Processing & Healing

[Nursemom13]

Good morning,
First time posting.  Looking for a support group to process and help heal my heart. 

Our daughter has suffered with mental illness since she was a very small child.  Her first inpatient stay was during her school age years due to rage, self harm, and harm to animals.  She was put on antipsychotic medications at 5 years old.  By the 2nd acute psych inpatient stay before the age of 10 they recommended residential treatment, as 'that was the only way to help her'.  The team recommended for us to get infared alarms on the doorways to our room, son's rooms, and her room to note when and if she was up and about at night.  They stated we needed to start looking for remorse in her actions.  She was physically and verbally abusive to everyone in our home for decades.  She has multiple episodes of falsely acusing males of inappropriate sexual behaviors/abuse, however all have been investigated thoroughly and noted to be unfounded.  She did get the residential stay they recommended, but not until she was 17 after an arrest.  She is now 18, living with her significant other, and has ex-communicated us for setting boundaries, due to the continued abuse and false alegations. 
All in my home but me feel such relief.  There were even utterings at Christmas, 'I feel evil for saying this, but thank goodness she isn't here'.  We have never had a holiday or birthday celebrated that wasn't wrecked or ruined by drama or outbursts and rage events. 
I want to feel the relief too, I do.  I am just so overwhelmingly sad at the moment.  I feel like it is a death, death of who I wanted her to be, who I dreamed she was, of the mother'daughter relationship that I so desperately wanted and craved.  For my mother was the very same way and also suffered with addiction on top of it.  I am all to familiar with this relationship, being abused, manipulated, and used as an object, all while showing love and loyalty while getting burnt.  Everyone around me could see this and now it is with my daughter.  I do not even think I have the will or am strong enough to continue the relationship in any capasity, and I feel like a monster for it.  I already miss the children she doesn't even have, I miss the hopes and dreams that I stuipidly dreamed up.  I hoped her whole life we could save her.  We sacraficed time/energy with the boys to help her, it was constant.  Now, I need to focus on them.  It is time that I heal, move on/forward, and focus on the good in our lives.  My husband and I are highschool sweethearts.  He is the rock of our family and sees right through her games/manipulation.  He helps me to stay strong.  I want to be strong for him and our boys.  What are some things that helped you to move on, and not feel like a monster, for not wanting to take the abuse?     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Nursemom13, glad to see you reached out for support, processing, and healing 

Good morning,
First time posting.  Looking for a support group to process and help heal my heart. 

Our daughter has suffered with mental illness since she was a very small child.  Her first inpatient stay was during her school age years due to rage, self harm, and harm to animals.  She was put on antipsychotic medications at 5 years old.  By the 2nd acute psych inpatient stay before the age of 10 they recommended residential treatment, as 'that was the only way to help her'.  The team recommended for us to get infared alarms on the doorways to our room, son's rooms, and her room to note when and if she was up and about at night.  They stated we needed to start looking for remorse in her actions.  She was physically and verbally abusive to everyone in our home for decades.  She has multiple episodes of falsely acusing males of inappropriate sexual behaviors/abuse, however all have been investigated thoroughly and noted to be unfounded.  She did get the residential stay they recommended, but not until she was 17 after an arrest.  She is now 18, living with her significant other, and has ex-communicated us for setting boundaries, due to the continued abuse and false alegations. 
All in my home but me feel such relief.  There were even utterings at Christmas, 'I feel evil for saying this, but thank goodness she isn't here'.  We have never had a holiday or birthday celebrated that wasn't wrecked or ruined by drama or outbursts and rage events. 
I want to feel the relief too, I do.  I am just so overwhelmingly sad at the moment.  I feel like it is a death, death of who I wanted her to be, who I dreamed she was, of the mother'daughter relationship that I so desperately wanted and craved.  For my mother was the very same way and also suffered with addiction on top of it.  I am all to familiar with this relationship, being abused, manipulated, and used as an object, all while showing love and loyalty while getting burnt.  Everyone around me could see this and now it is with my daughter.  I do not even think I have the will or am strong enough to continue the relationship in any capasity, and I feel like a monster for it.  I already miss the children she doesn't even have, I miss the hopes and dreams that I stuipidly dreamed up.  I hoped her whole life we could save her.  We sacraficed time/energy with the boys to help her, it was constant.  Now, I need to focus on them.  It is time that I heal, move on/forward, and focus on the good in our lives.  My husband and I are highschool sweethearts.  He is the rock of our family and sees right through her games/manipulation.  He helps me to stay strong.  I want to be strong for him and our boys.  What are some things that helped you to move on, and not feel like a monster, for not wanting to take the abuse?     

