main relationship. He calls often with problems. He has replaced alcohol with a sex behavior/porn addiction for which he sought treatment. It seems as he has become abstinent with alcohol and now the porn, he is even more extreme in his emotions toward me and others. He has now had moderate level paranoia - people in his past who have hurt him, continuing to band together to do things to harm him or stalk him.
My old Al-Anon techniques such as detaching with love or not enabling have not worked.
I had a step-son (with Asperger’s) who out of no where died by suicide and thus I try to educate myself on that. I stumbled across a documentary called 32 pills. I’m the documentary a sister describes her sister who died by suicide and then said she had been diagnosed with BPD. A lightbulb went off in my head; the sister sounded a lot like my son.
I read about the criteria of BPD, from my vantage he meets all but the self harm; though I think some of the sex addition behaviors may be harmful (he has not shared much of this/just hinted) and a few weeks ago he stated he wished God would just kill him—the incident was a protracted situation with apartment and loud neighbors.
He sees a therapist; reunited with one he had when he was getting sober. But I do not think that any PD diagnosis had been made. He also is attending ACA meetings (adult child of alcoholic) and often uses “protecting his inner child” as justification for his emotions and actions.
I started to read about BPD.  I once gently inquired to my son if he might be willing to be evaluated for any mental issue that might have been caused as a result of his childhood trauma - he responded negatively — so I dropped it.
It is very hard to implement the strategies of no judgement, validation, and nonabandonment. I’m getting exhausted.
I have also been trying to manage the interactions between my son and other family members. Wrong, probably, but I sometimes just want short term peace in activities such as family get togethers and vacations.
It feels like the only choice is not to invite him in order to allow other siblings and my husband to have a good time. But then I know that is an abandonment that could affect my son.
I would like to get a therapist (online or in the Houston area) for helping me to cope.
I would like to find a group of BPD families, if that exists. I love my Al-Anon groups and wonder if something similar exists.
I’ve signed up for the family course, but I understand there is a wait list.
Any suggestions? I’m very teachable, and need help now.

Thanks for listening