NotWendy,
Thank you so much for providing additional insight...
I created a new thread as I didn't want to hijack the
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354512.0 How to Explain to Inlaws thread. This is a continuation of the branch-off discussion found there, link is provided above for those that want to see the first few posts of this discussion.
It's hard to see a child struggle and as much as you wish your own marital issues were not an influence, parents inevitably have an influence on their children. I think we learn as much ( possibly more) from observing them as we do from what they say. So, one way I have tried to "do better" with my own children is to work on myself to change any dysfunctional behaviors that I learned growing up and so change what I role model. So actually your own self work can have an impact on your D. I am actively working on myself to change any dysfunctional behaviors that I am doing, my D sees this, and can relate, and I am sharing my strategies with her when she actively asked what I was doing differently - this was a major breakthrough between my D and me the other night. I think this is what allowed her to approach me on the myriad of mental health issues that were on her own mind.
Part of being a teen is differentiating from parents- finding out who they are as their own selves. They don't really know who they are yet but they know they are "not my parent". I also didn't want to be like my mother but being the opposite of one extreme is still disordered. So while I didn't want to behave like my mother, I learned co-dependent behaviors which seemed to be opposite to hers. Eventually we have to seek a more middle ground but a first tendency is for a teen to be "not my parents". Agreed, and my D realizes that, knows something is wrong, and doesn't know what it is. She bounced a couple of her ideas off me, one I was able to deny one using logic, the other I validated, also using logic. I also offered up another that was an apparent fit. However, she is adamant she does not want to be in the system to be labelled, she also knows she can use her hyperintelligence to avoid it. She has seen the belly of the mental-health beast by being institutionalized to literally save her life from AN. I can empathize with her on this as I see her point of view.
It appears your teen is doing this to some degree. Home life feels out of control- so she has become very controlling in areas she can control- school achievement, food, her own relationships. But she's gone from one extreme ( you and your wife) to another extreme- and neither is desirable. You are correct in that - this is her path. I think at some point she may find that while these behaviors have served a function for her in your family ( they help her to feel safer and in control )- they may cause her to have other issues in her adult relationships. Then, it will be her task to seek out help for them. One thing I have role modeled for my own kids is that it's OK to seek out help if you need it. Agreed 100% over and over again. That is why I am seeking help here [BPDFamily], and with my individual T. I am actively role modeling help by coming here & FB groups [she knows about some of them], seeing a T [she know about that as I openly talk about it at the meal table], and getting advise from a life-coach, who is a licensed-counselor in another state, who is a self-admitted to me in private, a borderline herself [does not know about this one, yet - as it is a definite gray area of getting help].
While you have discussed her needing therapy- another approach is that you role model that. You should not be sharing "why" with her. I don't do that. But my kids ( they are young adults) know there were issues with my mother and that I have sought out help when I felt I need it. Agreed, and that is what I am doing. I know my D knows about it -- it is my theory on why she felt safe enough to approach me about her own mental health issues -- which she openly proclaimed to me that she would never do with her mom because of her mental state. However, she does not feel safe enough [yet] to get therapy, even though both I and her mother have offered it to her [for differing reasons] -- she needs to go on her terms, not mine, and not my wife's. I will continue to model going to therapy. She was asking about herself, not me, she already knows why, I do it, by indicating that I am getting help for myself with self-care, I am also seeking help together with mom to make our marriage better, and mom is getting help for herself to deal with her own issues which my wife has recently also shared with her and me. I think that is reasonable explanation without going too much in the 'why' part of it, even though she is aware of the more obvious reasons, most of which she has witnessed herself [the rages, the yelling, the emotional abuse, but not the physical abuse and suicide attempts, although D is aware of it].
Another thing I do is try to show them that self care is OK. This comes from having been co-dependent and not doing that and I don't want them to think that is OK. It's interesting that all of you have struggles with food and weight- and there are emotional aspects to that. Your D has done the opposite of you and your wife- but the opposite of one extreme is still problematic. Weight issues are hard to deal with- they are often the result of emotional stresses.