You and your family have been through so much in such a relatively short time. It's good to hear that you and your H are still together and he is so supportive of you.

It makes a lot of sense that you're feeling the grief and loss, and that it's like the daughter you'd dreamed of, and dreamed for, has died. I get it. I hope you can know how normal it is to be in that place. You're her mom, and each member in your family had a different relationship with her -- father, sibling, etc. You have your own unique relationship with her, which means that everyone gets to process the grief and change at their own pace, you included. The boys may be in different places in anger, grieving, or acceptance, and that's OK too. Please know that you're free to be in the place you're at, for however long you hear your heart telling you.

There may be times when you remember or want to think about the bad times, the rages, the blame, and you may feel angry, furious, etc. That is also OK, and you might move between the grief and anger. It's part of the process, though you probably knew that already -- that it isn't linear.

Focusing on your other kids makes a lot of sense right now. Any family with multiple kids goes through changes as the oldest "ages out", so it is normal and OK for those of you still at home to "recalibrate" to the "new normal". All families do this, and it's OK -- it doesn't mean "cutting her off forever", it just means -- she's 18, living out of the house, and it's fine to accept that as reality and send a lot of love and attention to the kids at home.

In fact, she may need a season of a lot of distance from you guys, for her own maturation process. You can respect her adult choice to live with her boyfriend, knowing that maybe down the road, she'll have had enough life experiences to have some perspective and balance.

I wonder if your biggest challenge is what you wrote here:

I do not even think I have the will or am strong enough to continue the relationship in any capasity, and I feel like a monster for it.

coping with that deeply uncomfortable feeling?

I wonder what it'd be like to accept that you don't have the resources or bandwidth to have a relationship with her... at this moment in time?

It doesn't have to be forever... it can be for a season. It's OK to catch your breath, recover, and care about yourself. That's probably the best way to care about her, if/when down the road she circles back and makes contact. I hope you can gift yourself some relief and acceptance, that it isn't "mean" not to have the relation ship, AND it doesn't have to be forever. It can be one day at a time.

...

How have the last few days been for you guys? Update us whenever works for you;

kells76

[RJH]

Boy do I know how you feel. It’s been over a year (since 10/11/2021) since my daughter cut us out of her and her sons life (she’s 25 now). I feel very guilty for feeling some relief from the constant drama. I had been working with a therapist myself to try setting better boundaries with her just before she quit speaking to us. I feel like I was simply of no more use to her at that point. Of course, more heartbreaking than anything is that she refuses any contact between her son and our entire family. For me, that is the worst part. Being in the child welfare field, I’ve always felt the need to protect him from all of the instability she and his father have inflicted upon him (they were teenagers when they had him) so that’s been a long, awful road. Now, our family is not even able to be that safe place for him and I’ve tried everything I know to do to get him some help to no avail. Anyway, I think all we can do is understand that we cannot control the situation and let go. When we have opportunities to be in their lives, try to be healthy enough to be a positive influence modeling self-respect by keeping those loving but firm boundaries. I don’t know what else anyone can do. One thing that we do is we started an email account for my grandson so we can write to him, send photos and videos, etc so one day he will know how much we loved him and how hard we tried to be with him: maybe we could do that for our kid with BPD, too, just in case they are ever in a better state of mind to read them and understand that we’ve always been there loving them.

[SaltyDawg]

NurseMom13,

   Welcome to the forum.

   It sounds like you are experiencing some kind or version of 'survivor's guilt' from the 'trauma bond' since you have been abandoned by your daughter.

