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Author Topic: Adult Son Exhibits BPD trait  (Read 277 times)
Hazel58

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3


« on: December 19, 2022, 09:24:46 PM »

My son is 23 and for almost 2 years we have been dealing with severe depression and anxiety.  When it started out during covid he was at school and isolated took several pills prescribed by our general practitioner and called 911 for his overdose.  After a week long hospital stay we moved him home and he was emotional and apologetic for his actions.  We had him withdraw from school for the quarter to take a break and had him seeing a psychiatrist and therapist.  After over a year of adjusting meds and therapy he started smoking a lot of cannabis, legal in WA.  He definitely has an abuse problem and has gone several months off of cannabis but goes right back to it.  Last spring he returned to school for 3 months and went off his meds.  He had a manic episode when he came home and ended up writing a suicide note and running out of the house.  We had to call the police because of the serious threat and he ended up being detained against his will for 5 days in a hospital. During his episode he was verbally abusive and aggressive. We tried an excellent outpatient program when he came home but found out group therapy is not his thing. The psychiatrist at the outpatient facility strongly suggested BPD or and Bipolar.  We made it through summer where he barely left the house and he opted to return to school for this fall quarter to finish his degree.  He had a good fall quarter but we know by our credit card bill he was buying alcohol and probably drinking a lot.  He moved home about 10 days ago and we found cannabis in his car when moving it and asked him about it.  He had such a horrible abuse problem in the past that we were really concerned.  As calm as we were he exploded and over 3 days verbally abused us, especially me via text.  We are really just concerned about his driving with it in the vehicle and also he was in such a dark place before.  I left for a night because as the person who controls his meds he lashes out at me.  When I returned he immediately texted asking for an apology and I also found out he had tried to hurt himself with trazedone he takes to sleep.  Luckily it made him sick.  I am back to controlling his meds at the recommendation of his therapist and psychiatrist.  Kind of at the end of my rope as he is back to smoking a lot of cannabis, not just to chill out but from morning until evening.  We initially told him if it doesn't come in the house, he uses his money and doesn't drive we won't attack him for it.  In reality we are trying to avoid another horrible episode.  He's totally stoned though almost 24 hours a day the last several days.  My own therapist has suggested we have a plan in place if he has another explosive episode.  He has never been physical but the screaming and crying he exhibits is horrible.  I don't know what we should do to construct this plan?  We want to avoid police and hospitals unless he obviously plans to hurt himself.  He is extremely impulsive.  What do people do? Do we get him a hotel room or something?  I just really don't know. Thanks for reading.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
kells76
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2022, 11:06:39 AM »

Hello Hazel58, glad you reached out for support. It sounds incredibly difficult to have a young adult child with BPD type behaviors -- too old for you to have more say about treatments, and yet too young to be making wise decisions independently.

Many parents here have struggled with having a child with BPD (diagnosed or not) and substance abuse issues. I know it isn't easier in a state where getting any number of drugs is incredibly simple.

I'm reading a mix of plusses and minuses about your son's situation:

On one hand, he still deals with severe depression/anxiety, can be suicidal, uses alcohol and pot to cope, has extreme screaming and crying episodes, and is incredibly impulsive. So much for any family to deal with.

On the other hand, he did call 911 on himself, can be apologetic, was cooperative with seeing a psych and therapist, had some significant compliance with meds and treatment, has discovered less helpful treatment modalities (i.e. group therapy isn't a good fit for him, so no more pursuing that), had a psych who identified BPD as a key issue, has some motivation to get out and go to school, and has a treatment team that works with you for med management. These are some glimpses of hope.

...

I think I'm reading that one top issue for you right now is him driving while high? In terms of driving, do you own the car?

...

And another top issue is, as your T suggested, figuring out a specific plan for what to do if he has another huge episode (I'm guessing verbal abuse, screaming, crying, self harm)?

I think you may be on to something here:

  We want to avoid police and hospitals unless he obviously plans to hurt himself.  He is extremely impulsive.  What do people do? Do we get him a hotel room or something?

Giving family members space from each other when one is "unreachable" (due to having an emotionally extreme episode) is often something people do. One positive thing about that choice is that it removes targets from the pwBPD and gives them room to practice soothing themselves. It can be a kind thing to not stick around to be targeted with verbal abuse. However, it is challenging because your son may need supervision to be safe. If he had the hotel room, a plus side is it might be harder for him to access his "home things" like drugs or alcohol. On the minus side, he may be very destructive to the room. If you had the hotel room, similar pluses and minuses: you are removed from being his target, yet he is at home unsupervised.

What is your sense of how he would do unsupervised in either location? He is a unique individual, so while some pwBPD might still act out/be destructive in a hotel room, other pwBPD might find it more soothing and calming because it's away from triggering situations.

...

Do you have other family members at home (spouse, other kids)? What is your son's relationship with them like? I heard you saying that because you manage his meds, he tends to lash out at you -- does he have a better "working relationship" with others?

...

Lots of questions for starters, so I'll wrap it up here. I just want you to know that with the holidays coming up, please know that you can give yourself a break if things don't go the way you'd hoped. Many families wish that "everyone could be together" at Christmas, for example, but sometimes crises happen. Know that you are doing the best you can, no matter how the holidays turn out. I hope you can find some moments of peace and relaxation in the next few weeks.

Let us know how you've been doing;

kells76
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Rev
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2022, 11:33:11 AM »

Hi Hazel,

Just wanting to say welcome. My D is bi-polar. I empathize with the worry of a parent carries for their children.

Kells is really adept at breaking things down while still being supportive.

So I'll just "listen in" for a bit if that's okay?

Hang in there. Glad you've found us. This is a really great place.

Rev
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Hazel58

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2022, 01:56:10 PM »

Thanks for replying.  The positive is he did finish the quarter at school and has one online class left for winter quarter and will graduate.  I think that's the goal we are working towards right now.  He is still smoking a lot of cannabis from am to pm and has a horrible cough from it.  At the recent suggestion of my therapist we are ignoring it and just carrying on as normal.  He goes outside and isn't driving.  We are trying to keep things as normal as possible.  My husband and my other son live with us.  They are twins and my other son doesn't engage a lot because of the behavior.  Were hoping that as we get through the holidays and when he starts his next class in January the cannabis use will decline.  For now, we are just watching and trying not to trigger him.
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Couscous
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1072


« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2022, 05:25:57 PM »

Excerpt
My own therapist has suggested we have a plan in place if he has another explosive episode.  He has never been physical but the screaming and crying he exhibits is horrible.  I don't know what we should do to construct this plan?  We want to avoid police and hospitals unless he obviously plans to hurt himself.  He is extremely impulsive.  What do people do? Do we get him a hotel room or something?

Can you ask your T for some guidance on what kind of plan to make?

What I would recommend is that you immediately disengage in a calm, loving way when he starts lashing out, each and every time, by leaving the room or the house. But you would also want to make sure he cannot text you while you are gone, letting him know that you are temporarily blocking his number, because rage texting you will just cause him to get even angrier and prolong the outburst. You could also get a “dumb” phone if he has a habit of rage texting, for him to be able to call you when he’s calm. If he cannot reach you then his emotional outburst should subside rapidly, although probably not the first few times you do this. If need be you can spend the night elsewhere as I think it will be hard to get him to leave when he’s in a rage without calling the police.

If you are consistent with limiting his access to you when he’s dysregulating I think you may pleasantly surprised to find that his outbursts start to lessen.

I also recommend canceling his credit card. He can open a bank account and you can transfer his allowance for the month, if he goes back to school.
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