While the focus has been on your D's health, one idea, now that she's OK is for you to be OK too. Taking care of your own health is self care. While our culture focuses on appearance- size, weight - it's more about taking care of your own health and it could have an impact on your D to see you doing this. I shared how my mother's issues with food and dieting influenced me - there wasn't role modeling of what a healthy relationship with food and weight could be. You have an opportunity to do that for yourself and I think it will have an impression on her. Self-Care is awesome, I didn't figure out that part until this June of this year in earnest. Previously I was going through the motions, but not really comprehending it. I am exercising and have lost 70 pounds of weight, but I need to loose another 60-70 - it is a work in progress, with some occasional holiday setbacks.
Not all of us have weight issues - my son is doing just fine weight wise, no issues there. However, my weight, and my D's weight were on the extreme opposite ends [was Class III obese, now Class II obese (I have lost twice as much as D has gained in weight), and she was lethal range AN, now 50% normal], Wife was overweight now Class I obese - with hypertension, a common comorbidity of BPD, and son he is normal with weight.
I know I am co-dependent myself [it sucks, but it is what it is], I know that my wife is too. I am hoping that my D isn't, hasn't really shown signs of it. I have focused on my own health; however, I am taking a break until the new year [when all of the candies and cookies are gone] and will refocus on it - I am half way to my weight goal. My D tries to help me and it has made a positive impression on her. We are both doing Dirty Keto [no sugar added and low carbs, but high fat] is good for my health, and she just add carbs in a side dish / dessert and it is good for AN health too [high fat, high carbs]. Part of her parentification, that she says she enjoys is cooking, so she cooks to make mom happy, I enjoy it, and Dirty Keto with her added carbs is a good compromise, as I don't eat the high carb side dish [pasta or potatoes] but do eat the meat/cheese/veggies. She also has a sweet tooth and is 'definitely taking advantage of her metabolism while' she 'can' as my D puts it.
With my D's AN, I now now the formula to lose weight, and can choose, when and I how I do it with relative ease. While the initial focus was on my marriage over a decade ago - that counseling failed as my wife fired all of the T's. A decade+ later to the present the focus shifted by D three years ago, it then became my wife's focus on to fix me once the D stabilized in her weight, I readily agreed as it meant getting her back to T on my wife's terms. However, my W convinced the T I was the one who was messed up, until I got my own individual T, then I learned about BPD.
On this series of addressing our family's mental health, our initial focus was on our D, it has expanded to include the whole family. The focus is on D - now stable, W - now partially 'self aware', S - Oblivious but managing okay, and myself - including self-care. Ironically, when I announced self care earlier this year, my W tried to commit suicide when she realized that I was going from a 24/7 support role of her to a 21/5 + 24/2 and would be doing less to please her. Two weeks later I implemented anyways, and she is still here, and has come to enjoy the benefits of it -- go figure.
Where there was conflict over discussions with my father, even with BPD mother not hearing, happened in his elder years. He was not receptive to such discussions. I am so sorry for you -- if you were able to have that discussion with your father, that would have been a tremendous validation for you. My intent is to not let that happen with either of my children as I can see how it has affect you and others here too.
I think you are also ahead of the situation by recognizing BPD and also your own part in the relationship. This information was not available to my parents early on in their marriage. I am, and I intend on learning as much as I can. It took me 19 years of marriage to acquire that knowledge -- now that I know about it, I am trying to figure out what to do with it without being a caretaker, and without running [those are the two choices offered by this website and other sanctioned sources] -- so I am blazing a new trail where there is minimal caretaking, a lot of accountability, all without running away. I know that I am in uncharted territory here. I am figuring it out, and 'self-awareness' is the primary key [of many keys] to both the borderline, and the ones that love them.
While it's understandable and commendable to do your best for your D, for your own sake, put some attention to your situation. This doesn't mean you have to leave it if you don't want to, but how can you find ways to care for your own self in it? I think that can have a larger influence on your D that one can see directly. Already doing that, and reaping a lot of benefit from it, including reconnecting on an emotional level with my D, and better health for myself too. I also know that I have a lot of work to do as well, as I have only done the self-care bit in earnest from June, with some setbacks, but I also have the knowledge now, that I didn't for the first half century of my life. What I do with this knowledge now will guide the path forward that I am choosing.