   While you didn't specifically mention it; however, you implied that you have your own Therapist by setting up boundaries.  In addition to venting here, you should also be working with an individual therapist, for yourself, for your own self-care.  It sounds like you need to process a lot of unresolved emotions.

   Even though I have been in my situation for 22 years, as of today [a bitter-sweet anniversary], I didn't really learn about self-care until June of this year 2022.  Make sure that you do some self-care, even though your mind and heart are focused on your daughter.  You sould also, focus on yourself, and share your feelings with your super supportive husband -- you may want to share your thoughts with him too, to gain additional support in this situation -- even though, please be mindful, it should not be his place to be your therapist.  If he is open to it; perhaps couple's therapy as well?

    In any event, my heart goes out to you, as I know you are in a lot of emotional pain, and I hope and pray that you can find some peace in the new year.


RJH,

   I have two children, 11 and 16, and setting up boundaries is extremely important.  With all of the drama that my uBPDw [undiagnosed borderline wife] has introduced into the family, now that I have finally figured out what BPD is, and how it damages the family, including the children.  I too have been compelled to set boundaries [with the help of a therapist] to maintain a tolerable level of sanity.  There has been significant improvement after setting up the boundaries; however, she still has her episodes [most recent one two days ago].  My 16 year old D has already communicated her intent to go 'no contact' which I am trying to convince her to change that to 'limited contact' when she leaves the home in two years to go to college.  I understand her reasoning, and actually support it as she doesn't want anything to do with the drama at home.  I know my wife is very disturbed by this, so she is actually wanting to change for that reason.  However, her T's [therapists] are doing her a great disservice by not giving her condition a name [other than Anxiety and Depression] since they don't want to chase her away, and have rejected my hypothesis that she is a borderline [she is classic textbook case according to my Therapists and life coach].

-SD

[Nursemom13]

Good morning,
Thank you all for the very kind words and replies.  It means so much to find others that understand what we are going through.  I love the thought of this is a season, as we all know when we have a loved one with this illness, it is all just seasons.  I also love the thought around reorging the house, after one child moves out, it is a shift.  We did just experience that a few months before her absence.  That is a good way for my heart to view this moment and process better.  We continue to focus on the boys and remain strong for them and eachother.

I am in individual therapy in which my husband attends with me at times.  It is very helpful.  We worked through the 'wise mind' exercises and black and white thinking where it can be that I accept her as she is, know in my heart she isn't the image I had created, and still be ok with knowing I want her to change.  I just would want her to be respectful and less abusive, to herself and others alike.

Today is her birthday.  I sometimes wonder if she will ever know the many tears we have cried.  We have tried her whole life to save her from herself.  She sees us as the enemy.  We have only wanted the very best for her as you do with all of your children.  Today is hard, Christmas was hard, I miss her.  It kills me to not be able to say 'Happy Birthday' today.  My absent abusive mother forgot my birthday many years, and it cut, now I feel like that mother.  I know deep down, in my rational and wise mind, that is not the case, that she chose this, she wanted the space, but it is still very difficult.

Thank you all again for the kind words and support.  We cannot tell you how much it means and is appreciated.   

[SaltyDawg]

Today is her birthday.  I sometimes wonder if she will ever know the many tears we have cried.  We have tried her whole life to save her from herself.  She sees us as the enemy.  We have only wanted the very best for her as you do with all of your children.  Today is hard, Christmas was hard, I miss her.  It kills me to not be able to say 'Happy Birthday' today.  My absent abusive mother forgot my birthday many years, and it cut, now I feel like that mother.  I know deep down, in my rational and wise mind, that is not the case, that she chose this, she wanted the space, but it is still very difficult.

The holidays and special days like birthdays can be really hard emotionally.  If you can, leave a message either text or even a card via snail mail if you have the contact information.

In any event, you should do some kind of self care to make yourself feel better.  Go for a walk outside if it is nice [I just got back from a nice bike ride it is very nice outside here on the East Coast US], or something else that you enjoy doing to get your mind off of this as I know it can be quite depressing.